Boundaries and your children
p. 172 ..... She can either rebel and lose her most important reltionship in life, or she can comply and become externally obedient, losing any chance of practicing confrontational skills, Now, compare that response with this, "I'll never stop loving you. That's a constant in my heart. However, if you smart off again you've lost your boom box for 3 days." The relationship is still intact. There's no condemnation. And the child gets an opportunity to choose responsibility or suffer consequences--with no risk of losing love and safety. This is the way to maturity, to learning to eat solid food: the safe practice of discipline.
p.177 Below are some ways you can help your children:
*Allo them to talk about their anger.
*Allow them to express grief, loss, or sadness without trying to cheer them up and talk them out of their feelings.
*Encourage them to ask questions and not assume your words are the equivalent of Scriptre.
*Ask them what they are feeling when they seem isolated or distressed; help them put words to their negative feelings. Do not try to keep things light for a false sense of cooperation and family closeness.
p.178 By the time they are ready to leave home, our children should have internalized a deep sense of personal reponsibility for their lives. They should hold these ocnvictions:
*Ny success or failure in life largely depends on me.
*Though I am to look to others for comfort and instruction, I alone am responsible for my choices.
*Though I am deeply affected by my significant relationships throughout my life, I can't blame my problems on anyone but myself.
*Though I will always fail and need support, I can't depend on some overreponsible individual to constantly bail me out of spiritual, emotional, financial, or relational crises.
MY LIFE IS UP TO ME!
p.180 Children need to have a sense of control and choice in their lives. They need to see themselves not as the depedent, helpless pawns of paraents, but as choosing, willing, initiative-taking agents of their own lives.
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Boudaries and work
p.196 If you are being saddled with another person's responsibilities and feel resentful, you need to take responsibility for your feelings, and realize that your unhappiness is not your co-worker's fault, but your own. In this as in any other boundary conflict, you first must take responsibility for yourself.
Then you must act responsibily to your co-worker. Go to your co-worker and explain your situation. When he asks you to do something that is not your reponsibility, say no and refuse to do whatever it is that he wants you to do. If he gets angry at you for saying no, be firm about your boundaries and empathize with his anger. Don't get angry back. To fight anger with anger si to get hooked into his game. Keep your emotional distance and say, "I am sorry if this upsets you But that job is not my responsibility. I hope you get it worked out."
If he continues to argue, tell him that you are finished discussing it; he can come and find you when he is ready to talk about something else. Do not fall into the trap of justifying why you can't do his work for him. You will be slipping into this thinking that you should do his work if you are able to, and he will try to find a way that ou can. You woe no one an explanation about whyyou will not do something that is not your responsiblity.
p.198 If you are in a situation in which you're doing lots of extra work because you "need the job" and because you are afraid of being let go, you have a proble,. If you are working more overtime than you want to, you are in bondage to your job. You are a slave, not an employee under contract. Clear and responsible contracts tell all parties involved what is expexted of them, and they can be enforced. Jobs should have clean descriptions of duties and qualifications.
..... Effective workers do two tings: they strive to do excellent work, and they spend their time on the most important things. Many people do excellent work but allow temselves to get sidetracked by unimportant things; they may do unimportant things very well!
Say no to the unimporant, and say no to the inclination to do less than your best. If you are doing your best work n the most important things, you will reach your goals.
.....
In this case you have to remember the Law of Power: You only have the power to change yourself. You can't change another person. You must see yourself as the proble, not the other person. To see another person as the problem to be fixed is to give that person power over you and your well-being. Because you cannot change another person, you are out of control. The real problem lies in how you are relating to the problem person. You are the one in pain, and only you have the power to fix it.
p.202 Allow these critical people to be who they are, but keep yourself separate from them and do not internalize their opinion of you. Make sure you have a more accurate appraisal of yourself, and then disagree internally.
... The important thing to remember is that you can't control her, but you can choose to limit your exposure to her, either physically or emotionally distancing yourself from her. This is self-control.
Avoid trying to gain the approval of this sort of person. It will nver work, and you will only feel controlled. And avoid getting in arguments and discussions. You will never win.
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Resistance to boundaries
p.242 Be prepared to use physical distance and other limits that enforce consequences. One woman's life was changed when she realized that she could say, "I will not allow myselff to be yelled at. I will go into the other room until you decide you can talk about this without attacking me. When you can do that, I will talk to you."
....
Guilt messages
A man telephoned his mother, and she answered the phone very weakly, with hardly any voice ar all. Concerned, thinking she was sick, he asked her, "Mother, what's wrong?"
"I guess my voice doesn't work very well anymore," she replied. "No one ever calls me since you children left home."
No weapon in the arsenal of the controlling person is as strong as the guilt message. People with poor boundaries almost always internalize guilt messages leveled at them; they obey guilt-inducing statements that try to mak them feel bad. Consider these:
*"How could you do this to me after all I've done for you?"
*"If you really loved me, you would make this telephone call for me."
*"It seems like you would care enough about the family to do this one thing."
*"How can you abandon the family like this?"
*"Maybe after I'm dead and gone, you'll be sorry."
People who say these things are rtying to make you feel guilty about your cohiuces. They are trying to make you feel bad about deciding how you will spend you own time or resources, about growing up and separating from your parents, or abouthaving a life separate from a friend or spiritual leader.
..... Guilt messages are really anger in disguise. The guilt senders are failing to openly admit their anger at you for what you are doing, probablybecause that would expose how controlling they really are. They would rather focus on you and your behavior than on how they feel. Focusing on their feelings would get them too close to responsibility.
..... If guilt works on you, recognize that this is your problem and not theirs. Realize where the real problem is: insde. Then you will be able to deal with the outside correctly, with love and limites. If you continue to blame other people for "making you feel guilty, they still have power over you, and you are saying that you will only feel good when they stop doing that. You are gicing them control over your life. Stop blaming other people.
Do not explain or justify. Only guilty children do that. This is only playing into their message. You do not owe guilt senders an explanation. Just tell what you have chosen. If you want to tell them why you made a certain decision to help them understandm this is okay. If you wish to get them to not make you feel bad or to resolve your guilt, you are playing into their guilt trap.
.....The main principle is this: Empathize with the distress peopl are feeling, ubt make it clear that it is their distress.
Remember, love and limits are the only clear boundaries. If you react, you have lost your boundaries. If other people have the power to get you to react, they are inside your walls, inside your boundaries. Stop reacting. Be proactive. Give empathy. "Sounds like life is hard right now. Tell me about it." Sometimes people who give guilt messages just want to tell someone how hard it is. Be a listener, but don't take the blame.
Remember the mother who tried to make her son feel guilty. A man with good boundaries would empathize with his mother: "Sounds like you are feeling lonely, Mom." He would make sure she hears that he hears the feeling beneath the guilt message.
p.250 Susan had to confront her brother, who wanted her to lend him money to get a new car. They were both adults. She was responsible and worked hard; he was irresponsible and never saved enough of what he made. For years he hit her up for loans; for years, she forked over the money. He seldom paid her back.
Finally, after attending a workshop on boundaries, she saw the light and said no to his latest request. He responded as though she had ruined his life. He said that he would not be able to advance in his career "because of her," because he could never attract business unless he had a new car.
Having learned to hear the blame, she confronted him. She said that she was sorry his career was not going well but his career was his proble,. These responses were good for her and good for him.
p.254 Many times to set boundaries with someone is to risk losing the love that you have craved for a long time. To start to say no to a controlling parent is to get in touch with the sadness of what you do not have with them, instead of still working hard to get it. This working hard keeps you away from the grief and keeps you stuck. But accepting the reality of who they are and letting go of the wish for them to be different is the essence of grief. And that is sad indeed.
p.156 Internal fears of anger
Three partners of a management teaf of one company were working on a big project with another company. In the course of of negotiations, the president of the other company got very angry.. Two of the three partners lost sleep, worried, and fretted about the breakdown of negotiations. ...When the two told the third partner of their plans to "giave away the store", je just looked at them and said, "What's the big deal? So he's angry. What else is on the agenda?"
They all began to laugh as they saw how silly they were being. They were acting like children with an angry parent, as if their psychological survival depended on this president's being happy.
...... It was a good lesson, The first two looked at the man from a dependent child's perspective. They acted like he was the only person in the world that they could depend on, and so his anger frightened them. The other one saw it from an adult's eyes and knew that if this man could not get his act together, they could move on.
..... If angry people can make you lose your boundaries, you probably have an angry person in you r head that you still fear. You will need to work through some of the hurt you experienced n that angry past. A hurt, frightened part of you needs to be exposed to the light and the healing. You need love to allow you to let go of that angry parent and stand up to the adults you now face.
p.265 Guilt
Guilt will keep you from doing what is right and will keep you stuck. Many people do not have good boundaries because they are afraid of disobeying the internal parent inside their heads. There are several steps you can take to avoid this guilt, but you must begin with one realization: the guilt is your proble. Many people without boundaries xomplain about how "so and so make me feel guilty when I say no," as if the other person ahd some sort of power over them. This fantasy comes from childhood, when your parents seemed so powerful.
No one has the power to "make you feel guilty." As part of you agrees with the message because it taps into strong parental messages in your emotional brain. And that is your problem; it is on your property, and you must gain control over it. Se that being manipulated is your problem, and you will be able to master it.
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How to measure success with boundaries
p.271 Resentment -- our early-warning signal
People who can't get angry when they are bring violated, manipulated, or controlled have a genuine handicap.
Out inability to get angry si generally a sign that we are afraid of the separateness that comes with telling the truth. We fear that saying the truth about our unhappieness with someone will damage the relationship. But when we acknowledge that truth is always our friend, we often give ourselves permission to be angry.
p.273 A change of tastes -- becoming drawn to boundary-lovers
As boundary-injured individuals begin developing their own boundaries, however, a change occurs. They become attracted to people who can hear their no without being critical. Without getting hurt. Without personalizing it. Without running over their boundaries in a manipulative or controlling fashion. People who will simply say, "Okay--we'll miss you. See you next time."
p.279 Practicing grownup no's
Who is your bumber-one "boundary buster"? Who is the foremost person in your life with whom it's difficult to set limits? More than one person may come to mind. This step deals with those extremely complicated, conflictual, frightening relationships. Straightening out these relationships is amajor goal i becoming a boudaried person.
Sometimes the large no will precipitate a crises. Someone imporatant to you will be angry. Or hurt. Or abusive. The truth will expose the divisions in relationships. The conflicts and disagreements already exist. Boundaries simply bring them out to the surface.
Prayerfully make a list of your signigicant relationships. Now add to that what specific treasures are being violated in these relationships. What specific boundaries need to be set to protect these treasures?
p.283 Freeing our no and our yes
"And though I love you," she continued, "I need more time for us to be together before we get engaged. So, because I can't say yes to you, I'm saying no."
..."There are two ways you can start off with kids: first, you can say yes to everything. Then, when you start putting limits on them, they'll resent you and rebel. Or you can begin with clear and strict limits. After they get used to your style, you can loosen up a little. They'll love you forever."
....
So you were asked for something you weren't sure you had left over to give. What happened next is what this particular boundary yardstick is all about. You probably did on of two things:
1. Since you were unsure, you said yes.
2. Since you were unsure, you said no.
Which is the more mature of these? Im most cases, the second. Why? Because it is more responsible to give out of our resources than to promise that which we might not be able to deliver.
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A day in a life with boundaries
Remember Sherrie?
p.287 The sleep goal didn't come without its price, however. Like the other night when Sherrie's mother had once again made her unexpeted surprise visit. This time, she showed up at a time when Sherrie had to work on a science project with her son Todd.
It had been one of the hardest things Sherrie ever had to say. "Mom, I want to visit with you. But this is a really bad time. I'm helping Todd finish up his project, and he needs my full attention. You could come in and watch if you'd like, or I could call you tomorrow and plan a time for us to get together."
Sherrie's mother hadn't reacted well. The martyr syndrome had kicked in full force: "It's just as I've always known, Dear. Who'd want to spend time with a lonely old lady? Well, I'll just go home and be by myself. Like every other night."
At one time Sherrie would have folded under such a masterful onslaught of the "guilties." But Sherrie had, after lots of practice with her support group, decided how to handle her mom's unexpeted visits. And she didn't feel so guilty anymore. Mom would be fine the next morning--and Sherrie would have had a good evening.
.....
Lois had protested that this wasn't at all true. "I'm a true friend, Sherrie," she said.
"I guess we'll find out. I need to know if our friendship is based on what I do for you--or on tru friendship. And I want you to be aware of some boundaries I'm setting with us. First, I won't always be able to drop everything for you, Lois. I love you, but I simply can't take that kind of responsibility for your pain. And second, there will be times when I'm really hurting--and I'm going to call you and ask for support. I actually don't know if you know me and my pain at all. So we both need to find out."
... Sherrie found out that when Lois was doing all right, she would ignore Sherrie. Lois never called just to see how Sherrie was doing. And she found out that when Sherrie herself called Lois with problems, Lois could only talk about herself.
It was sad to find out that a childhood connection had never really flourished into a mutual attachment. Lois simply couldn't come out of her self-centeredness enough to want to understand Sherrie's world.
But back to the phone call. Sherrie answered, "Lois. I'm glad you called. But I'm out the door. Can I call you back later?"
"But I need to talk to you now," came the sullen response.
"Lois, call back if you want to. Here are some better times."
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