Boundaries and your family
p.124 Susie had a common problem. She had made choices on the outside. She had moved away from the family she grew up in to pursue a career or her own. She had been paying her own bills. She had even gotten married and had a child. But on the inside, things were different. She did not have emotional permission to be a separate person, make free choices about her life, and not feel guilty when she did not do what her parents wanted. She could still yield to pressure.
The real problem is on the inside. Remember, boundaries define someone's property. Susie, and others like her, do not really "own" themselves. People who oen their lives do not feel guilty when they make choices about where they are going. They take other people into consideration, but when they make choices for the wishes of others, they are choosing out of love, not guilt; to advance a good, not to avoid being bad.
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Second Fiddle ... This is a common sign of a lack of boundaries with the family of origin: the spouse feels like he gets loftovers. He feels as if his mate's real allegiance is to her parents. This spouse hasn't completed the "leaving before cleavin" process; she has a boundary proble,.
... This does not mean that husbands and wives shouldn't have a relationship with their extended families. But they do need to set clear boundaries with their families of origin. Many marriages fail because one partner fails to set clear boundaries with the family of origin, and the spouse and children get leftovers.
p.126 Mom, where are my socks?
In the perpetual child syndrome, a person may be financially on his own, but allows his family of origin to perform certain life management functions.
This adult child often hangs out at mom and dad's house, vacations with them, drops off laundry, and eats many meals there. He is mom or dad's closest confidant, sharing "everything" with them. At 30 something, he hasn't gound his career niche, and he has no savings, no retirement plan, and no health insurance. On the surface these things do not appear to be serious problems. But often, mom and dad are symbolically keeping their adult child from emotionally leaving home.
This often happens in friendly, loving families, where things are so nice it's hard to leave. (Psychologists often refer to this as the "enmeshed family," one in which the children do not separate with clear boundaries.) It does not look like a problem, because everyone gets along so well. The family is very happy with one another.
However, the adult children's other adult reltationships may be dysfunctional.
p.130 But I'm your brother
Another frequently dynamic is the grown sibling relationship. An irresponsible adult child depends on a responsible adult sibling to avoid growing up and leaving the family.
... The tough issue here is the guilt and pressure you feel because it is your brother or sister. I have seen people do totally crazy and unjelpful tings for a brother or sister that they would never do for their closest friend. Out family can tear down our best-built fences because they are "family."
...
But why do we do that? One reason is that we did not learn the laws of boundaries in our family of origin, and our adult boundary problems are actually ol;d boundary problems that have been there since childhood.
.... These patterns run deep. Your family members are the ones you learned to organize your life around, so they are able to send you back to old patterns by their very presence. You begin to act automatically out of memory instead of growth.
p.133 Identify the conflict
Do you take responsibility for a sibling or parent instead of being responsible to them? Do you fail to enforce consequences and end up paying for their behavior?
p.135 Respond, don't react
When you react to something that someone says or does, you may have a problem with boundaries. If someone is able to cause havoc by doing or saying something, she is in control of you at that point, and your boundaries are lost. When you respond, you remain in control, with options and choices.
If you feel yourself reacting, step away and regain control of yourself so family members can't force you to do or say something you do not want to do or say and something that violates your separateness. When you have kept your boundaries, choose the best option. The difference between responding and reacting is choice. When you are reacting, they are in control. When you respond, you are.
Learn to love in freedom and respomsbility, not in guilt.
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Boundaries and your friends
p.141 #Compliant/manipulative controller
"Cathy, I'm in a real jam, and you're the only one I can depend on to help me out. I can't get a baby-sitter for the kids, and I have this meeting...."
Cathy listened to the plight of her friend, Sharon. It was the usual story. Sharon neglected to plan for events, to call ahead ofr sitters. Sheoften called Cathy to help out in these self-induced emergencies.
Cathy hated being stuck in this position. Sharon didn't do it on purpose, and she needed her for a good cause, but Cathy still felt used and exploited. What was she to do?
Many friendships get stuck in this position. Sharon didn't do it on purpose, and she needed her for a good cause, but Cathy still felt used and exploited. What was she to do?
Many friendships get stuck in this interaction between compliants and manipulative controllers. Why do we call Sharon controllnig? Sh'es not consciously trying to manipulate hr friend; however, no matter what her good intentions are, when she's in a jam, Sharon uses her friends. She takes them for granted, thinking that they shouldn't mind doing a friend a favor. Her friends go along, saying, "Well, that's just Sharon." They stifle their resentment.
The compliant Cathy feels resentment at the manipulative controller Sharon's last-minute requests. Cathy feels as though her friendship is being taken for granted. She begins to avoid her friend.
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Boundaries and your spouse
p.151 Is this yours, mine, or ours?
The problem arises when one trespasses on the other's personhood, when one crosses a line and tries to control the feelings, attitudes, begaviors, choices, and values of the other. These things only each individual can control. To try to control these things is to violte someone's boundaries, and ultimately, it will fail.
p.152 Not dealing with hurt or anger can kill a relationship. Susan needed to talk with Jim about how she was eflling, instead of waiting for him to draw her out. Even though she felt he had been the one who had hurt her, she needed to take responsibility for her own hurt and anger.
Jim and Susan did ont solve their problem by her simply expressing her anger to him. She needed to go one more step. She needed to clarify her desires in the conflict.
Problems arise when we blame someone else for our own lack of limits. Often spouses will do more than they really want to and then resent the other for not stopping them from overgiving.
...
Nancy learner something that she had never learnered before: the world does not exist for her. Other people are not extensions of her wants and desires. Other people havewants and needs of their own, and we must negotiate a fair and loving relationship and respect each other's limits.
..... A friend of mine decided to let his wife sufer the consequences of her chronic laterness. He had nagged and nagged his wife about her tardiness, to no avail. Finally, he realized he could not change her; he could only change his response to her. Tired of suffering the consequences of her behavior, he decided to give them back to her.
p.157 The law of power
A nagging spouse, in effect, keeps the problem going. Accepting someone as she is, respecting her choice to be that way, and then giving her appropriate consequences is the better path. When we do this, we execute the power we do have, and we stop trying to wield the power no one has.
Before boundries: "Stop yelling at me. You must be nicer."
After boundires: "You can continue to yell if you choose to. But I will choose not to be in your presence when you act that way."
Before boundaries: "You've just got to stop drinking. It's ruining our family. Please listen. You're wrecking our lives."
After boundaries: "You may choose to not deal withyour drinking if you want. But I will not continue to expose myself and the children to this chaos. The next time you are drunk, we will go to the Wilsons' for the night, and we will tell them why we are there. Your drinking is your choice. What I will put up with is mine."
Before boundaries: 'You are a pervert to look ar pornography. That's so degrading. What kind of a sick person are you anyway?"
After boundaries: "I will not choose to share you secually with naked women in magazines. It's up to you. I will only sleep with someone who is iterested in me. Make up your mind and choose."
These are examples of taking power over what you do have power over--yourself--and giving up trying to control and have power over someone else.
p.158 The Lase of evaluation
Remember that a boundary always deals with yourself, not the other person. You are not demaning that your spouse do something--even respect your boundaries. You are setting boundaries to say what you will do or will not do. Only these kinds of boundaries are enforcable, for you do have control over yourself.
The Law of exposure.
Boundaries need to be communicated first verbally and then with actions. Theyneed to be clear and unapologetic.
When you need time away, tell your spouse. Sometimes you need space for nourishment; other times you need space for limtie setting. In either instance, your spouse should not have to guess why you do not want him around for a while.
Each spouse needs time apart from the relationship. Not just for limit setting, as we pointed out above, but for self-nourishment. They have their own time for doing what they like and for seeing their worn friends.
Many couples have trouble with this aspect of marriage. Thy=ey feel abandoned when their spouse wants time apart. In reality, spouses need time apart, which makes them realize the need to be back together. Spouses in healthy relationships cherish each other's space and are champions of each other's causes.
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