Toxic friends, true friends

p.1 Friends support your relationships with others (such as with your spouse and your child) and help you adjust to life changes like divorce and retirement. Friends are companions when you're single and family when you're far fro kin.

p.13 Fear of envy does another kind of damage. Humorist Fran Lebowitz has written of the guilt and anxiety women tend to feel when others envy them, while men see envy as evidence of their success. Some of us hesitate to share good news such as "Jane is going to Harvard," or even "I'm pregnant," when we know that although a friend wants to be happy for us, she is not. Fear of envy can stop some women from achieving, afriad that success will mean loss of relationships.

p.16 A toxic friendship is regularly: unsupportive, unrewarding, unsatisfying, draining, stifling, unequal
Sometimes you've outgrown a friend and have nothing in common anymore. The satisfaction is gone. Continuing a stagnant friendship prevents you from opening up to new faces and experiences.

p.22 "I'm just a killer. I've been through so much crap in my life that I'm more of a risk taker than most people. I have nothing to lose. If I don't have 30 possibilities on my roster, I'm not dong my job."

p.48 Friends can lighten up and take some of the heat off marriage, so you don't feel overburdened in meeting all of your partner's needs. Couples' friends provide creative ideas for problem solving and can be models, allowing you to see that others have conflicts and work them through.
Friends are less important in keeping longer marriages togher.

p.52 Women friends provide what even the most sensitive and communicative of husbands cannot--empathy for and validation and understanding of the experience of being a woman.
Talking together is a key component of womnen's friendships; in contrast, men tend to do things together. Women discuss emotions, as well as parenting, homemaking, consmetics, and clothes. Who but another female can fully appreciate the frustrations of frizzy hair in July or commiserate with your sister-in-law problems? Only another woman wants to listen at length to your PMS stories, or to the details of your cousin's wedding, or to the drama of your search for patent leather sling-back heels.

p.55 When a wife discusses her husband with a friend, some of what she is doing is figuring out how to approach him. It's a conflict-avoiding strategy to sort through, identify the issue, then decide on the best way to handle it.

p.59 Six months later, their split was followed by that of other close friends. In one fell swoop, our social life had been decimated. The couple we went out with on Saturday nights were gone. We felt devastated. If one divorce leads you to ask questions about your own relationship, two feel like a brutal assult. One woman told me she felt so frightened when her best friends separated that she changed her own behavior. ...
There's reason for concern, because divorce can be "Catching." Dr. Booth's research found that couples with one divorced friend and one divorced sibling had nearly double the divorce rate of those with no divorced friends or siblings. The touble is, divorced peers may nto only cause you to reevaluate your own marriage but may also (like cheating peers) relax your inhibitions and reduce the pressure to make a less than ideal marriage work. When you know someone who is experiencing divorce, oyu gain an understanding of what to expect. It shows you that divorce can besurvived and that divorced individuals are not bad people. It also means that you have friends who won't object to or criticize you for a split. If they've neen divorced, they're more understanding--they're kindred souls.

p.60 If your friend' rift is permanent, you frequently must decide which half of the pair gets your loyalty. Rarely can you maintain friendships with both parties for long. Divorce among friends makes for hard choices. Some people find it so painful, they withdraw from both partners.
My husband and I chose the wives when it became clear that there was no chance of reconciliation for our friends. The men had left with other women waiting in the wings, and it was unthinkable to me to socialize with them. It would have been a betrayal of my women friends, and I had no desire to make polite chitchat with the men's new romances. The wives also needed us more, and my friendships with them were much stronger than my bonds with their husbands.

p.65 Difficult situations
Consider this scene:
Two couples--you and your husband and another couple--have rented a condo for the weelend. The four of you are out on the patio on the last day, when you feel chilly. You go to your room to get a sweater. As you toss it over your shoulders and turn to leave, you're confronted by your friend's husband, standing there in the doorway. Arms stretched high and wide, his body blocks your exit and he stares at you intently. Seconds pass, then he growls, "I want you. Since the day we met I've wanted you."
.....
Wives can be approached by friends' husbands. A man might make flirty, seductive comments. What do you do in such situations? Deal with the husband. ...
An inappropriate gesture is one thing, but knowledge that a friend's spouse is actually having an affair is another. You might feel that a caring friend is doing a disservice by keeping silent. On the other hand, speaking up might force the wife into an action she doesn't want or isn't yet prepared to take. Chances are a wife knows on some level that her husband is fooling around....
However, without hitting a friend with a hammer, you could drop hints, such as "How would you feel abbout it if Pete was having an affair?" It's rare, but there are wives who don't consider a husband's philandering a big deal and who would never consider breaking up a marriage because of it.

p.71 Friends are the most important source of support for women during the first six months of a marital breakup. They can act as sounding boards and confidants during the preseparation period.

p.72 They also supported her children, particularly her youngest, who was devastated by the split. Often kids can talk to a family friend about their feelings, especially if the person can be a good listener and not take the side of either parent.

p.73 Single friends can share activities and leisure hours, so you don't feel so lonely and can get some of your intimacy needs met. We live in a couples society and it can be uncomfortable when you're the odd woman. Weekend evenings are the traditional time for couples--and the time when divorced people feel most in need of company.

p.76 Many people also don't know how to repond when a marraige goes sour, since there are no norms for this situation. Even before an actual split, some married friends may withdraw from couples socializing if sparks fly openly between you and your partner when you're all out together. Some people prefer to socialize with other pairs and may fade away no that you're not part of a twosome anymore. If you have mainly couples (rather than individual) friendships, your frindship patterns change.

p.87 How to be a good friend to someone during separatio and divorce
1. Don't take too strong a stance in separation
2. Keep your balance. If you're friendly with both partners, stay neutral. When you give a party, don't invite just one. Let them know they are both invited and leave it to them to decide whether they're comforable attending. B prepared, however, to learn that one or both may resent your neutrality.
3. Listen
4. Understand what the person is going through.
5. Know when to speak up. If a friend is still acting like a victim after two years, she is probably stuck, and it may be tied to depression.
6. Talk smart to children. If you want to help a friend's kids, realize that it's important to stay neutral toward both parents. A child won't talk to you if she knows you don't like her dad. Depending on the age of the child, you can take him or her out alone and give a friend some relief. Then you might ask, "How 's it going? It's a hard time for you." This provides the opportunity to talk because there are things the child can't say to the parents.

p.94 "When you want to drive a car, you get lessons. When you want to get married, you get a license and maybe precounseling as well. But people have children without knowing what they're getting into. Women have no idea that once a baby arrives you can no longer soak in the tub or chat on the phone or spend half a day at the mall whenever you choose. Your whole life revolves entirely around thsi helpless creature you've created. It's a stunning awareness.

p.96 This reaction was not so unusual. After a divorce, kids expeience the same separation anxiety their parents do. They're afraid they'll be left, too, and they constantly need reassurance. There are so many changes, especially if they must go to a different school and leave their friends behind.

p.112 Set rules in your own house.
Tell your friends' children (and any other kids), "In my house there are certain rules. If you can't play by those rules, you can't play here." Of curse, if the child breaks your rules while the parent is there, it's very awkward. We all have different intolerances; she may not be sensitized to the things that bother you....
In cases where extreme diplomacy is necessary, you can say something sugary, in an exaggerated way, to the child, like "Sweetheart, in our house we don't let the sink overflow. I'd rather you didn' t play in the bathroom"--so the parent knows how you feel, but you can't be accused of being inhospitable. My own rule is never to criticize a child to the parent.

p.115 How do you feel when you've just sold everything you own at a garage sale and are about to move halfway across the country to launcha new life--alone? ... "Well, I'd had it with cornfields, frankly. I was a 34-yr-old medical technician, still single, and there was nothing going on in my life. Out there were all those possibilities."
Only her best friend, Lila, understood, even though she had the most to lose. "O was leaving, probably for good, Yet she knew I'd never be happy unless I got it out of my system. She never tried to stop me; she just let it happen and said, "I know this is important to you. Go for it!"
... The capacity to free the other person to expand and grow is a hallmark of deep friendship. Good friends do that for wach other--and when you're single and on your own, such support from someone who puts your welfare before her own emotional comfort is very special. Friends nourish in other ways as well. They're number one (along withfamily) in making life meaningful for single women, according to research coauthored by family therapist Karen Gail Lewis, Ed.D.

p.120 "Part of the reason I won't live with anyone is that it's important to me to have my own nest. I have many interests that have norhing to do with my romantic relationship. I paint, I sing, I have a great job. I make big money and meet lots of people. Then I hava core group of friends that is my true support system," she says.

p.125 When women don't have a man, they spend a lot of time and emotional energy together; if one becomes involved with a man--and they don't discuss it--trouble may follow. An excluded friend who has few other social outlets may experience deep feelings of abandonment.
ugh this incident is extreme, it's not uncommon to have a problem adjusting to other people and priorities that have become part of a friend's life. Carol Anderson, Ph.D., coauthor of Flying Solo: Single Women in Midlife

p.129 Make friendships as a single more rewarding
Check your satisfaction level. Fulfilling friendships are extra important if you're single because they help keep you feeling good about yourself--and because (unless you're in a committed relationship) you don't have that continuity of contact that married women have. Friends fill out your world.
Prune your friends. Dr. Lewis compares friendship to a garden. "You plant a garden and all the flowers you like best are in the middle. But over the years you may decide you're a bit tired of roses. You still like them, but hey aren't your favorite anymore. You move them from the center to the edge of your garden--and maybe you bring in a new variety that wasn't there before. You may need to get some flowers out of the garden altogether because they may turn into weeds."
You have to work at meeting women the same way you work at meeting men.

p.132 Discuss problems as you would with a lover.
We put much less energy into nurturing close women friends than romantic attachments, even though these friends give us so much. We take them for granted because we;ve been told that only marriage provides intimacy and security.
Refuse to tolerate toxic behavior. You wouldn't let a man repeatedly cancel plans on you. Why would you accept it in a female friend?
If you feel a friend is pulling away from you, discuss that, too. Sometimes you're actually withdrawing yourself.
Show married people how to deal with you. If you enjoy being a hostess, invite married friends to dinner at your house. Why wait for them to ask you?
Leading your life exactly as if you were married is part of grounding, one of the developmental tasks single women must negotiate. Grounding involves doing all the things you need to live a full life, rather than spending it waiting to get married.
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In-laws
p.135 "You never get a family where every single person gets along well. There are always a few people who are hard to take. But our little segment does well."

p.138 In-laws' retirement can cause tension if they rely too heavily on your family to provide stimulation and focus ofr them, instead of filling their own lives with new activities and interests.
The most common in-law issue involves where people spend their time, according to William Doherty,Ph.D. professor and director, marriage and family therapy program, Univ. of Minnesota, and author of The Intentional Family.
One of the adjustments when you marry involves setting appropriate boundaries around your new family, which allow contact with (And support from) both families of origin, but don't permit them to dominate your life. Lack of such limits sets up disagreement between the spouses, which can stir intense feelings of anger and hostility toward in-laws.
On the other hands, some people want more contact with in-laws. ..... When problems arise, they usually stem from the fact someone does not feel accepted. In a good situation, the spouse feels like a member of the family.

Bias of in-laws: Some parents feel no one is good enough for their child--or, at any rate, you aren't your education or social status or you family's balance sheet doesn't make the grade. Intermarriage can intensify the problem.
.....
She blames both her husband and herself for tolerating the interference. "Why were we listening to them? I should have sized them up from the begnining. Anytimes parents have that much influence over their son, you're going to have to please three peopl--and it's hard enough to please one, I wan't married to him--I was married to a family that didn't like me very much."

p.141 Unrealistic or different expectations
It's not uncommon for a new bride to expect instant closeness and love from her in-laws. One woman was distressed to find her brother's new wife expected her to be a soul mate.
In-laws won't feel immediately like family or immediately like friends. It takes time for these relationships to grow and develop--and some will never be close. In-law relationships are the strangest ones we have because there's a sort of intimacy--you spend time together at holidays and parties--but you're also strangers.
Or you may expect in-laws to know how much independence you want or need--and to respect that--without being told. Expecting them to mind-read creates havoc. If you don't want people to visit unannounced--and if your in-laws are warm, gushy people who drop by--it doesn't work. They don't know your rituals or preferences. You have to communicate.
p.142 You're set up in a pattern by your family of origin--and unless you break out of the mold (or have such a fine in-law that she breaks it for you)--you're likely to follow it. If all you say in your family was fights, you could easily adopt that model. But patterns can change.

One woman remembers being called at work every day by her mother-in-law, who wanted to check out what she was cooking for her son for dinner. She kept her on the phone, telling her how to chop the carrots.

"I'm ten years younger than they are, but that doesn't make me less of a person. I hate to be given advice I didn't ask for, which happens in this family through a third party."

p.144 Cutoffs.
... And that's psychological work drained away from your own family. What you've learned--and teach your kids--is: When things are hard in relationships, you walk awa."
Kids can get hurt in other ways, too.
Whatever unresolved issues your mate has with his family are also going to surface in your marriage.

But family values and keeping families strong include working relationships with in-laws. That doesn't mean we'll necessarily love each other all the time, but we can find ways to get along--and send healthy messages to our children about relationships and conflict resolution.

p.146 Set boundaries.
In a healthy family relationship thre is a boundary between the couple and both sets of parents. The primary loyalty and comitment has to be to your partner or the marriage won't last. That doesn't mean breaking up the relationship with parents, however. It means you and your mate must manage the problem together and commit to each having enough time and contact with his or her own family without so,ebody gettin gtoo much or too little.
What if your in-laws want to hog all the holidays? Negotiate. The first person to talk to is your husband. Often wives deal with their husbands' parents, but it is the blood relative who is primarily responsible for conducting the relationshi with his or her parents through life. (The spouse is a kind of partner in the journey.) The blood relative must take the lead in discussions about family contact, particularly if the concersation has conflict built in, as in "Mom and Dad, we are going to sepnd Christmas this year with Sue's parents." If parents are going to be ticked off, it's better that they're annoyed at their own child for making that boundary than at the awful daughter-in-law who makes the nasty rules.
Be realistic about socializing. Get together as couples only on major holidays. "Saturday night is for friends; don't go out socially with your relatives." It's not a rule for everybody because it depends; some families get along great together, regardless of the circumstances. But basically, if family absorbs all of your free time, then you don't develop the kind of supportive relationships with friends that are also good for the family.
Avoid hot-button issues. No religion, politics...
Beware of making your spouse's fight your own. If you hang on to them longer than your husband does, something is a miss. It's easier to nurse such anger and carry a grudge when you're an in-law because you don't have those powerful childhood connections that make rifts painful for family members.
Pick your battles carefull.
Beselevtive about volunteering information.
Do your part, depending on your role.
Cinsider forgiveness.
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Siblings.
p.154 Be alert to the paretns' role.
Parenss play the biggest role in setting siblings against each other. Sometimes the seeds of lifelong resentment are planted when an older child is forced to take care of a younger one or when one child is treated as afavorite or another is labeled "the bad one."
Build a new history together. Learn how to sidestep certain issues, too. If a touchy topic comes up, say, "That's an area we'll never talk about." Or, "Let's change the subject."
Show that you care. You can love your family without giving up who you are--and the beliefs, dreams, and energy necessaryf or your personal growth.
Close relationships with siblings add to your psychological well-being as you get older--they are the longest -lasting relationships you will have. Good ones between sisters are especially imporatant.
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Not all friends are therapeutic.
p.183 If someone makes you feel unacceptable or not good enough--if you always feel criticized or put down--that's a toxic relationship. What our for friends who depress you.

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How friends can make or break retirement
p.209 Encourage your partner to develop and maintain friendships.
Men are less likely to have close friends and to replace lost friends than women. Overall, they tend not to confide or exchange intimate information with friends. When they retire, they lose the context for interaction with coworkers, which causes problems.
Men's tendency to depend primarily on their wives for emotional support may put extra pressure on (And stir resentment in) you. You may not have the time or inclination to fill in for the work buddies he no longer has.
If you're not employed, your husband's lack of friends can disrupt your own routine. One woman finds that her small aprtment has become even smaller now that her husband is home.
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p.212 We can also learn how to communicate when differences surface. If we as women are to enjoy the full potential of our friendships, we must know how to talk toeach other at the difficult times. Often, we do not, fearing that the friendship will shatter disappointment. In fact, it is when we guess and assume that friendship suffers.

Says Sophie, "I think it was resolved in the sense that we accepted that we can't always need the same things at the same moment. We have to give each other room to want other things. You can't romanticize that you're never going to have conflict."

p.216 Communicate early.
Sometimes friends disagree; sometimes they do things that hurt. We have to expect and handle that. Many difficult situations can be avoided if we acknowledge problems when they appear rather than keep quiet, sizzle, and allow them to escalate.

P.233 Mourning the loss of a friend.
Accept that it's a loss like any other loss. "It's hard to really mourn the end of a friendship because you haven't lost a family member or spouse."