Saturday, July 25, 2009
溫度決定生老病死 - 馬悅凌 （簡體）
p.6 隨著年齡增長，身體退化，肝功能減弱。肝血不足，血海空虛。
要回復肝臟功能，就得供應充足血液。腎氣足，腎水才能供給肝臟。
p.11 病來如山倒，病去如抽絲。
p.67 第二掌骨
p.71 指甲上的半月形小或沒有。表示體內寒重，血液不足。
p.176 泡腳： 飯后半小時不宜泡腳。臨睡前或下午3-5點膀胱經經氣旺盛時泡，補腎效果最好。
泡完要多喝水補充水分。
p.204 肝火旺的人，每天梳理腋下，50-100次，可梳理肝氣，降肝火。
p.212 去火
眼睛上火：眼睛發紅，干澀，眼花，分泌物多都代表肝火旺。可刮痧雙側腋下至腰。
嘴唇口腔潰瘍：胃火，伴隨口臭，牙齦腫痛。刮胃經。
p.228 青光眼，可按第二三腳趾跟後的眼睛反射區。
p.230 鼻尖發紅，長痘痘，多數是背后督脈不通，只要每天用背部撞墻20-30分鐘。
要回復肝臟功能，就得供應充足血液。腎氣足，腎水才能供給肝臟。
p.11 病來如山倒，病去如抽絲。
p.67 第二掌骨
p.71 指甲上的半月形小或沒有。表示體內寒重，血液不足。
p.176 泡腳： 飯后半小時不宜泡腳。臨睡前或下午3-5點膀胱經經氣旺盛時泡，補腎效果最好。
泡完要多喝水補充水分。
p.204 肝火旺的人，每天梳理腋下，50-100次，可梳理肝氣，降肝火。
p.212 去火
眼睛上火：眼睛發紅，干澀，眼花，分泌物多都代表肝火旺。可刮痧雙側腋下至腰。
嘴唇口腔潰瘍：胃火，伴隨口臭，牙齦腫痛。刮胃經。
p.228 青光眼，可按第二三腳趾跟後的眼睛反射區。
p.230 鼻尖發紅，長痘痘，多數是背后督脈不通，只要每天用背部撞墻20-30分鐘。
不生病的智慧 - 馬悅凌 （簡體）
p.5 熟知食物的溫熱寒涼是保證氣血充足的關鍵。
寒氣重，氣血兩虛的人不分季節，要多吃溫熱食物，如牛肉，羊肉，洋蔥，韭菜，生姜。
p.12 中醫將火分實火和虛火。實火用清熱降火的瀉法，虛火用補法治療。
身體的寒重，造成腎氣虛弱，臟器功能下降，氣血兩虛。腎主水，缺水后，肝就燥，肝火明顯。
腎陽不足，腎氣虛，血液上頭的力量不足，頭面部沒有充足的血液供應。
(Unfinised p.15 - 123)
p.124 早晨醒來後身體各種不適，如沒精神，不想吃東西，心情煩躁，頭暈痛，咳嗽流鼻涕，打噴嚏，流鼻血，腹痛，反胃，拉肚子，腰酸背痛，都是體內的虛寒造成。
p. 125 每天早晨剛醒，是人體血壓，血糖，體溫最低的時候。這是人還沒有進食，沒有能量補充，也是一天中氣血最虛的時候。
p.126早晨起床惡心，咽喉有痰，吐酸水，是由于腎寒引起的腎氣虛弱以致血液上頭的力量不夠引起的。
p.128 腰酸腰痛：腎虛腎寒的人早上醒后會明顯腰酸背痛。每天11-13點人體陽氣最足之時，搓心經，特別是少海穴，和腎俞。這是補腎最有效的方法。
p.138 天天做耳部按摩，梳頭，搓手臂。最好在中午陽氣最足時搓腎俞200下，暖腎補腎效果好。每天背部撞墻15-20分鐘，利于毒素排出，去斑去痘效果好。
p.166 按摩減肥。每天起床後來回搓手臂內側肺經100下，再搓大腿上的胃經和脾經50下，能有效促進胃腸道消化，吸收功能，促進排便，排出毒素廢物。中午搓手臂內側的心經100次，搓腎俞100下。晚上睡前搓手臂外側中間的三焦經100下。
寒氣重，氣血兩虛的人不分季節，要多吃溫熱食物，如牛肉，羊肉，洋蔥，韭菜，生姜。
p.12 中醫將火分實火和虛火。實火用清熱降火的瀉法，虛火用補法治療。
身體的寒重，造成腎氣虛弱，臟器功能下降，氣血兩虛。腎主水，缺水后，肝就燥，肝火明顯。
腎陽不足，腎氣虛，血液上頭的力量不足，頭面部沒有充足的血液供應。
(Unfinised p.15 - 123)
p.124 早晨醒來後身體各種不適，如沒精神，不想吃東西，心情煩躁，頭暈痛，咳嗽流鼻涕，打噴嚏，流鼻血，腹痛，反胃，拉肚子，腰酸背痛，都是體內的虛寒造成。
p. 125 每天早晨剛醒，是人體血壓，血糖，體溫最低的時候。這是人還沒有進食，沒有能量補充，也是一天中氣血最虛的時候。
p.126早晨起床惡心，咽喉有痰，吐酸水，是由于腎寒引起的腎氣虛弱以致血液上頭的力量不夠引起的。
p.128 腰酸腰痛：腎虛腎寒的人早上醒后會明顯腰酸背痛。每天11-13點人體陽氣最足之時，搓心經，特別是少海穴，和腎俞。這是補腎最有效的方法。
p.138 天天做耳部按摩，梳頭，搓手臂。最好在中午陽氣最足時搓腎俞200下，暖腎補腎效果好。每天背部撞墻15-20分鐘，利于毒素排出，去斑去痘效果好。
p.166 按摩減肥。每天起床後來回搓手臂內側肺經100下，再搓大腿上的胃經和脾經50下，能有效促進胃腸道消化，吸收功能，促進排便，排出毒素廢物。中午搓手臂內側的心經100次，搓腎俞100下。晚上睡前搓手臂外側中間的三焦經100下。
養生十二說 - 曲黎敏
p.24 辰時7-9時要吃早飯。陽氣旺盛，如果不進食，9-11點脾主運化，沒有食物可運化。空運化，做虛工，長期脾會受傷，脾氣散漫，人會發胖。
p.26 膀胱經走眼睛。眼睛往外鼓，膀胱經邪火旺，經氣太實。
p.47 刮痧是治療表證。如果病不在表，刮痧反而損傷元氣。
p.88 胖與脾有關。脾運化能力弱，累積多而外散少。脾虛。
p.110 心火和腎火不交合，會腿發沉，晚上累又睡不著，多夢。虛火全飄在上面，因為腎水不能收斂。
p.26 膀胱經走眼睛。眼睛往外鼓，膀胱經邪火旺，經氣太實。
p.47 刮痧是治療表證。如果病不在表，刮痧反而損傷元氣。
p.88 胖與脾有關。脾運化能力弱，累積多而外散少。脾虛。
p.110 心火和腎火不交合，會腿發沉，晚上累又睡不著，多夢。虛火全飄在上面，因為腎水不能收斂。
<<人體經絡使用手冊>> 蕭言生 (簡體版）
p.33
敲胃經15分鐘，人會感到疲乏，但會體內疏通。晚上還會睡得特別好。
p.39
5-6隻牙簽綁好刺穴道。
膠布中放一粒生米， 貼在穴道上。
脊椎骨兩側穴道，仰臥在一顆球上，借助身體重量和球適度的彈性來刺激穴道。
p.50 按摩胃經的目的是調節胃腸功能。飯后一小時就可按摩，特別是足三里，天樞。 每天早上7-9點按揉胃經最好。
p.54 手陽明大腸經痤瘡，雀斑，酒糟鼻，下牙痛。
牙痛：面口合谷收。
p.58 迎香穴：治療鼻塞特效。感冒鼻塞，流涕，過敏性鼻炎。可加上風池穴。
連續噴嚏不止。
p. 59 大腸經： 5-7點， 或胃經的7-9點。
p.62 膽經： 23點到凌晨1點。或是21-23點。
p.63 慢性胃炎，泛酸，按揉陽陵泉，一面吐氣一面壓8秒鐘，重復10次。可加足三里和任脈的中脘穴。
p.71 膀胱經：在背部脊柱兩旁進行走罐，治療感冒，失眠，背部酸痛。
下午15-17點。
p.77 急性腰痛點後谿。 落枕時同。
p.78 落枕穴：手背上食指和中指的骨之間，下一寸。
p. 95 太沖穴：失眠，多夢，降血壓，平肝清熱，清利頭目。
p.99 內關： 寧心安神，理氣止痛，和胃降逆。腕上兩寸兩筋間。 心律失常。 打嗝，嘔吐。
p.103 太溪穴： 腎經原穴。補腎氣，理胞宮。手腳冰冷，睡前按摩。
p.113 關元穴： 男子藏精，女子蓄血。補元氣，腎氣，暖下元。白帶，痛經，各種婦科，陽痿，早泄。
p.121 膻中穴：順時針環狀，或從上到下按，不可從下往上推。
p.125 命門穴： 溫補脾腎，壯腰補虛。
p.127 百會：降血壓，美髪。升提陽氣，治脫肛，子宮脫垂，胃下垂。中氣下陷。 頭痛。
p.146 泡腳：疏通經絡，排除寒氣及廢物，調節體溫降虛火，改善血液循環。
p.169 感冒又吃煎炸油膩食品，導致牙齦腫痛，因感冒堵塞大腸經，煎炸食品的火趁大腸經薄弱傳到牙齦，此時該敲大腸經。
·p.192 眼睛疲勞：睛明，承泣，四白，絲竹空，風池穴
p.196 感冒前兆：敲大腸經，按風府穴，促進氣血運行，亦可用熱毛巾敷或吹風機熱療。
感冒出現后，壓合谷穴。
p.210 脾氣暴躁，愛吃煎炸油膩食物，會肝熱，導致煩躁多夢，易醒。可以敲肝經。
p.223 口腔潰瘍： 胃熱加肝熱。敲肝經和胃經。
p. 225 心跳快：數脈，血少。必須靠睡眠補血，再敲心包經。再壓內關穴，極泉穴。
p. 228近視：敲肝經。 遠視敲腎經。近視陰虛火重，肝血不足，肝熱逼腎水。血多肝熱就改善。
p.235 牙痛：破肝氣，理肝氣。壓太沖。
p.238 焦慮；中沖穴，少沖穴，為心經，心包經起點。
敲胃經15分鐘，人會感到疲乏，但會體內疏通。晚上還會睡得特別好。
p.39
5-6隻牙簽綁好刺穴道。
膠布中放一粒生米， 貼在穴道上。
脊椎骨兩側穴道，仰臥在一顆球上，借助身體重量和球適度的彈性來刺激穴道。
p.50 按摩胃經的目的是調節胃腸功能。飯后一小時就可按摩，特別是足三里，天樞。 每天早上7-9點按揉胃經最好。
p.54 手陽明大腸經痤瘡，雀斑，酒糟鼻，下牙痛。
牙痛：面口合谷收。
p.58 迎香穴：治療鼻塞特效。感冒鼻塞，流涕，過敏性鼻炎。可加上風池穴。
連續噴嚏不止。
p. 59 大腸經： 5-7點， 或胃經的7-9點。
p.62 膽經： 23點到凌晨1點。或是21-23點。
p.63 慢性胃炎，泛酸，按揉陽陵泉，一面吐氣一面壓8秒鐘，重復10次。可加足三里和任脈的中脘穴。
p.71 膀胱經：在背部脊柱兩旁進行走罐，治療感冒，失眠，背部酸痛。
下午15-17點。
p.77 急性腰痛點後谿。 落枕時同。
p.78 落枕穴：手背上食指和中指的骨之間，下一寸。
p. 95 太沖穴：失眠，多夢，降血壓，平肝清熱，清利頭目。
p.99 內關： 寧心安神，理氣止痛，和胃降逆。腕上兩寸兩筋間。 心律失常。 打嗝，嘔吐。
p.103 太溪穴： 腎經原穴。補腎氣，理胞宮。手腳冰冷，睡前按摩。
p.113 關元穴： 男子藏精，女子蓄血。補元氣，腎氣，暖下元。白帶，痛經，各種婦科，陽痿，早泄。
p.121 膻中穴：順時針環狀，或從上到下按，不可從下往上推。
p.125 命門穴： 溫補脾腎，壯腰補虛。
p.127 百會：降血壓，美髪。升提陽氣，治脫肛，子宮脫垂，胃下垂。中氣下陷。 頭痛。
p.146 泡腳：疏通經絡，排除寒氣及廢物，調節體溫降虛火，改善血液循環。
p.169 感冒又吃煎炸油膩食品，導致牙齦腫痛，因感冒堵塞大腸經，煎炸食品的火趁大腸經薄弱傳到牙齦，此時該敲大腸經。
·p.192 眼睛疲勞：睛明，承泣，四白，絲竹空，風池穴
p.196 感冒前兆：敲大腸經，按風府穴，促進氣血運行，亦可用熱毛巾敷或吹風機熱療。
感冒出現后，壓合谷穴。
p.210 脾氣暴躁，愛吃煎炸油膩食物，會肝熱，導致煩躁多夢，易醒。可以敲肝經。
p.223 口腔潰瘍： 胃熱加肝熱。敲肝經和胃經。
p. 225 心跳快：數脈，血少。必須靠睡眠補血，再敲心包經。再壓內關穴，極泉穴。
p. 228近視：敲肝經。 遠視敲腎經。近視陰虛火重，肝血不足，肝熱逼腎水。血多肝熱就改善。
p.235 牙痛：破肝氣，理肝氣。壓太沖。
p.238 焦慮；中沖穴，少沖穴，為心經，心包經起點。
(Un) Resilience - Elizabeth Edwards
p.12 Just as the words traitor and Juads became synonymous, thre was a time when Ananias and liar were near sysnonyms, too. In the Acts of the Apostles, Ananais lied to Jesus about his money so he would not have to give as much to the church.
p.16 In song, as in Hnry Jame's novels, faults all turned out to b evirtues, as if written by Sammy Cahm: I'm irresponsibly mad for you. I had, I have to saym a long, log way t ofall when the fal fainally came.
p.26 And the home they talked about was the home they left--left when they had twp legs .. left before the images of war that would scar the places where the doctors couldn't reach. That's the home they craved. The one before.
p.30 I know, as these wives know, that wishing will not return life to "before." "Before" is forever gone.
But we cannot, they cannot turn back. This is the life we have now, and the only way to find peace, the only way to be resilient when thes landmies explode beneath your foundation, is first to accept that there is a new reality. The life the arrmy wife knew before her husband went to war, the life of the patient before the word "terminal" was said aloud... these lives no longer exist and the more we cling to the hope that these old lives might come back, the more we set ourselves up for unending discontent.
Each time I fell into a chasm--...--I had to accept that the planet had taken a few turns and I couold not turn it back. My life was and would akwats be different, and it would be less than I hoped it would be. Rach time, there was a new life, a new story.... In time, I learned that I was starting a new story. I write these words as if that is the beginning and end of waht I did, but it is onlya small slice of the middle, a place that is hard to reach and, in reaching it, only a steppnig-off place for finding or creating a new life with our new ewality.
(unfinished p.34 - 162)
p.169 "I want you to close your eyes, and I want you to spread your arms out and fall back into the pillow of all pthe people who have loved you."
p.179 I never need flowers or jewelry, I don't care about vacations or a nice car. But I need you to be faithful. Leave me, if you must, but be faithful to me if you are with me.
p.192
And even before learning of a single night, I felt vulnerable to humiliation. Because of the fish-eye lens through which we all see someone in the news--the lens that makes some traits seem bigger and some seen smaller--people had too high an opinion of me, and I knew I had no chance of meeting their expectations.
p.205 The past is not what he wishes it was, but that does not mean he cannot create for himself the future he wants.
p.213 "The modern hero is a person who does something everyone thinks they could do if they were a little srtonger, a little faster, a little smarter, or a little more generous. Heroes in anceint time were the link between man and perfect beings, gods. Heroes in moder n times are the link between man as he is and man as he could be."...
...she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not low her way--and it surely has not, --she adjusted her sails.
p.16 In song, as in Hnry Jame's novels, faults all turned out to b evirtues, as if written by Sammy Cahm: I'm irresponsibly mad for you. I had, I have to saym a long, log way t ofall when the fal fainally came.
p.26 And the home they talked about was the home they left--left when they had twp legs .. left before the images of war that would scar the places where the doctors couldn't reach. That's the home they craved. The one before.
p.30 I know, as these wives know, that wishing will not return life to "before." "Before" is forever gone.
But we cannot, they cannot turn back. This is the life we have now, and the only way to find peace, the only way to be resilient when thes landmies explode beneath your foundation, is first to accept that there is a new reality. The life the arrmy wife knew before her husband went to war, the life of the patient before the word "terminal" was said aloud... these lives no longer exist and the more we cling to the hope that these old lives might come back, the more we set ourselves up for unending discontent.
Each time I fell into a chasm--...--I had to accept that the planet had taken a few turns and I couold not turn it back. My life was and would akwats be different, and it would be less than I hoped it would be. Rach time, there was a new life, a new story.... In time, I learned that I was starting a new story. I write these words as if that is the beginning and end of waht I did, but it is onlya small slice of the middle, a place that is hard to reach and, in reaching it, only a steppnig-off place for finding or creating a new life with our new ewality.
(unfinished p.34 - 162)
p.169 "I want you to close your eyes, and I want you to spread your arms out and fall back into the pillow of all pthe people who have loved you."
p.179 I never need flowers or jewelry, I don't care about vacations or a nice car. But I need you to be faithful. Leave me, if you must, but be faithful to me if you are with me.
p.192
And even before learning of a single night, I felt vulnerable to humiliation. Because of the fish-eye lens through which we all see someone in the news--the lens that makes some traits seem bigger and some seen smaller--people had too high an opinion of me, and I knew I had no chance of meeting their expectations.
p.205 The past is not what he wishes it was, but that does not mean he cannot create for himself the future he wants.
p.213 "The modern hero is a person who does something everyone thinks they could do if they were a little srtonger, a little faster, a little smarter, or a little more generous. Heroes in anceint time were the link between man and perfect beings, gods. Heroes in moder n times are the link between man as he is and man as he could be."...
...she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not low her way--and it surely has not, --she adjusted her sails.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Toxic friends, true friends
p.1 Friends support your relationships with others (such as with your spouse and your child) and help you adjust to life changes like divorce and retirement. Friends are companions when you're single and family when you're far fro kin.
p.13 Fear of envy does another kind of damage. Humorist Fran Lebowitz has written of the guilt and anxiety women tend to feel when others envy them, while men see envy as evidence of their success. Some of us hesitate to share good news such as "Jane is going to Harvard," or even "I'm pregnant," when we know that although a friend wants to be happy for us, she is not. Fear of envy can stop some women from achieving, afriad that success will mean loss of relationships.
p.16 A toxic friendship is regularly: unsupportive, unrewarding, unsatisfying, draining, stifling, unequal
Sometimes you've outgrown a friend and have nothing in common anymore. The satisfaction is gone. Continuing a stagnant friendship prevents you from opening up to new faces and experiences.
p.22 "I'm just a killer. I've been through so much crap in my life that I'm more of a risk taker than most people. I have nothing to lose. If I don't have 30 possibilities on my roster, I'm not dong my job."
p.48 Friends can lighten up and take some of the heat off marriage, so you don't feel overburdened in meeting all of your partner's needs. Couples' friends provide creative ideas for problem solving and can be models, allowing you to see that others have conflicts and work them through.
Friends are less important in keeping longer marriages togher.
p.52 Women friends provide what even the most sensitive and communicative of husbands cannot--empathy for and validation and understanding of the experience of being a woman.
Talking together is a key component of womnen's friendships; in contrast, men tend to do things together. Women discuss emotions, as well as parenting, homemaking, consmetics, and clothes. Who but another female can fully appreciate the frustrations of frizzy hair in July or commiserate with your sister-in-law problems? Only another woman wants to listen at length to your PMS stories, or to the details of your cousin's wedding, or to the drama of your search for patent leather sling-back heels.
p.55 When a wife discusses her husband with a friend, some of what she is doing is figuring out how to approach him. It's a conflict-avoiding strategy to sort through, identify the issue, then decide on the best way to handle it.
p.59 Six months later, their split was followed by that of other close friends. In one fell swoop, our social life had been decimated. The couple we went out with on Saturday nights were gone. We felt devastated. If one divorce leads you to ask questions about your own relationship, two feel like a brutal assult. One woman told me she felt so frightened when her best friends separated that she changed her own behavior. ...
There's reason for concern, because divorce can be "Catching." Dr. Booth's research found that couples with one divorced friend and one divorced sibling had nearly double the divorce rate of those with no divorced friends or siblings. The touble is, divorced peers may nto only cause you to reevaluate your own marriage but may also (like cheating peers) relax your inhibitions and reduce the pressure to make a less than ideal marriage work. When you know someone who is experiencing divorce, oyu gain an understanding of what to expect. It shows you that divorce can besurvived and that divorced individuals are not bad people. It also means that you have friends who won't object to or criticize you for a split. If they've neen divorced, they're more understanding--they're kindred souls.
p.60 If your friend' rift is permanent, you frequently must decide which half of the pair gets your loyalty. Rarely can you maintain friendships with both parties for long. Divorce among friends makes for hard choices. Some people find it so painful, they withdraw from both partners.
My husband and I chose the wives when it became clear that there was no chance of reconciliation for our friends. The men had left with other women waiting in the wings, and it was unthinkable to me to socialize with them. It would have been a betrayal of my women friends, and I had no desire to make polite chitchat with the men's new romances. The wives also needed us more, and my friendships with them were much stronger than my bonds with their husbands.
p.65 Difficult situations
Consider this scene:
Two couples--you and your husband and another couple--have rented a condo for the weelend. The four of you are out on the patio on the last day, when you feel chilly. You go to your room to get a sweater. As you toss it over your shoulders and turn to leave, you're confronted by your friend's husband, standing there in the doorway. Arms stretched high and wide, his body blocks your exit and he stares at you intently. Seconds pass, then he growls, "I want you. Since the day we met I've wanted you."
.....
Wives can be approached by friends' husbands. A man might make flirty, seductive comments. What do you do in such situations? Deal with the husband. ...
An inappropriate gesture is one thing, but knowledge that a friend's spouse is actually having an affair is another. You might feel that a caring friend is doing a disservice by keeping silent. On the other hand, speaking up might force the wife into an action she doesn't want or isn't yet prepared to take. Chances are a wife knows on some level that her husband is fooling around....
However, without hitting a friend with a hammer, you could drop hints, such as "How would you feel abbout it if Pete was having an affair?" It's rare, but there are wives who don't consider a husband's philandering a big deal and who would never consider breaking up a marriage because of it.
p.71 Friends are the most important source of support for women during the first six months of a marital breakup. They can act as sounding boards and confidants during the preseparation period.
p.72 They also supported her children, particularly her youngest, who was devastated by the split. Often kids can talk to a family friend about their feelings, especially if the person can be a good listener and not take the side of either parent.
p.73 Single friends can share activities and leisure hours, so you don't feel so lonely and can get some of your intimacy needs met. We live in a couples society and it can be uncomfortable when you're the odd woman. Weekend evenings are the traditional time for couples--and the time when divorced people feel most in need of company.
p.76 Many people also don't know how to repond when a marraige goes sour, since there are no norms for this situation. Even before an actual split, some married friends may withdraw from couples socializing if sparks fly openly between you and your partner when you're all out together. Some people prefer to socialize with other pairs and may fade away no that you're not part of a twosome anymore. If you have mainly couples (rather than individual) friendships, your frindship patterns change.
p.87 How to be a good friend to someone during separatio and divorce
1. Don't take too strong a stance in separation
2. Keep your balance. If you're friendly with both partners, stay neutral. When you give a party, don't invite just one. Let them know they are both invited and leave it to them to decide whether they're comforable attending. B prepared, however, to learn that one or both may resent your neutrality.
3. Listen
4. Understand what the person is going through.
5. Know when to speak up. If a friend is still acting like a victim after two years, she is probably stuck, and it may be tied to depression.
6. Talk smart to children. If you want to help a friend's kids, realize that it's important to stay neutral toward both parents. A child won't talk to you if she knows you don't like her dad. Depending on the age of the child, you can take him or her out alone and give a friend some relief. Then you might ask, "How 's it going? It's a hard time for you." This provides the opportunity to talk because there are things the child can't say to the parents.
p.94 "When you want to drive a car, you get lessons. When you want to get married, you get a license and maybe precounseling as well. But people have children without knowing what they're getting into. Women have no idea that once a baby arrives you can no longer soak in the tub or chat on the phone or spend half a day at the mall whenever you choose. Your whole life revolves entirely around thsi helpless creature you've created. It's a stunning awareness.
p.96 This reaction was not so unusual. After a divorce, kids expeience the same separation anxiety their parents do. They're afraid they'll be left, too, and they constantly need reassurance. There are so many changes, especially if they must go to a different school and leave their friends behind.
p.112 Set rules in your own house.
Tell your friends' children (and any other kids), "In my house there are certain rules. If you can't play by those rules, you can't play here." Of curse, if the child breaks your rules while the parent is there, it's very awkward. We all have different intolerances; she may not be sensitized to the things that bother you....
In cases where extreme diplomacy is necessary, you can say something sugary, in an exaggerated way, to the child, like "Sweetheart, in our house we don't let the sink overflow. I'd rather you didn' t play in the bathroom"--so the parent knows how you feel, but you can't be accused of being inhospitable. My own rule is never to criticize a child to the parent.
p.115 How do you feel when you've just sold everything you own at a garage sale and are about to move halfway across the country to launcha new life--alone? ... "Well, I'd had it with cornfields, frankly. I was a 34-yr-old medical technician, still single, and there was nothing going on in my life. Out there were all those possibilities."
Only her best friend, Lila, understood, even though she had the most to lose. "O was leaving, probably for good, Yet she knew I'd never be happy unless I got it out of my system. She never tried to stop me; she just let it happen and said, "I know this is important to you. Go for it!"
... The capacity to free the other person to expand and grow is a hallmark of deep friendship. Good friends do that for wach other--and when you're single and on your own, such support from someone who puts your welfare before her own emotional comfort is very special. Friends nourish in other ways as well. They're number one (along withfamily) in making life meaningful for single women, according to research coauthored by family therapist Karen Gail Lewis, Ed.D.
p.120 "Part of the reason I won't live with anyone is that it's important to me to have my own nest. I have many interests that have norhing to do with my romantic relationship. I paint, I sing, I have a great job. I make big money and meet lots of people. Then I hava core group of friends that is my true support system," she says.
p.125 When women don't have a man, they spend a lot of time and emotional energy together; if one becomes involved with a man--and they don't discuss it--trouble may follow. An excluded friend who has few other social outlets may experience deep feelings of abandonment.
ugh this incident is extreme, it's not uncommon to have a problem adjusting to other people and priorities that have become part of a friend's life. Carol Anderson, Ph.D., coauthor of Flying Solo: Single Women in Midlife
p.129 Make friendships as a single more rewarding
Check your satisfaction level. Fulfilling friendships are extra important if you're single because they help keep you feeling good about yourself--and because (unless you're in a committed relationship) you don't have that continuity of contact that married women have. Friends fill out your world.
Prune your friends. Dr. Lewis compares friendship to a garden. "You plant a garden and all the flowers you like best are in the middle. But over the years you may decide you're a bit tired of roses. You still like them, but hey aren't your favorite anymore. You move them from the center to the edge of your garden--and maybe you bring in a new variety that wasn't there before. You may need to get some flowers out of the garden altogether because they may turn into weeds."
You have to work at meeting women the same way you work at meeting men.
p.132 Discuss problems as you would with a lover.
We put much less energy into nurturing close women friends than romantic attachments, even though these friends give us so much. We take them for granted because we;ve been told that only marriage provides intimacy and security.
Refuse to tolerate toxic behavior. You wouldn't let a man repeatedly cancel plans on you. Why would you accept it in a female friend?
If you feel a friend is pulling away from you, discuss that, too. Sometimes you're actually withdrawing yourself.
Show married people how to deal with you. If you enjoy being a hostess, invite married friends to dinner at your house. Why wait for them to ask you?
Leading your life exactly as if you were married is part of grounding, one of the developmental tasks single women must negotiate. Grounding involves doing all the things you need to live a full life, rather than spending it waiting to get married.
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In-laws
p.135 "You never get a family where every single person gets along well. There are always a few people who are hard to take. But our little segment does well."
p.138 In-laws' retirement can cause tension if they rely too heavily on your family to provide stimulation and focus ofr them, instead of filling their own lives with new activities and interests.
The most common in-law issue involves where people spend their time, according to William Doherty,Ph.D. professor and director, marriage and family therapy program, Univ. of Minnesota, and author of The Intentional Family.
One of the adjustments when you marry involves setting appropriate boundaries around your new family, which allow contact with (And support from) both families of origin, but don't permit them to dominate your life. Lack of such limits sets up disagreement between the spouses, which can stir intense feelings of anger and hostility toward in-laws.
On the other hands, some people want more contact with in-laws. ..... When problems arise, they usually stem from the fact someone does not feel accepted. In a good situation, the spouse feels like a member of the family.
Bias of in-laws: Some parents feel no one is good enough for their child--or, at any rate, you aren't your education or social status or you family's balance sheet doesn't make the grade. Intermarriage can intensify the problem.
.....
She blames both her husband and herself for tolerating the interference. "Why were we listening to them? I should have sized them up from the begnining. Anytimes parents have that much influence over their son, you're going to have to please three peopl--and it's hard enough to please one, I wan't married to him--I was married to a family that didn't like me very much."
p.141 Unrealistic or different expectations
It's not uncommon for a new bride to expect instant closeness and love from her in-laws. One woman was distressed to find her brother's new wife expected her to be a soul mate.
In-laws won't feel immediately like family or immediately like friends. It takes time for these relationships to grow and develop--and some will never be close. In-law relationships are the strangest ones we have because there's a sort of intimacy--you spend time together at holidays and parties--but you're also strangers.
Or you may expect in-laws to know how much independence you want or need--and to respect that--without being told. Expecting them to mind-read creates havoc. If you don't want people to visit unannounced--and if your in-laws are warm, gushy people who drop by--it doesn't work. They don't know your rituals or preferences. You have to communicate.
p.142 You're set up in a pattern by your family of origin--and unless you break out of the mold (or have such a fine in-law that she breaks it for you)--you're likely to follow it. If all you say in your family was fights, you could easily adopt that model. But patterns can change.
One woman remembers being called at work every day by her mother-in-law, who wanted to check out what she was cooking for her son for dinner. She kept her on the phone, telling her how to chop the carrots.
"I'm ten years younger than they are, but that doesn't make me less of a person. I hate to be given advice I didn't ask for, which happens in this family through a third party."
p.144 Cutoffs.
... And that's psychological work drained away from your own family. What you've learned--and teach your kids--is: When things are hard in relationships, you walk awa."
Kids can get hurt in other ways, too.
Whatever unresolved issues your mate has with his family are also going to surface in your marriage.
But family values and keeping families strong include working relationships with in-laws. That doesn't mean we'll necessarily love each other all the time, but we can find ways to get along--and send healthy messages to our children about relationships and conflict resolution.
p.146 Set boundaries.
In a healthy family relationship thre is a boundary between the couple and both sets of parents. The primary loyalty and comitment has to be to your partner or the marriage won't last. That doesn't mean breaking up the relationship with parents, however. It means you and your mate must manage the problem together and commit to each having enough time and contact with his or her own family without so,ebody gettin gtoo much or too little.
What if your in-laws want to hog all the holidays? Negotiate. The first person to talk to is your husband. Often wives deal with their husbands' parents, but it is the blood relative who is primarily responsible for conducting the relationshi with his or her parents through life. (The spouse is a kind of partner in the journey.) The blood relative must take the lead in discussions about family contact, particularly if the concersation has conflict built in, as in "Mom and Dad, we are going to sepnd Christmas this year with Sue's parents." If parents are going to be ticked off, it's better that they're annoyed at their own child for making that boundary than at the awful daughter-in-law who makes the nasty rules.
Be realistic about socializing. Get together as couples only on major holidays. "Saturday night is for friends; don't go out socially with your relatives." It's not a rule for everybody because it depends; some families get along great together, regardless of the circumstances. But basically, if family absorbs all of your free time, then you don't develop the kind of supportive relationships with friends that are also good for the family.
Avoid hot-button issues. No religion, politics...
Beware of making your spouse's fight your own. If you hang on to them longer than your husband does, something is a miss. It's easier to nurse such anger and carry a grudge when you're an in-law because you don't have those powerful childhood connections that make rifts painful for family members.
Pick your battles carefull.
Beselevtive about volunteering information.
Do your part, depending on your role.
Cinsider forgiveness.
------------------------
Siblings.
p.154 Be alert to the paretns' role.
Parenss play the biggest role in setting siblings against each other. Sometimes the seeds of lifelong resentment are planted when an older child is forced to take care of a younger one or when one child is treated as afavorite or another is labeled "the bad one."
Build a new history together. Learn how to sidestep certain issues, too. If a touchy topic comes up, say, "That's an area we'll never talk about." Or, "Let's change the subject."
Show that you care. You can love your family without giving up who you are--and the beliefs, dreams, and energy necessaryf or your personal growth.
Close relationships with siblings add to your psychological well-being as you get older--they are the longest -lasting relationships you will have. Good ones between sisters are especially imporatant.
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Not all friends are therapeutic.
p.183 If someone makes you feel unacceptable or not good enough--if you always feel criticized or put down--that's a toxic relationship. What our for friends who depress you.
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How friends can make or break retirement
p.209 Encourage your partner to develop and maintain friendships.
Men are less likely to have close friends and to replace lost friends than women. Overall, they tend not to confide or exchange intimate information with friends. When they retire, they lose the context for interaction with coworkers, which causes problems.
Men's tendency to depend primarily on their wives for emotional support may put extra pressure on (And stir resentment in) you. You may not have the time or inclination to fill in for the work buddies he no longer has.
If you're not employed, your husband's lack of friends can disrupt your own routine. One woman finds that her small aprtment has become even smaller now that her husband is home.
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p.212 We can also learn how to communicate when differences surface. If we as women are to enjoy the full potential of our friendships, we must know how to talk toeach other at the difficult times. Often, we do not, fearing that the friendship will shatter disappointment. In fact, it is when we guess and assume that friendship suffers.
Says Sophie, "I think it was resolved in the sense that we accepted that we can't always need the same things at the same moment. We have to give each other room to want other things. You can't romanticize that you're never going to have conflict."
p.216 Communicate early.
Sometimes friends disagree; sometimes they do things that hurt. We have to expect and handle that. Many difficult situations can be avoided if we acknowledge problems when they appear rather than keep quiet, sizzle, and allow them to escalate.
P.233 Mourning the loss of a friend.
Accept that it's a loss like any other loss. "It's hard to really mourn the end of a friendship because you haven't lost a family member or spouse."
p.13 Fear of envy does another kind of damage. Humorist Fran Lebowitz has written of the guilt and anxiety women tend to feel when others envy them, while men see envy as evidence of their success. Some of us hesitate to share good news such as "Jane is going to Harvard," or even "I'm pregnant," when we know that although a friend wants to be happy for us, she is not. Fear of envy can stop some women from achieving, afriad that success will mean loss of relationships.
p.16 A toxic friendship is regularly: unsupportive, unrewarding, unsatisfying, draining, stifling, unequal
Sometimes you've outgrown a friend and have nothing in common anymore. The satisfaction is gone. Continuing a stagnant friendship prevents you from opening up to new faces and experiences.
p.22 "I'm just a killer. I've been through so much crap in my life that I'm more of a risk taker than most people. I have nothing to lose. If I don't have 30 possibilities on my roster, I'm not dong my job."
p.48 Friends can lighten up and take some of the heat off marriage, so you don't feel overburdened in meeting all of your partner's needs. Couples' friends provide creative ideas for problem solving and can be models, allowing you to see that others have conflicts and work them through.
Friends are less important in keeping longer marriages togher.
p.52 Women friends provide what even the most sensitive and communicative of husbands cannot--empathy for and validation and understanding of the experience of being a woman.
Talking together is a key component of womnen's friendships; in contrast, men tend to do things together. Women discuss emotions, as well as parenting, homemaking, consmetics, and clothes. Who but another female can fully appreciate the frustrations of frizzy hair in July or commiserate with your sister-in-law problems? Only another woman wants to listen at length to your PMS stories, or to the details of your cousin's wedding, or to the drama of your search for patent leather sling-back heels.
p.55 When a wife discusses her husband with a friend, some of what she is doing is figuring out how to approach him. It's a conflict-avoiding strategy to sort through, identify the issue, then decide on the best way to handle it.
p.59 Six months later, their split was followed by that of other close friends. In one fell swoop, our social life had been decimated. The couple we went out with on Saturday nights were gone. We felt devastated. If one divorce leads you to ask questions about your own relationship, two feel like a brutal assult. One woman told me she felt so frightened when her best friends separated that she changed her own behavior. ...
There's reason for concern, because divorce can be "Catching." Dr. Booth's research found that couples with one divorced friend and one divorced sibling had nearly double the divorce rate of those with no divorced friends or siblings. The touble is, divorced peers may nto only cause you to reevaluate your own marriage but may also (like cheating peers) relax your inhibitions and reduce the pressure to make a less than ideal marriage work. When you know someone who is experiencing divorce, oyu gain an understanding of what to expect. It shows you that divorce can besurvived and that divorced individuals are not bad people. It also means that you have friends who won't object to or criticize you for a split. If they've neen divorced, they're more understanding--they're kindred souls.
p.60 If your friend' rift is permanent, you frequently must decide which half of the pair gets your loyalty. Rarely can you maintain friendships with both parties for long. Divorce among friends makes for hard choices. Some people find it so painful, they withdraw from both partners.
My husband and I chose the wives when it became clear that there was no chance of reconciliation for our friends. The men had left with other women waiting in the wings, and it was unthinkable to me to socialize with them. It would have been a betrayal of my women friends, and I had no desire to make polite chitchat with the men's new romances. The wives also needed us more, and my friendships with them were much stronger than my bonds with their husbands.
p.65 Difficult situations
Consider this scene:
Two couples--you and your husband and another couple--have rented a condo for the weelend. The four of you are out on the patio on the last day, when you feel chilly. You go to your room to get a sweater. As you toss it over your shoulders and turn to leave, you're confronted by your friend's husband, standing there in the doorway. Arms stretched high and wide, his body blocks your exit and he stares at you intently. Seconds pass, then he growls, "I want you. Since the day we met I've wanted you."
.....
Wives can be approached by friends' husbands. A man might make flirty, seductive comments. What do you do in such situations? Deal with the husband. ...
An inappropriate gesture is one thing, but knowledge that a friend's spouse is actually having an affair is another. You might feel that a caring friend is doing a disservice by keeping silent. On the other hand, speaking up might force the wife into an action she doesn't want or isn't yet prepared to take. Chances are a wife knows on some level that her husband is fooling around....
However, without hitting a friend with a hammer, you could drop hints, such as "How would you feel abbout it if Pete was having an affair?" It's rare, but there are wives who don't consider a husband's philandering a big deal and who would never consider breaking up a marriage because of it.
p.71 Friends are the most important source of support for women during the first six months of a marital breakup. They can act as sounding boards and confidants during the preseparation period.
p.72 They also supported her children, particularly her youngest, who was devastated by the split. Often kids can talk to a family friend about their feelings, especially if the person can be a good listener and not take the side of either parent.
p.73 Single friends can share activities and leisure hours, so you don't feel so lonely and can get some of your intimacy needs met. We live in a couples society and it can be uncomfortable when you're the odd woman. Weekend evenings are the traditional time for couples--and the time when divorced people feel most in need of company.
p.76 Many people also don't know how to repond when a marraige goes sour, since there are no norms for this situation. Even before an actual split, some married friends may withdraw from couples socializing if sparks fly openly between you and your partner when you're all out together. Some people prefer to socialize with other pairs and may fade away no that you're not part of a twosome anymore. If you have mainly couples (rather than individual) friendships, your frindship patterns change.
p.87 How to be a good friend to someone during separatio and divorce
1. Don't take too strong a stance in separation
2. Keep your balance. If you're friendly with both partners, stay neutral. When you give a party, don't invite just one. Let them know they are both invited and leave it to them to decide whether they're comforable attending. B prepared, however, to learn that one or both may resent your neutrality.
3. Listen
4. Understand what the person is going through.
5. Know when to speak up. If a friend is still acting like a victim after two years, she is probably stuck, and it may be tied to depression.
6. Talk smart to children. If you want to help a friend's kids, realize that it's important to stay neutral toward both parents. A child won't talk to you if she knows you don't like her dad. Depending on the age of the child, you can take him or her out alone and give a friend some relief. Then you might ask, "How 's it going? It's a hard time for you." This provides the opportunity to talk because there are things the child can't say to the parents.
p.94 "When you want to drive a car, you get lessons. When you want to get married, you get a license and maybe precounseling as well. But people have children without knowing what they're getting into. Women have no idea that once a baby arrives you can no longer soak in the tub or chat on the phone or spend half a day at the mall whenever you choose. Your whole life revolves entirely around thsi helpless creature you've created. It's a stunning awareness.
p.96 This reaction was not so unusual. After a divorce, kids expeience the same separation anxiety their parents do. They're afraid they'll be left, too, and they constantly need reassurance. There are so many changes, especially if they must go to a different school and leave their friends behind.
p.112 Set rules in your own house.
Tell your friends' children (and any other kids), "In my house there are certain rules. If you can't play by those rules, you can't play here." Of curse, if the child breaks your rules while the parent is there, it's very awkward. We all have different intolerances; she may not be sensitized to the things that bother you....
In cases where extreme diplomacy is necessary, you can say something sugary, in an exaggerated way, to the child, like "Sweetheart, in our house we don't let the sink overflow. I'd rather you didn' t play in the bathroom"--so the parent knows how you feel, but you can't be accused of being inhospitable. My own rule is never to criticize a child to the parent.
p.115 How do you feel when you've just sold everything you own at a garage sale and are about to move halfway across the country to launcha new life--alone? ... "Well, I'd had it with cornfields, frankly. I was a 34-yr-old medical technician, still single, and there was nothing going on in my life. Out there were all those possibilities."
Only her best friend, Lila, understood, even though she had the most to lose. "O was leaving, probably for good, Yet she knew I'd never be happy unless I got it out of my system. She never tried to stop me; she just let it happen and said, "I know this is important to you. Go for it!"
... The capacity to free the other person to expand and grow is a hallmark of deep friendship. Good friends do that for wach other--and when you're single and on your own, such support from someone who puts your welfare before her own emotional comfort is very special. Friends nourish in other ways as well. They're number one (along withfamily) in making life meaningful for single women, according to research coauthored by family therapist Karen Gail Lewis, Ed.D.
p.120 "Part of the reason I won't live with anyone is that it's important to me to have my own nest. I have many interests that have norhing to do with my romantic relationship. I paint, I sing, I have a great job. I make big money and meet lots of people. Then I hava core group of friends that is my true support system," she says.
p.125 When women don't have a man, they spend a lot of time and emotional energy together; if one becomes involved with a man--and they don't discuss it--trouble may follow. An excluded friend who has few other social outlets may experience deep feelings of abandonment.
ugh this incident is extreme, it's not uncommon to have a problem adjusting to other people and priorities that have become part of a friend's life. Carol Anderson, Ph.D., coauthor of Flying Solo: Single Women in Midlife
p.129 Make friendships as a single more rewarding
Check your satisfaction level. Fulfilling friendships are extra important if you're single because they help keep you feeling good about yourself--and because (unless you're in a committed relationship) you don't have that continuity of contact that married women have. Friends fill out your world.
Prune your friends. Dr. Lewis compares friendship to a garden. "You plant a garden and all the flowers you like best are in the middle. But over the years you may decide you're a bit tired of roses. You still like them, but hey aren't your favorite anymore. You move them from the center to the edge of your garden--and maybe you bring in a new variety that wasn't there before. You may need to get some flowers out of the garden altogether because they may turn into weeds."
You have to work at meeting women the same way you work at meeting men.
p.132 Discuss problems as you would with a lover.
We put much less energy into nurturing close women friends than romantic attachments, even though these friends give us so much. We take them for granted because we;ve been told that only marriage provides intimacy and security.
Refuse to tolerate toxic behavior. You wouldn't let a man repeatedly cancel plans on you. Why would you accept it in a female friend?
If you feel a friend is pulling away from you, discuss that, too. Sometimes you're actually withdrawing yourself.
Show married people how to deal with you. If you enjoy being a hostess, invite married friends to dinner at your house. Why wait for them to ask you?
Leading your life exactly as if you were married is part of grounding, one of the developmental tasks single women must negotiate. Grounding involves doing all the things you need to live a full life, rather than spending it waiting to get married.
--------------------------------------
In-laws
p.135 "You never get a family where every single person gets along well. There are always a few people who are hard to take. But our little segment does well."
p.138 In-laws' retirement can cause tension if they rely too heavily on your family to provide stimulation and focus ofr them, instead of filling their own lives with new activities and interests.
The most common in-law issue involves where people spend their time, according to William Doherty,Ph.D. professor and director, marriage and family therapy program, Univ. of Minnesota, and author of The Intentional Family.
One of the adjustments when you marry involves setting appropriate boundaries around your new family, which allow contact with (And support from) both families of origin, but don't permit them to dominate your life. Lack of such limits sets up disagreement between the spouses, which can stir intense feelings of anger and hostility toward in-laws.
On the other hands, some people want more contact with in-laws. ..... When problems arise, they usually stem from the fact someone does not feel accepted. In a good situation, the spouse feels like a member of the family.
Bias of in-laws: Some parents feel no one is good enough for their child--or, at any rate, you aren't your education or social status or you family's balance sheet doesn't make the grade. Intermarriage can intensify the problem.
.....
She blames both her husband and herself for tolerating the interference. "Why were we listening to them? I should have sized them up from the begnining. Anytimes parents have that much influence over their son, you're going to have to please three peopl--and it's hard enough to please one, I wan't married to him--I was married to a family that didn't like me very much."
p.141 Unrealistic or different expectations
It's not uncommon for a new bride to expect instant closeness and love from her in-laws. One woman was distressed to find her brother's new wife expected her to be a soul mate.
In-laws won't feel immediately like family or immediately like friends. It takes time for these relationships to grow and develop--and some will never be close. In-law relationships are the strangest ones we have because there's a sort of intimacy--you spend time together at holidays and parties--but you're also strangers.
Or you may expect in-laws to know how much independence you want or need--and to respect that--without being told. Expecting them to mind-read creates havoc. If you don't want people to visit unannounced--and if your in-laws are warm, gushy people who drop by--it doesn't work. They don't know your rituals or preferences. You have to communicate.
p.142 You're set up in a pattern by your family of origin--and unless you break out of the mold (or have such a fine in-law that she breaks it for you)--you're likely to follow it. If all you say in your family was fights, you could easily adopt that model. But patterns can change.
One woman remembers being called at work every day by her mother-in-law, who wanted to check out what she was cooking for her son for dinner. She kept her on the phone, telling her how to chop the carrots.
"I'm ten years younger than they are, but that doesn't make me less of a person. I hate to be given advice I didn't ask for, which happens in this family through a third party."
p.144 Cutoffs.
... And that's psychological work drained away from your own family. What you've learned--and teach your kids--is: When things are hard in relationships, you walk awa."
Kids can get hurt in other ways, too.
Whatever unresolved issues your mate has with his family are also going to surface in your marriage.
But family values and keeping families strong include working relationships with in-laws. That doesn't mean we'll necessarily love each other all the time, but we can find ways to get along--and send healthy messages to our children about relationships and conflict resolution.
p.146 Set boundaries.
In a healthy family relationship thre is a boundary between the couple and both sets of parents. The primary loyalty and comitment has to be to your partner or the marriage won't last. That doesn't mean breaking up the relationship with parents, however. It means you and your mate must manage the problem together and commit to each having enough time and contact with his or her own family without so,ebody gettin gtoo much or too little.
What if your in-laws want to hog all the holidays? Negotiate. The first person to talk to is your husband. Often wives deal with their husbands' parents, but it is the blood relative who is primarily responsible for conducting the relationshi with his or her parents through life. (The spouse is a kind of partner in the journey.) The blood relative must take the lead in discussions about family contact, particularly if the concersation has conflict built in, as in "Mom and Dad, we are going to sepnd Christmas this year with Sue's parents." If parents are going to be ticked off, it's better that they're annoyed at their own child for making that boundary than at the awful daughter-in-law who makes the nasty rules.
Be realistic about socializing. Get together as couples only on major holidays. "Saturday night is for friends; don't go out socially with your relatives." It's not a rule for everybody because it depends; some families get along great together, regardless of the circumstances. But basically, if family absorbs all of your free time, then you don't develop the kind of supportive relationships with friends that are also good for the family.
Avoid hot-button issues. No religion, politics...
Beware of making your spouse's fight your own. If you hang on to them longer than your husband does, something is a miss. It's easier to nurse such anger and carry a grudge when you're an in-law because you don't have those powerful childhood connections that make rifts painful for family members.
Pick your battles carefull.
Beselevtive about volunteering information.
Do your part, depending on your role.
Cinsider forgiveness.
------------------------
Siblings.
p.154 Be alert to the paretns' role.
Parenss play the biggest role in setting siblings against each other. Sometimes the seeds of lifelong resentment are planted when an older child is forced to take care of a younger one or when one child is treated as afavorite or another is labeled "the bad one."
Build a new history together. Learn how to sidestep certain issues, too. If a touchy topic comes up, say, "That's an area we'll never talk about." Or, "Let's change the subject."
Show that you care. You can love your family without giving up who you are--and the beliefs, dreams, and energy necessaryf or your personal growth.
Close relationships with siblings add to your psychological well-being as you get older--they are the longest -lasting relationships you will have. Good ones between sisters are especially imporatant.
--------------------------------------------
Not all friends are therapeutic.
p.183 If someone makes you feel unacceptable or not good enough--if you always feel criticized or put down--that's a toxic relationship. What our for friends who depress you.
----------------
How friends can make or break retirement
p.209 Encourage your partner to develop and maintain friendships.
Men are less likely to have close friends and to replace lost friends than women. Overall, they tend not to confide or exchange intimate information with friends. When they retire, they lose the context for interaction with coworkers, which causes problems.
Men's tendency to depend primarily on their wives for emotional support may put extra pressure on (And stir resentment in) you. You may not have the time or inclination to fill in for the work buddies he no longer has.
If you're not employed, your husband's lack of friends can disrupt your own routine. One woman finds that her small aprtment has become even smaller now that her husband is home.
-----------------------------------------
p.212 We can also learn how to communicate when differences surface. If we as women are to enjoy the full potential of our friendships, we must know how to talk toeach other at the difficult times. Often, we do not, fearing that the friendship will shatter disappointment. In fact, it is when we guess and assume that friendship suffers.
Says Sophie, "I think it was resolved in the sense that we accepted that we can't always need the same things at the same moment. We have to give each other room to want other things. You can't romanticize that you're never going to have conflict."
p.216 Communicate early.
Sometimes friends disagree; sometimes they do things that hurt. We have to expect and handle that. Many difficult situations can be avoided if we acknowledge problems when they appear rather than keep quiet, sizzle, and allow them to escalate.
P.233 Mourning the loss of a friend.
Accept that it's a loss like any other loss. "It's hard to really mourn the end of a friendship because you haven't lost a family member or spouse."
(Un) The end of the line
p.40 The menu also listed a bluefin sashimi "set" for $9.5. I ordered it on a dual impulse of hunger and curiosity. The pile of dark red flesh with a sensuous texture and a rich taste, weighing in total around 5 ounces, came with an elegant garnish of twirled spring onion and cucumber, as well as some wasabi and soy sauce. On the side were a box of rice and a bowl of miso soup. The taste was delicious and has remained memorable, as has the guilt that struck me once I had eaten it. That, I resolved, was enough bluefin for a lifetime, or until bluefin numbers miraculously increase. If that is to happen, the Hapanese--and everyone else who like Japanese food--are going to have to get used to eating fewer fish.
p.43. ..... the deal signed by his government, which allow trawlers from the EU, Japan, and Taiwan to fish in Senegal's waters. "Poverty came to Senegal with these fishing agreements," he said succintly. Scientists show that there is more to his view than nostalgia.
Fedby one of the Atlantic's great upwellings, the waters of West Africa are among the world's richest, with more than 1200 species of fish.
p.44 Among the countries the EU has signed deals with is Angola, where millions of people rish starvation. This is a matter of indifference to the country's elite, who earn houndreds of millions of dollars a year in oil revenues. They also receive $32 million from the EU for allowing 85 of its vessels to fish for tuna, shrimp, and demersal fish, which, from the EU' point of view, sounds like an extraordinary bargain. It is unclear whether British or German tourists on their package vacations in Spain, or indeed the Spanish themselves, are aware that the shrimp in their paella are taken not from the Mediterranean but from sseas belonging theoretically to some of the starving in Africa.
... (Forum Fisheries Agency) Attempts to persuade Japan, Taiwan , and Korea to enter into a similar treaty, instead of concluding their own bilateral agreements with small Pacific nations, have been unsuccessful.
p.46 The theory is that fisheries access agreements established a means for poor nations to profit from the harvesting of a surplus they did not have the technical means to harvest hemselves. Such a surplus may theoretically still exist in the waters off Mauritania, a country with a relatively small artisanal fleet equipped with traditional vessels and a vast continental shelf, but not in the waters off Senegal. Denegal has an industrial fleet of its own, ...
p.49 There's no escaping the fact the destruction of West African fish stocks has arisen mainly from demand in Europe, followed closely by Japan and Taiwan--a fact with the consumers in those countries are almost entirely unaware.
p.52Western and Central Pacific Tuna Convention-- establishing a commision to limit catches to a sustainable level. It remains to be seen how successful it is now that all the world's main tuna fleets--belonging to Japan, Taiwan, Korea, the US, the EU, and now China--are fishing in the south Pacific.
(Up to p.294)
p.43. ..... the deal signed by his government, which allow trawlers from the EU, Japan, and Taiwan to fish in Senegal's waters. "Poverty came to Senegal with these fishing agreements," he said succintly. Scientists show that there is more to his view than nostalgia.
Fedby one of the Atlantic's great upwellings, the waters of West Africa are among the world's richest, with more than 1200 species of fish.
p.44 Among the countries the EU has signed deals with is Angola, where millions of people rish starvation. This is a matter of indifference to the country's elite, who earn houndreds of millions of dollars a year in oil revenues. They also receive $32 million from the EU for allowing 85 of its vessels to fish for tuna, shrimp, and demersal fish, which, from the EU' point of view, sounds like an extraordinary bargain. It is unclear whether British or German tourists on their package vacations in Spain, or indeed the Spanish themselves, are aware that the shrimp in their paella are taken not from the Mediterranean but from sseas belonging theoretically to some of the starving in Africa.
... (Forum Fisheries Agency) Attempts to persuade Japan, Taiwan , and Korea to enter into a similar treaty, instead of concluding their own bilateral agreements with small Pacific nations, have been unsuccessful.
p.46 The theory is that fisheries access agreements established a means for poor nations to profit from the harvesting of a surplus they did not have the technical means to harvest hemselves. Such a surplus may theoretically still exist in the waters off Mauritania, a country with a relatively small artisanal fleet equipped with traditional vessels and a vast continental shelf, but not in the waters off Senegal. Denegal has an industrial fleet of its own, ...
p.49 There's no escaping the fact the destruction of West African fish stocks has arisen mainly from demand in Europe, followed closely by Japan and Taiwan--a fact with the consumers in those countries are almost entirely unaware.
p.52Western and Central Pacific Tuna Convention-- establishing a commision to limit catches to a sustainable level. It remains to be seen how successful it is now that all the world's main tuna fleets--belonging to Japan, Taiwan, Korea, the US, the EU, and now China--are fishing in the south Pacific.
(Up to p.294)
(Un) Shrink yourself- break free from emotional eating forever
p.3 Why do you eat?
Food starts off as being not just a source of lige but an expression of love. At the heart of almost every culture, hospitality is shown by feeding people. And a celebration or a time of grief wouldn't be complete without food.
Using food for reasons other than simple sustenance is a normal part of life. It becomes a problem when food becomes so closed linked with feelings that the two overlap and become one. The foundation for this starts in childhood. "When I was good, I got a cookie"; "When I fell down, I was offered food"; "On summer nights, we sent to the lake to get iace cream"; "When I misbehaved, dessert was withheld." Food was trnasformed from a simple source of nutritin to a reward, a diversion, a punishment, a loive object, a friend. Once that happened, food became a way to control your emotions--to deal with your feelings of powerlessness. When you've installed food as a preferred way to cope, you stop developing new ways to deal with stress, your weight becomes increasingly difficult to control, and ultimately you end up reinforcing your feelings of powerlesssness.
In simple terms, when something happens to bother you, it makes you feel badm and you suddenly have the uncontrollable urge to eat. Them when you eat more tahn you know you should, it's always followed by regret, self-hatred, and extra pounds.
p. 21 In noe Native American folk tale, a grandfather explains to his grandson that he has two wolves inside him. One wolf hills him with hope and reminds him how wonderful his life is, and the other fills him with doubt and convinces him that nothing is worth the effort. The grandson asks, concerned for his grandfather, "Which wold will win?" The grandfather replies, "Whichever one I feed."
p.22 You haven't been able to lose the weight you want because eating has become an automatic soothing response to the stresses in your life.
p.26 Lit's face it, there isn't anyone who ewelcomes bad feelings. We look to do something with them--wsh them away, take a nap, go for a jog, talk to a friend, distract ourselves with television or abook, have a drink, smoke a cigarette, have sex, or eat a snack. Ideally you can get to a point where bad feelings are like bad weather--you know they'll pass, and just like when you know it's going to rain so you bringyour umbrella, you know what youneed to get through them. If you haven't yet arrived at this place of acceptance where even bad feelings are a part of you to include rather than to banish, then food will remain your preferred method of medicating yourself.
Food Protects yuo from bad feelings.
Why has food become the thing that you consistently turn to when feelings triggered by people orevents feel unbearable? Food serves two very effective purposes. First, it helps ou avoid feelings. I call the desire to avoid emotions the "feeling phobia." Also, food gives you a way to replace bad feelings with the pkleasurable experience of eating. I call the pleasureble experience that food provides the "food trance." In short, eating protects you from the feelings that you don't want to feel.
Food reinforces your feelings of powerlessness
We talked about how eating takes you to an ealier place in your develop,emt, predominantly because as infants and children, food was often associated with comfor and love. However, childhood is also associated with powerlessness. As a child, you were in fact powerless. You could be mistreated, you couldn't control your impuses, you were subject to abandonment, you were dependent on others to protect and nurture you. ...
p.29 No on elikes feeling angry, lonely, bored, or sad. But most emotional eaters have more than a simple dislike of these feelings, they have an allergic reaction to them. ... Feelings are the doorway you need to pass through.. You have to stop eating mindlessly and automatically when unpleasant feelings arise so that you can draw on your interior wisdom.
(Up to p.35)
Food starts off as being not just a source of lige but an expression of love. At the heart of almost every culture, hospitality is shown by feeding people. And a celebration or a time of grief wouldn't be complete without food.
Using food for reasons other than simple sustenance is a normal part of life. It becomes a problem when food becomes so closed linked with feelings that the two overlap and become one. The foundation for this starts in childhood. "When I was good, I got a cookie"; "When I fell down, I was offered food"; "On summer nights, we sent to the lake to get iace cream"; "When I misbehaved, dessert was withheld." Food was trnasformed from a simple source of nutritin to a reward, a diversion, a punishment, a loive object, a friend. Once that happened, food became a way to control your emotions--to deal with your feelings of powerlessness. When you've installed food as a preferred way to cope, you stop developing new ways to deal with stress, your weight becomes increasingly difficult to control, and ultimately you end up reinforcing your feelings of powerlesssness.
In simple terms, when something happens to bother you, it makes you feel badm and you suddenly have the uncontrollable urge to eat. Them when you eat more tahn you know you should, it's always followed by regret, self-hatred, and extra pounds.
p. 21 In noe Native American folk tale, a grandfather explains to his grandson that he has two wolves inside him. One wolf hills him with hope and reminds him how wonderful his life is, and the other fills him with doubt and convinces him that nothing is worth the effort. The grandson asks, concerned for his grandfather, "Which wold will win?" The grandfather replies, "Whichever one I feed."
p.22 You haven't been able to lose the weight you want because eating has become an automatic soothing response to the stresses in your life.
p.26 Lit's face it, there isn't anyone who ewelcomes bad feelings. We look to do something with them--wsh them away, take a nap, go for a jog, talk to a friend, distract ourselves with television or abook, have a drink, smoke a cigarette, have sex, or eat a snack. Ideally you can get to a point where bad feelings are like bad weather--you know they'll pass, and just like when you know it's going to rain so you bringyour umbrella, you know what youneed to get through them. If you haven't yet arrived at this place of acceptance where even bad feelings are a part of you to include rather than to banish, then food will remain your preferred method of medicating yourself.
Food Protects yuo from bad feelings.
Why has food become the thing that you consistently turn to when feelings triggered by people orevents feel unbearable? Food serves two very effective purposes. First, it helps ou avoid feelings. I call the desire to avoid emotions the "feeling phobia." Also, food gives you a way to replace bad feelings with the pkleasurable experience of eating. I call the pleasureble experience that food provides the "food trance." In short, eating protects you from the feelings that you don't want to feel.
Food reinforces your feelings of powerlessness
We talked about how eating takes you to an ealier place in your develop,emt, predominantly because as infants and children, food was often associated with comfor and love. However, childhood is also associated with powerlessness. As a child, you were in fact powerless. You could be mistreated, you couldn't control your impuses, you were subject to abandonment, you were dependent on others to protect and nurture you. ...
p.29 No on elikes feeling angry, lonely, bored, or sad. But most emotional eaters have more than a simple dislike of these feelings, they have an allergic reaction to them. ... Feelings are the doorway you need to pass through.. You have to stop eating mindlessly and automatically when unpleasant feelings arise so that you can draw on your interior wisdom.
(Up to p.35)
Money changes everything
p.1 I've never killed anyone before. But I once felt like I had. This man and I did not, af first blush, have much in common. I was a pot-smoking, Joni Mitchell-listening 31-year-old gay man; he was a profane, 80-year-old former longshoreman named JM whose nickname was Mugsy. In the 2 years that I'd been living in th aprtment contigouous to his, we'd never shared more words than the occasional grunt-based hello in the hallway......
p.31 When I was a child, going to see my grat-grandfather was an unavoidable part of my summer vacation. ... The trip was long and miserable, but I knew protesting was futile--in our family we did out duty, we met expectations.
p.84 (911) It has been almost 5 years since Dave died. I bought a house and a car and enjoy treating my friends to dinner. I am not ungrateful for the money, but in a way it's been as much of a burdenas a blessing. At some point, the tide of empathy about 9/11 shifted. and the media began portraying widows as out-of-control rich women spending money on fancy cars and breast implants. The sums we received were exaggerated and printed in local papers. I lent money to friends who asked, then felt confused when they quietly slipped out of my life as though embarrassed. I hired a man Dve knew to repair some things around my house and later heard he'd charged me double the market value. Most of the fire-fighters have stopped visiting altogether.
I've felt overwhelmed by managng the money I've been given. Scared I weould make mistakes or be taken advantage of by the dozens of financial advisers who solicited me after 9/11. ...
It's most difficult during the holidays. Not only do memories of Dave take my nreath away, but now that everyone knows I have money,. deciding what to buy them is daunting. Do I purchase a nice bowl for my sister, like I might have 5 years ago, or replace the TV that she has been complaining is on the fritz? .. When I finally cashed my checks, it took three sessions with my therapist to decide on an appropriate amount to give my mother-in-law and members of my family and how to go about setting up college funds for my nieces.
p.86 The following week I received a letter from her. Enclosed was a mortgage payment for her Winnebago, which she insisted she would have to sell if I did not give her the money. I felt emotionally blackmailed, angry that the neediness that had once frustrated Dave was now focused on me in a blatant showdown of loss. I considered telling her everything I felt, but I knew it was as fruitless as throwing a chair off a sinking ship, so I wrote a check instead. The hole that Dave has left in both our hearts is as wide as the ocean, and nothing can bring him back to us, not even a dollar a tear.
p.103 After hearing so many weepy tales about being sent back from the Hamptons in a cab after being flown out there in a helicopter, about having to read to Gran-Gran in her sickroom while sonny boy raced sailboats off the Cape, and about trembling outside some dashing congressman's office only to get a note from his top aid instructing the girl to abort "out little no-comment" and never return to the District of Columbia, I resolved that if Walter Kirn were ever rich enough to keep his lady in lovster salad, I woudln't make her feel feel greedy and contemptible.
p.31 When I was a child, going to see my grat-grandfather was an unavoidable part of my summer vacation. ... The trip was long and miserable, but I knew protesting was futile--in our family we did out duty, we met expectations.
p.84 (911) It has been almost 5 years since Dave died. I bought a house and a car and enjoy treating my friends to dinner. I am not ungrateful for the money, but in a way it's been as much of a burdenas a blessing. At some point, the tide of empathy about 9/11 shifted. and the media began portraying widows as out-of-control rich women spending money on fancy cars and breast implants. The sums we received were exaggerated and printed in local papers. I lent money to friends who asked, then felt confused when they quietly slipped out of my life as though embarrassed. I hired a man Dve knew to repair some things around my house and later heard he'd charged me double the market value. Most of the fire-fighters have stopped visiting altogether.
I've felt overwhelmed by managng the money I've been given. Scared I weould make mistakes or be taken advantage of by the dozens of financial advisers who solicited me after 9/11. ...
It's most difficult during the holidays. Not only do memories of Dave take my nreath away, but now that everyone knows I have money,. deciding what to buy them is daunting. Do I purchase a nice bowl for my sister, like I might have 5 years ago, or replace the TV that she has been complaining is on the fritz? .. When I finally cashed my checks, it took three sessions with my therapist to decide on an appropriate amount to give my mother-in-law and members of my family and how to go about setting up college funds for my nieces.
p.86 The following week I received a letter from her. Enclosed was a mortgage payment for her Winnebago, which she insisted she would have to sell if I did not give her the money. I felt emotionally blackmailed, angry that the neediness that had once frustrated Dave was now focused on me in a blatant showdown of loss. I considered telling her everything I felt, but I knew it was as fruitless as throwing a chair off a sinking ship, so I wrote a check instead. The hole that Dave has left in both our hearts is as wide as the ocean, and nothing can bring him back to us, not even a dollar a tear.
p.103 After hearing so many weepy tales about being sent back from the Hamptons in a cab after being flown out there in a helicopter, about having to read to Gran-Gran in her sickroom while sonny boy raced sailboats off the Cape, and about trembling outside some dashing congressman's office only to get a note from his top aid instructing the girl to abort "out little no-comment" and never return to the District of Columbia, I resolved that if Walter Kirn were ever rich enough to keep his lady in lovster salad, I woudln't make her feel feel greedy and contemptible.
p.119
The summer got hotter. The Cast Member refused to join me for refreshing days at my parents' summeer place, where a pool eased the debilitating effect of the heat. Instead, he spent much of his time sulking about his lack of auditions, stalking around his steam room of an apartment in a pair of jeans, the turquoise cross necklace that banged against his chest and a beer in his hand his only adornments. He called me Stella because I told him he was posing as Marlon Brando and suggested that maybe he should just install an air conditioner and throw on a shirt instead of bathing in his own sweat from June through September.
p.123 My dates with Mr. Wall Street ranged from evenings in chic restaurants to canoeing down the Delaware River. There was nothing we felt we couldn't do together, and we celebrated "the range of our game."
.... honeymoon..I told him he shoulod pay whatever he felt comfortable spending and I would pay the rest. He said he felt pressure to live beyond his comfort level, even though he earned a very substantial amount of money, and I told hin that I didn't want to be held back from living the way I could, so he should find a wayy to get comfortable with the idea that sometimes I would pay more for things than he did.
p.127 The Film Editor and I didn't make it in the long run. He didn't feel accepted by my friends, he told me.
... I understood, but I knew I couldn't spend my life with someone I never asw. I also can't spend my life with someone who shuts me down socially. I love my friends and need to be with someone who feels comfortable socializing with any group no matter which part of town they're from and no matter how much money they do or don't have.
p.129 "I don't have relationship dysfunction," I said, handing the card back. "I just have a healthy bank account."
There's no question: it would be great if I could meet a guy from a similar background with similar drive and interests. But I haven't met him. Instead, I've met whom I've met; I've learned what I've learned. And what I've learned is that you have to accept who you are and then find someone who also accepts who you are. You can't look away and say apologetically, "The Upper East Side," when someone asks you where you're from. You have to own ti, which not a lot of people feel comfortable doing.
p.130"Yes," I said, "I'm going to say that I'm moderately wealthy."
"Do you really want people to know that about you?" she asked, the worry and distaste clear on her face.
"I guess so," I said. "I guess so," I guess I'm going to come out of my walk-in closet."
....I do know this: somewhere out there is a man who doesn't care; who's both grounded and honest enough to talk with me about the specific stresses finances always cause; who will work with me to find solutions that don't break us apart. And if I end up with a man who has less money--or no money--I don't want to argue every time I go to a restaurant over who's going to pay the bill. And I don't want to be held back in my life from enjoying those things I can afford to enjoy.
As for Claudia and her host of worries, well, I understand them No one wants to see someone they care for get used. And no one wants to see someone they love choose a life of downward mobility. ...
p.158
Do you want to know what a $1200 bottle of wine tastes like? Of course you do. That's the first thing my literary agents wanted to know when I told her I was going to participate in an anthology about money by spending the fee on a bottle of wine and writing about iut. " i'll fly out," she said. A few years back, she almost died in a car accident, and she told me that as the car spun her around and around she thought to herself, "I'm glad I had all those delicious meals." "I'll fly out and drink it with you. What do you think it tastes like?"
The next day she called me again. "I don't think you should write this essay," she said. "Twelve hundred dollars on a bottle of wine? It's immoral. People are going to attack you. People are going to call you an immoral person."
p. 160 There were times when I felt like jumping out the window of my apartment, but I could only afford to live on the second floor, and I would just have landed on on eof the loud, laughing people lined up outside, cocktails in their hands, for an unaffordable steak house.
p.163 This is the thing with money, right here, the simultaneous thrill of what it can buy and shame of knowing it ought not to buy such things, and knowing that no matter how much you give away--and in an earlier draft I had a paragraph here about how much money I give away, only to cut it out as it had no bearing on the subject at hand--it cannot mitigate money's imoral circumstances, and drinking the expensive stuff anyway, becuase it tastes better. Everyone know money cannot buy happiness, but it is very wasy to be unhappy in a crummy apartment overlooking the laughing immoral rich people drinking and waiting for steak. I found it so wasy I did it several times a day. It is more difficult to be unhappy in a resort where someone unloads you car while you're checking in, and someone else parks it in the lot down the road.....
p.168 My wife and I have lived in crummy apartments, and we could do it again if we had to. But we don't have to. We don't have to , and we are happier, no doubt about it, for not having to. There is something wrong with this, I know there is, but I can't quite delineate the thing that is wrong with it, and this is the thing with money.
Mad Money -- Andy Behrman
It's the height of the 1980s in Manhattan. Hidden in my freezer, behind two huge bottles of Absoult vodka and a few pints of Haagen-Dazs ice cream, are staks of $100 bills, the proceeds from my art-counterfeiting efforts in Europe and Hapan. My "cold cash," as my friends and I refer to it, is organized in neat rubber-banded piles of $10000. There's probably about $200000 in all.
This Way Out -- Hill McCorkle
p.238 Most unhappily married people who choose to stay together do so because of money and all that it represents: the neighborhood, the trips, the security that a major plumbing or car problem won't force you to go broke. If I had ever had the luxury of writing full-time without any financial worries, would I have felt differently" Maybe, or even if I hadn't felt differently, it would have made for a comfortable nest that might have been difficult to leave. By then I was so aware of our differences. I wan't right verus wrong or good versus evil. It was two different people on different tracks who happened to share a primary focus, which was our children.
What I had become during my years in white-bread suburbia was disillusioned and tired of working more than one job when all I really wanted to do--all I had ever wanted to do--was write. I had become a watered-down version of everything I hadwanted to be--tired of compromise, tired of second choices, tired of feeling homesick. It sounds so ridiculous to name those trite diferences, and yet there you have it: You have lake people and you have ocean peopl. Those who loves dogs and those who don't. Those who celebrate holidays big and those wo don't.
p.239 This is the story of money and what happens when you divorce. I have enormous sympathy for those who are fenuinely trapped. I've been told that women usually go down a rank in income and men go up. ... I am fortunate to have the earning potential I do, because I know that our system is not a perfect one and that there are women who have never worked outside the home terrified at the prospect, especially at a more advanced age. And there are men who feed and stoke those fears.
... Without the kind of hopelessness that sets in when you know you're in the wrong place?
p.240 Why is it so hard to believe that two good and decent humans could look up and not recognize the place they inhabbit? That one wants to go voer there and ride the Ferris wheel, look at the lights, ponder the fate of the universe, and the other one wants to spin on the Til-A Whirl till he pulkes and then go right back for more. I split in desire like that can't be rectified. It is infuriating and is the kind of difference that can throw a divorce into motion. You feel anger and sadness; you cycle through the whole grief process again and again until you come clean enough to put your children first, which means a vicilized relationship respectful of their other parent.
p. 241 But good and easy exit scenes don't come cheap. They are well rehearsed and expensive. Stella! Rosebud! I'm ready for my close-up. Frankly , my dear, I don't give a damn. Pick you favorite. A good ending is hard to find.
Do you want dramatic?
Afterall, tomorrow is another day.
Sarcastic?
Don't go away mad, just go away!
Enlightened?
Que sera, sera.
And of course this is (in my opinion) the best choice: Let it go.
p.242 The desire to stay in and fight can become a series of warped and false exit signs. It might be right to hang in there and duke it out for some, but it wasn't right for me. I have a sign over my desk that says, WHEN THE HORSE IS DEAD, GET OFF IT. It is a sentiment for stories gone awry--deand-end ideas and half-baked characters. But there are many times in life when I think quitting is the right, best, and only thing to do. There are many who hav told me I should have done better, could have done better, and maybe that's true. I have debts that, if I really allow myself to think about it, I shoudln't have. And yet I also have closure, which is worth a lot. I have to factor in there the price of emotional health (not to mention leagal bills) and what dragging it all out another year or so would have meant. For me it was time to leave the fair and not look back.
p.248 That final day in court I kept thinking of a band of boys I had admired when I was growing up. They had a signature sign-off that I used to love. When leaving a conflict of some nature, they would just say, "Adios, motherfuckers!" Even now I can see them, the freedom in their legs pumping the pedals of their banana seat bikes, bushy sun-bleached hair blown from their tan young faces. There was something in those jaunty swings onto their bikes, handlebars gripped securely in a way that said confidence, liberation, freedom. They had a couple of bucks in their pockets, and that's all they needed. Enough for candy and a Coke, maybe a pack of cigarettes from the machine at the Holiday Inn where we all hung out that sumer, snaking into the pool and taking ice for free. They were twelve-year-old boys with a whole world ahead of the,.. Open road, clear-eyed, not taking crap from anybody if they could help it. I loved the power of that look. I wanted to feel like that. They were out of there. And when I finally left that courtroom, I was, too.
Stash -- Claire Dederer
p,260 Money is neither morally good nor morally bad. It just is, and when you're lucky enough to have some, you ought to have the grace to be grateful. It took me a year of my lifeto learn this, a year when I lived with a stash in the bank. The money sat there untouched, like an ogre in a dungeon or a maiden in a tower. It might sit there still. It might not. No one knows except me.
(Un) China: fragile supoerpower
p. 6 Like all politicians, China's leaders are concerned first and foremost with their own political survival.
... The worst nightmare of China's leader is a national protest movement of discontentded groups--uinemployed workers, hard-pressed farmers, and students--united against the regime by the shared fervor of nationalism.
p.9 What distinguisges China, however, is that the survival of the regime, anot just the next election is at stake.
p.11 The Communist Party has embraced nationalism as its new ideology in an age when almost nobody believes in communism anymore. China's new commercial media and the internet, as they compete for audiences, stimulate nationalism with front-page stories hyping the threats from Jpan, Taiwan, and the US. Whenever the public pays close attention to an issue, leaders feel they have to act tough to show how strong they are.
(Up to p.42)
... The worst nightmare of China's leader is a national protest movement of discontentded groups--uinemployed workers, hard-pressed farmers, and students--united against the regime by the shared fervor of nationalism.
p.9 What distinguisges China, however, is that the survival of the regime, anot just the next election is at stake.
p.11 The Communist Party has embraced nationalism as its new ideology in an age when almost nobody believes in communism anymore. China's new commercial media and the internet, as they compete for audiences, stimulate nationalism with front-page stories hyping the threats from Jpan, Taiwan, and the US. Whenever the public pays close attention to an issue, leaders feel they have to act tough to show how strong they are.
(Up to p.42)
(Un) If you had controlling parents
p. xvi After we are grown, our controlling parents may still treat us as children. More frustratingly, we may feel as helpless as children when we're around our parents. We may struggle to get closer to--or find greater distance from--a controlling parent. We may even come to understand their motivation for controlling us, yet be at a lose about reconciling that knowledge with our lingering hurt, disappointments, or anger.
p.xxii
1. You aren't responsible for what your parents did to you, they are.
2. You are responsible for what you do with your life now, your parents aren't.
Unlike your parents, you have a choice. You can heal your wounds rather than ignore or hide from them. You can transcend the cycle of control rather than perpetuate it.
p.11 "It' s all in the past, so what good does it do to go over it?"
While exploring a painful childhood can initially seems to make you r life more difficult, it will eventually help you to enjoy a healthier present and future. Your sense of self can change. Your relationship with your parents can change. Your willingness to be yourself despite others' diapproval can change.
(Up to p.14)
p.xxii
1. You aren't responsible for what your parents did to you, they are.
2. You are responsible for what you do with your life now, your parents aren't.
Unlike your parents, you have a choice. You can heal your wounds rather than ignore or hide from them. You can transcend the cycle of control rather than perpetuate it.
p.11 "It' s all in the past, so what good does it do to go over it?"
While exploring a painful childhood can initially seems to make you r life more difficult, it will eventually help you to enjoy a healthier present and future. Your sense of self can change. Your relationship with your parents can change. Your willingness to be yourself despite others' diapproval can change.
(Up to p.14)
Thursday, July 23, 2009
DVD - NYC 07/2009
BDC: Theater
BDC: Jazz
BDC: Latin
BDC: Tap
BDC: Turn and turn combos
BDC: Hip hop funk
I hate to exercise, I love to tap
Tap dogs
NYC Ballet workout
Crunch:
pick your spot pilates
Fat burning dance party
Fat burning AB attack
Dailty Stretch
Pilates for life: Pilates on the Ball
Abs & waist
Abs & butt
The quick & dirty guide to salsal 2 & 3
Red hot salsa 2
Cal Pozo;s learn to dance in minutes: Latin dances
L;earn to swing dance
At the hazz band ball
America dances
Swing era
A day at the races
Frankie class
Broadway: the golden age
The best of bBroadway musicals
A walk up Brodway with David Hartman
This joint is jumpi' (History of swing)
Marilyn Monroe: A life in pictures
Guys & dolls 1955
Fosse
Cbaret
Chicago
Liza with a "Z"
An american in Paris
Singing in the rain
My fair lady
Sunset Boulevard
Amelie
A streetcar named desire
Midnight sun
Happy feet
The devil wears Prada
Deep sea
An inconvenient truth
From here to eternity
Rent
A funny thing happened on the way to the forum
The prestige
Allabout eve
The break-up
Borat
Brokeback mountain
Notes on a scandel
Beyond the sea
Clean
De-lovely
Night at the museum
BDC: Jazz
BDC: Latin
BDC: Tap
BDC: Turn and turn combos
BDC: Hip hop funk
I hate to exercise, I love to tap
Tap dogs
NYC Ballet workout
Crunch:
pick your spot pilates
Fat burning dance party
Fat burning AB attack
Dailty Stretch
Pilates for life: Pilates on the Ball
Abs & waist
Abs & butt
The quick & dirty guide to salsal 2 & 3
Red hot salsa 2
Cal Pozo;s learn to dance in minutes: Latin dances
L;earn to swing dance
At the hazz band ball
America dances
Swing era
A day at the races
Frankie class
Broadway: the golden age
The best of bBroadway musicals
A walk up Brodway with David Hartman
This joint is jumpi' (History of swing)
Marilyn Monroe: A life in pictures
Guys & dolls 1955
Fosse
Cbaret
Chicago
Liza with a "Z"
An american in Paris
Singing in the rain
My fair lady
Sunset Boulevard
Amelie
A streetcar named desire
Midnight sun
Happy feet
The devil wears Prada
Deep sea
An inconvenient truth
From here to eternity
Rent
A funny thing happened on the way to the forum
The prestige
Allabout eve
The break-up
Borat
Brokeback mountain
Notes on a scandel
Beyond the sea
Clean
De-lovely
Night at the museum
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
NYPL to get
Relief is in the stretch : end back pain through yoga / Loren Fishman, Carol Ardman.
Cure back pain with yoga / Loren Fishman, Carol Ardman.
Complete Gershwin keyboard works : seven major compositions in one volume.
The total back book / Jennifer Sutcliffe.
Shrink yourself : break free from emotional eating forever / Roger Gould.
The pilates back book : heal neck, back, and shoulder pain with easy pilates stretches / Tia Stanmor
Introductory textbook of psychiatry / Nancy C. Andreasen, Donald W. Black.
South Pacific; a musical play. Lyrics by Oscar Hammerstein II. Book by Oscar Hammerstein II and Josh
The Louis Prima songbook : Jump, jive an' wail.
The 16-bar theatre audition : 100 songs excerpted for successful auditions / compiled and edited by
West Side story / based on a conception of Jerome Robbins ; book by Arthur Laurents ; music by Leona
6 Tangos / Astor Piazzolla.
Learn to play-- Latin piano : authentic salsa, mambo, bossa nova, samba and more! / by Riccardo Sciv
In the Heights : a new musical / music and lyrics by Lin-Manuel Miranda.
Gotta tango / Alberto Paz, Valorie Hart.
The truth about cheating : why men stray and what you can do to prevent it / M. Gary Neuman.
Jazz dance styles and steps for fun / by Helene Andreu.
Back care basics : a doctor's gentle yoga program for back and neck pain relief / Mary Pullig Schatz
Getting past the affair : a program to help you cope, heal, and move on-- together or apart / Dougla
Love & respect : the love she most desires, the respect he desperately needs / Emerson Eggerichs.
Relationship rescue : a seven step strategy for reconnecting with your partner / Philip C. Mcgraw.
Broadway musicals show by show, 1989-2005 : a musical and historical look at Broadway's biggest hit
The ultimate Bobby Darin [sound recording].
The Wiz [sound recording] : original soundtrack.
Hair [videorecording] / United Artists ; produced by Lester Persky and Michael Butler ; directed by
On the town [videorecording] / a Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer picture ; produced by Arthur Freed ; directed b
Argentinean tangos for keyboard / edited by Bill Matthiesen.
Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. == music score
Gershwin's improvisations for solo piano / transcribed from the 1926 and 1928 disc recordings by Art
Gershwin on stage : advanced piano solos / arranged by Michael Mimbs.
His needs, her needs : building an affair-proof marriage / Willard F. Harley, Jr.
Rhapsody in blue [piano solo]
Money changes everything : twenty-two writers tackle the last taboo with tales of sudden windfalls,
The end of the line : how overfishing is changing the world and what we eat / Charles Clover.
Gershwin jazz interpretations / [music by George Gershwin]
Good-bye to bad backs : stretching and strengthening exercises for alignment and freedom from lower
Yoga for a strong and healthy back [videorecording] / producer/director, Andrea Ambandos ; Yoga Zone
Pilates for back and posture [videorecording] / IMC Vision ; directed by Rod Rodrigo ; produced by M
Piazzollissimo [sound recording]. v. 3 1979-1983
Sweeney Todd [videorecording] : the demon barber of Fleet Street / produced by Bonnie Burns ; an RKO
Cure back pain with yoga / Loren Fishman, Carol Ardman.
Complete Gershwin keyboard works : seven major compositions in one volume.
The total back book / Jennifer Sutcliffe.
Shrink yourself : break free from emotional eating forever / Roger Gould.
The pilates back book : heal neck, back, and shoulder pain with easy pilates stretches / Tia Stanmor
Introductory textbook of psychiatry / Nancy C. Andreasen, Donald W. Black.
South Pacific; a musical play. Lyrics by Oscar Hammerstein II. Book by Oscar Hammerstein II and Josh
The Louis Prima songbook : Jump, jive an' wail.
The 16-bar theatre audition : 100 songs excerpted for successful auditions / compiled and edited by
West Side story / based on a conception of Jerome Robbins ; book by Arthur Laurents ; music by Leona
6 Tangos / Astor Piazzolla.
Learn to play-- Latin piano : authentic salsa, mambo, bossa nova, samba and more! / by Riccardo Sciv
In the Heights : a new musical / music and lyrics by Lin-Manuel Miranda.
Gotta tango / Alberto Paz, Valorie Hart.
The truth about cheating : why men stray and what you can do to prevent it / M. Gary Neuman.
Jazz dance styles and steps for fun / by Helene Andreu.
Back care basics : a doctor's gentle yoga program for back and neck pain relief / Mary Pullig Schatz
Getting past the affair : a program to help you cope, heal, and move on-- together or apart / Dougla
Love & respect : the love she most desires, the respect he desperately needs / Emerson Eggerichs.
Relationship rescue : a seven step strategy for reconnecting with your partner / Philip C. Mcgraw.
Broadway musicals show by show, 1989-2005 : a musical and historical look at Broadway's biggest hit
The ultimate Bobby Darin [sound recording].
The Wiz [sound recording] : original soundtrack.
Hair [videorecording] / United Artists ; produced by Lester Persky and Michael Butler ; directed by
On the town [videorecording] / a Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer picture ; produced by Arthur Freed ; directed b
Argentinean tangos for keyboard / edited by Bill Matthiesen.
Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. == music score
Gershwin's improvisations for solo piano / transcribed from the 1926 and 1928 disc recordings by Art
Gershwin on stage : advanced piano solos / arranged by Michael Mimbs.
His needs, her needs : building an affair-proof marriage / Willard F. Harley, Jr.
Rhapsody in blue [piano solo]
Money changes everything : twenty-two writers tackle the last taboo with tales of sudden windfalls,
The end of the line : how overfishing is changing the world and what we eat / Charles Clover.
Gershwin jazz interpretations / [music by George Gershwin]
Good-bye to bad backs : stretching and strengthening exercises for alignment and freedom from lower
Yoga for a strong and healthy back [videorecording] / producer/director, Andrea Ambandos ; Yoga Zone
Pilates for back and posture [videorecording] / IMC Vision ; directed by Rod Rodrigo ; produced by M
Piazzollissimo [sound recording]. v. 3 1979-1983
Sweeney Todd [videorecording] : the demon barber of Fleet Street / produced by Bonnie Burns ; an RKO
Q Lib
Elder rage : or, take my father... please! ; how to survive caring for aging parents / Jacqueline Marcell
Infidelity : a survival guide / Don-David Lusterman.
The emotionally unavailable man : a blueprint for healing / Patti Henry.
For women only : what you need to know about the inner lives of men / by Shaunti Feldhahn.
The seven principles to making marriage work / John Gottman and Nan Silver.
Rebuilding : when your relationship ends / Bruce Fisher, Robert Alberti ; foreword by Virginia M. Satir.
The end of overeating : controlling the insatiable American appetite / David A. Kessler.
Not "just friends" : rebuilding trust and recovering your sanity after infidelity / Shirley P. Glass with Jean Coppock Staeheli.
Children of the self-absorbed : a grown-up's guide to getting over narcissistic parents / Nina W. Brown.
Toxic in-laws : loving strategies for protecting your marriage / Susan Forward with Donna Frazier.
Ten lessons to transform your marriage : America's love lab experts share their strategies for strengthening your relationship
The friendship crisis : finding, making, and keeping friends when you're not a kid anymore / Marla Paul.
Taste : acquiring what money can't buy / Letitia Baldrige.
The dance of anger : a woman's guide to changing the patterns of intimate relationships / Harriet Lerner.
Fresh food from small spaces : the square-inch gardener's guide to year-round growing, fermenting, and sprouting / R.J. Ruppenthal.
The five love languages : how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate / Gary Chapman.
Too good to leave, too bad to stay : a step-by-step guide to help you decide whether to stay in or get out of your relationship / Mira Kirshenbaum.
Diet myths that keep us fat / Nancy L. Snyderman.
After the affair / Janis Abrahms Spring with Michael Spring.
Guide to getting it on! : the universe's coolest and most informative book about sex for adults of all ages / author, Paul Joannides ; illustrator by Dærick Gröss, Sr.
Helping your kids cope with divorce the Sandcastles way / M. Gary Neuman, with Patricia Romanowski.
The relationship cure : a five-step guide for building better connections with family, friends, and lovers / John M. Gottman and Joan DeClaire.
Resilience : reflections on the burdens and gifts of facing life's adversities / Elizabeth Edwards.
Passionate marriage : love, sex and intimacy in emotionally committed relationships / David Schnarch.
Toxic parents : overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life / Susan Forward with Craig Buck.
Stretching : 20th anniversary / Bob Anderson ; illustrated by Jean Anderson.
China : fragile superpower / Susan L. Shirk.
Instant persuasion : how to change your words to change your life / by Laurie Puhn.
The five love languages for singles / Gary Chapman.
Horseback riding / Jeremy Evans.
痛症百解 / 楊維傑著.
The complete book of core training : the definitive resource for shaping and strengthening the "core"--the muscles of the abdomen, butt, hips, and lower back / Kurt, Brett, & Mike Brungardt.
Sing like the stars! / by Roger Love
Codependent no more : how to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself / Melody Beattie.
When things fall apart : heart advice for difficult times / Pema Chödrön.
Born free, a lioness of two worlds / Joy Adamson.
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus : the classic guide to understanding the opposite sex / John Gray.
Emotional blackmail : when the people in your life use fear, obligation, and guilt to manipulate you / by Susan Forward with Susan Frazier.
The passion prescription : ten weeks to your best sex - ever! / Laura Berman.
When friendship hurts : how to deal with friends who betray, abandon, or wound you / Jan Yager.
If you had controlling parents : how to make peace with your past and take your place in the world / Dan Neuharth.
For women only : a revolutionary guide to overcoming sexual dysfunction and reclaiming your sex life / Jennifer Berman and Laura Berman, with Elisabeth Bumiller.
Renegade : the making of a president / Richard Wolffe.
Don't throw it, grow it! : 68 windowsill plants from kitchen scraps Deborah Peterson & Millicent Selsam.
Getting the love you want : a guide for couples / Harville Hendrix.
The complete idiot's guide to singing / by Phyllis Fulford and Michael Miller.
The great safari : the lives of George and Joy Adamson / Adrian House.
Infidelity : a survival guide / Don-David Lusterman.
The emotionally unavailable man : a blueprint for healing / Patti Henry.
For women only : what you need to know about the inner lives of men / by Shaunti Feldhahn.
The seven principles to making marriage work / John Gottman and Nan Silver.
Rebuilding : when your relationship ends / Bruce Fisher, Robert Alberti ; foreword by Virginia M. Satir.
The end of overeating : controlling the insatiable American appetite / David A. Kessler.
Not "just friends" : rebuilding trust and recovering your sanity after infidelity / Shirley P. Glass with Jean Coppock Staeheli.
Children of the self-absorbed : a grown-up's guide to getting over narcissistic parents / Nina W. Brown.
Toxic in-laws : loving strategies for protecting your marriage / Susan Forward with Donna Frazier.
Ten lessons to transform your marriage : America's love lab experts share their strategies for strengthening your relationship
The friendship crisis : finding, making, and keeping friends when you're not a kid anymore / Marla Paul.
Taste : acquiring what money can't buy / Letitia Baldrige.
The dance of anger : a woman's guide to changing the patterns of intimate relationships / Harriet Lerner.
Fresh food from small spaces : the square-inch gardener's guide to year-round growing, fermenting, and sprouting / R.J. Ruppenthal.
The five love languages : how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate / Gary Chapman.
Too good to leave, too bad to stay : a step-by-step guide to help you decide whether to stay in or get out of your relationship / Mira Kirshenbaum.
Diet myths that keep us fat / Nancy L. Snyderman.
After the affair / Janis Abrahms Spring with Michael Spring.
Guide to getting it on! : the universe's coolest and most informative book about sex for adults of all ages / author, Paul Joannides ; illustrator by Dærick Gröss, Sr.
Helping your kids cope with divorce the Sandcastles way / M. Gary Neuman, with Patricia Romanowski.
The relationship cure : a five-step guide for building better connections with family, friends, and lovers / John M. Gottman and Joan DeClaire.
Resilience : reflections on the burdens and gifts of facing life's adversities / Elizabeth Edwards.
Passionate marriage : love, sex and intimacy in emotionally committed relationships / David Schnarch.
Toxic parents : overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life / Susan Forward with Craig Buck.
Stretching : 20th anniversary / Bob Anderson ; illustrated by Jean Anderson.
China : fragile superpower / Susan L. Shirk.
Instant persuasion : how to change your words to change your life / by Laurie Puhn.
The five love languages for singles / Gary Chapman.
Horseback riding / Jeremy Evans.
痛症百解 / 楊維傑著.
The complete book of core training : the definitive resource for shaping and strengthening the "core"--the muscles of the abdomen, butt, hips, and lower back / Kurt, Brett, & Mike Brungardt.
Sing like the stars! / by Roger Love
Codependent no more : how to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself / Melody Beattie.
When things fall apart : heart advice for difficult times / Pema Chödrön.
Born free, a lioness of two worlds / Joy Adamson.
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus : the classic guide to understanding the opposite sex / John Gray.
Emotional blackmail : when the people in your life use fear, obligation, and guilt to manipulate you / by Susan Forward with Susan Frazier.
The passion prescription : ten weeks to your best sex - ever! / Laura Berman.
When friendship hurts : how to deal with friends who betray, abandon, or wound you / Jan Yager.
If you had controlling parents : how to make peace with your past and take your place in the world / Dan Neuharth.
For women only : a revolutionary guide to overcoming sexual dysfunction and reclaiming your sex life / Jennifer Berman and Laura Berman, with Elisabeth Bumiller.
Renegade : the making of a president / Richard Wolffe.
Don't throw it, grow it! : 68 windowsill plants from kitchen scraps Deborah Peterson & Millicent Selsam.
Getting the love you want : a guide for couples / Harville Hendrix.
The complete idiot's guide to singing / by Phyllis Fulford and Michael Miller.
The great safari : the lives of George and Joy Adamson / Adrian House.
The Wall Street Journal guide to power travel
kayak, mobissimo, sidestep.com
cheapoair.com, lessno.com (less money, no hassle). itasoftware.com
expertflyer.com
** farecompare.com
farecast.com
yapta.com
usaca.com (US Air Consolidators Association)
milesmaven.com
awardgrabber.com
lonelyplanet.com-- Thorn Tree Travel Forum
virtualtourist.com
IgoUgo.com
flyertalk.com
flightstats.com
--------------------------------------------
p.16 to choose the right vacation: besttripchoices.com
p.41 In general, the cheapest days and times to fly are Tue, Wed, and Sat afternoon.
The timing of when you shop for tix can affect the price as well. The worst time to shop is on the weekend--which is when many other people are also shopping!
Airlines tend to file price increase on Thursdays to see if competitors will match these increases over the weekend. If rival airlines don't raise their fares, the price hikes can be rolled back by Monday morning before business travelers start buying again. Fare sales typically get announced and loaded into computer reservation systems on Monday, and sales often expire on Friday. So, in general, Mopn, Tue, and Wed are the best days to buy.
p.64 Y-Up fare
The quickest way to find Y-Up fares is to use FareCompare.com: "First Class Airfare Yup"
Also try ExpertFlyer.com.
p.65 On international flights, upgrades are harder tos core, though US Airways and some other airlines sell them for about $500 on the day of departure if there are empty seats. There aren't overseas Y-up fares, but there are ways to get a seat you can sleep in at a discount.
Airlines form "code-sharing agreements" with other carriers and put their own flight code on a partner's flight, then sell seats on each other's planes. Delta might have a seat to sell on an Air France flight that it prices a lot less than Air France, or vice cersa. The inventory that Air France has might sell faster than seats offered by Delta. Even though they are selling seats on the same airplane, two partners often price the seats differently. Use those discrepancies to your advantage.
p.68 The best source for reliability of different flights is at flightstats.com shere you can check the history of a particular flight, a particular airline, a certain city, and a specific route.
p.80 In recent years, however, savvy frequent fliers have switched to hotel-connected credit cards that allow you to voncert points into airline miles, sometimes ar facorable rates. Hotels can be a bigger portion of the cost of your trip than airfare, and using your miles toward hotel awards can save you lots of money. One of the most popular of this breed of card is the Starwood AE card, which earns one point in Starwood's hotel program for every dollar you charge on your credit card. With these points, you can get free and discounted rooms at Starwood hotels anywhere in the world, in cluding the Sheraton, Westin, E, Le Meridien and Four Points chains. You can alo easily convert yout Starwood points into airline miles at dozens of airlines around the world.
But you may never want to convert those points to miles. Instead of fighting with airlines for free seats with limited availability, blackout dates, and other restrictions, use your points for the cost of hotels on your trip, and buy airline tickets. You may get more savings from your points that way.
p.94
power buying:
If iI'm planning a multicity trip, will the order I visit cities afffect the price?
Have I checked the reliability of the possible flights?
Power planning: print out directions for places I kow I will be visiting. Even if you are using taxis, you might want MapQuest or Google maps showing the route, so you know if your driver is taking you astry.
p.98 Travel insurance
squaremouth.com, totaltravelinsurance.com, insuremytrip.com
p.112 Critical Packing Rules
Never put valuables in checked luggage.
Never check prescription medicine in your luggage.
Keep an inventory of what you have packed so you know exactly what needs replacing if the bag goes missing.
Note exactly what your bag looks like.
Weigh you bags before heading to the airport.
Check the dimensions of your bags.
p.129 Baggage delay
If you are going to be without your bag for some time, ask the airline for help with incidental expenses and discuss the policy on replacement clothes and other needs. Policies vary. You may think the airline will reimburse you for clothes for a big presentation the next day, but some offer only a bathtoom-amenity for the first 24 bagglage-less hours, then $25 a day for 3 or 4 days.
p.134 If you bag is lost.
Insist on temporary help, such as toiletries or an allowance for clothes. Some airlines won't offer unless asked.
p.168 Bumped
The airline hasd no reason to offer volunteers more than $400. Involuntarily bumped passengers can demand cash for the penalty on the spot, but most don't know that and settle for the vouchers airlines push.
I you do get bumped"
*Get a confirmed seat on the next available flight. Don't settle for standby.
*If you have to stay overnight in a city that's not your home, you are entitled to a hotel room and meals from the airline.
*Always demand cash; the airline can write you a check on the spot. If you voluntarily give up your seat, however, you can't demand cash.
*If you are about to get bumped and you absolutely have to be on that flight, sweeten the pot for passengers with confirmed seats. Throw in some cash.
p.173 If involuntarily bumped, airlines must pay passengers 200% of the fare, including taxes and fees, for that particular flight (not the whote trip), up to a maximum of $800. The compensation is only half as much if the airline can get you to your destination within 2 hours of you original schedule for domestic trips, or 4 hours of your international trips. If the airline can get you on a nother flight arriving within one hour, there's no compensation.
p.176 This is a case where it does pay to ask the gate agent if any upgrades are available--for purchase, rather than for panderring. Seat assignment in premium cabins cab cange quite a bit right up until the door to the airplane closes. Some high-fare customers may not show up, since their tickets usually give them flexibility. Some customers who had won upgrades may have taken an earlier flight or canceled at the last minute. Sometimes seats are reserved for airline crew members or airline executives who end up making other plans. It's worthwhile to check at various points in your wait at the airport if you are hungry for an upgrade--when you get to the airport, when you get to the gate, and just before you board.
p. Make sure you give the flight attendant your final destination, or see if the bag can be "gate checked" so that you can retrieve it on the jetway along with strollers. And when you get a claim check back from the flight attendant, make sure it shows that the bag is checked to a place you want it to go. (SAN instead of SAT, for example)
p.197 During flight
Drink something each hour on a flight.
Move about the cabin periodically. If you can't, exercise your legs while sitting. Most airlines now have exercise suggestions in seatback pockets.
Avoid caffeine and alcohol, which dehydrate.
Doctors advise older passengers to take aspirin to thin the blood.
Consider knee-high compression socks, which aid blood flow in the legs.
p.203 Melatonin is a hormone secreted by the pineal gland in the brain that helps control the body's internal clock. It's released by our bodies based on sunlight--nighttime yields the release of more melatonin.
p.206 Complaint
Never tell an airline you'll never fly them again.
Always tell the airline what you want in compensation and be realistic.
If you want something, be specific.
p.210 DOT complaint: airconsumer @dot.gov
The DOT sends copies of every complaint to the airline involved, so involving DOT may be helpful to consumers frustrated by unresponsive airlines, particularly hard-to-each foreign carriers. DOT officials decide if the complaint falls into a category requiring government investigation.
p.254 The best perks
Cathay Pacific's Hong Kong first-class lounge, called The Wing, has been voted the best first-class lounge in the world by companies that survey travelers. The lounge includes a noodle bar, library, and a bath facility dubbed "the Cabanas."
In frankfurt, Lufthansa's first-class terminal is a separate facility that doesn't look atr all like an airport ternimal. Eith leather seats in the lobby, halogen light, cocktail glasses filled with nuts, and jazz playing in the backfround, there's nary a "Lufthansa" sign visible. On arrival, a valet takes your luggage and parks you car. An attendant greets you, walks you through a private security and immigration check and tells you when it's time to leave. You can enjoy a bubble bath with a rubber ducky or have a smoke in a cigar room. There's gourmet restaurant with white tablebloths and waiters. And a few minutes before departure, you are driven to your airplane in your choice of a Mercedes or Porsche for abording up the staircase used by baggage handlers and pilots, bypassing the herds and hordes completely. Lufthansa says about 300 passengers per day use the ternimal, which employs 200 people. The facility opened in 2005 and Lufthansa says that in its first 2 years, sales of first-class tickets increased more than 40 percent.
Lufthansa gound that the lounge has prompted passengers to arrive twice as early for flights than the airline planned--ninety minutes instead of an anticipated 45 minutes. Some come hours ahead to enjoy the restaurant and bar with 80 kinds of whiskry. On New Year's Eve, a couple with first-class tickets came to dine, then canceled their tickets for a full refund and left the airport. It was so successful that Lufthansa opened a similar first-class terminal in Munich.
Air France "L'Espace Premiere" service at CDG. a brass hotel cart for baggage and personalized greeting by airline attendants who study passenger lists in advance. One attendant escorts a Premiere customer through a special first-class security line and takes the passenger to a Premiere lounge, where a French immigration officer in plainclothes does a passport check. First-class passengers can arrive only 30 minutes before international flights and still make a flight.
Virgin Atlantic Airways: "Clubhouse" has a free beauty salon, offering facials, haircuts, massages, and other pampering by appointment.
p.258
American Airlines has special concierge handling called 'Five Star" service availabl e at LAX and JFK where an airline representative meets you, shuttles you through check-in and security screening, and on to a gate or into an airport club. The airline sets up the service for movie studio VIPs, and American doesn't advertise the service. You won't find mention of it on the airline's Web site, but it is available to anyone in the know. 877-578-2702.
Private firms offer similar services to the public as well as the rich and famous. Airport Assistance Worldwide (888-444-4919) or www.airportassistance.com) is based in LA but lists the more than 140 airports where it has agents available worldwide. Basic service can be arranged for as little as 95 dollars, plus tips. The agents will meet clients at the curb and help them get to a lounge or gate, carry bags, watch children while you make a pit stop or whatever else you need them to do. Often they have greased the wheels a bit with airlines--good concierges know airlines agents and will be ready with boarding passes, baggage tags, and anything else needed for the trip. Using the service allows you to bypass any check-in lines, and perhaps even bypass security lines. The concierge may just look official or be pushy, moving clients to the front of lines without any conscience just by appearing authorized to do it.
p.262 We often get wrapped up in the expense of travel, in opening the wallet at every turn and spending far more than we are accustomed to paying for food and services at home. But travel is an adventure, and I often think people could enjoy it a lot more if they didn't worry about being frugal all the time. Sure, you have to watch money when you travel, but you can make the trip far more enjoyable if you spend a bit more in wise ways. Treat yourself--there are way to get the star treatment without paying outrageous prices.
p.265 Hotel upgrades are available to those who ask. Hotel industry experts say that rather than trying to be aggressive about upgrades, hotel employees respond better to indirect, low-key requests. "Gee, I'm so tired.... Last time I was here I got to stay in one of your suites and it made my day.... Not any chance you might have a suite available is there?" You get the idea.
If you hare checking in for a long stay, don't expect an upgrade. The best chances for an upgrade often come when you check in lsate for short stays--there's little chance the hotel is going to sell the empty suite at that point.
p.268 Did it make sense to boko a hotel $20 cheaper if you spend $30 in cab fare during your trip? The lack of smart shopping can leae you overpaying for a subpar property.
p.274 Most of the hotel industry does care about customer service, and your best bet--always--is to ask. If a room isn't to your liking, you can often be moved, repaired, or even upgraded.
p.288 Cruise
shoretrips.com
cruisecritic.com
cruisemates.com
p.300 Web sites
For shopping
AirlineConsolidator
BookingBuddy
CheapoAir
Cheaptickets
ExpertFlyer
Farecast
FareCompare
Lessno
SquareMouth
USACA
Yapta
For flight info and tracking
FlightArrivals
FlightExplorer
FlightStats
FlightView
Fly.FAA.Gov
FlyteComm
For frequent-flier program help
AwardGrabber
FlyerTalk
FrequentFlier
InsideFlyer
MilesMaven
Yapta
cheapoair.com, lessno.com (less money, no hassle). itasoftware.com
expertflyer.com
** farecompare.com
farecast.com
yapta.com
usaca.com (US Air Consolidators Association)
milesmaven.com
awardgrabber.com
lonelyplanet.com-- Thorn Tree Travel Forum
virtualtourist.com
IgoUgo.com
flyertalk.com
flightstats.com
--------------------------------------------
p.16 to choose the right vacation: besttripchoices.com
p.41 In general, the cheapest days and times to fly are Tue, Wed, and Sat afternoon.
The timing of when you shop for tix can affect the price as well. The worst time to shop is on the weekend--which is when many other people are also shopping!
Airlines tend to file price increase on Thursdays to see if competitors will match these increases over the weekend. If rival airlines don't raise their fares, the price hikes can be rolled back by Monday morning before business travelers start buying again. Fare sales typically get announced and loaded into computer reservation systems on Monday, and sales often expire on Friday. So, in general, Mopn, Tue, and Wed are the best days to buy.
p.64 Y-Up fare
The quickest way to find Y-Up fares is to use FareCompare.com: "First Class Airfare Yup"
Also try ExpertFlyer.com.
p.65 On international flights, upgrades are harder tos core, though US Airways and some other airlines sell them for about $500 on the day of departure if there are empty seats. There aren't overseas Y-up fares, but there are ways to get a seat you can sleep in at a discount.
Airlines form "code-sharing agreements" with other carriers and put their own flight code on a partner's flight, then sell seats on each other's planes. Delta might have a seat to sell on an Air France flight that it prices a lot less than Air France, or vice cersa. The inventory that Air France has might sell faster than seats offered by Delta. Even though they are selling seats on the same airplane, two partners often price the seats differently. Use those discrepancies to your advantage.
p.68 The best source for reliability of different flights is at flightstats.com shere you can check the history of a particular flight, a particular airline, a certain city, and a specific route.
p.80 In recent years, however, savvy frequent fliers have switched to hotel-connected credit cards that allow you to voncert points into airline miles, sometimes ar facorable rates. Hotels can be a bigger portion of the cost of your trip than airfare, and using your miles toward hotel awards can save you lots of money. One of the most popular of this breed of card is the Starwood AE card, which earns one point in Starwood's hotel program for every dollar you charge on your credit card. With these points, you can get free and discounted rooms at Starwood hotels anywhere in the world, in cluding the Sheraton, Westin, E, Le Meridien and Four Points chains. You can alo easily convert yout Starwood points into airline miles at dozens of airlines around the world.
But you may never want to convert those points to miles. Instead of fighting with airlines for free seats with limited availability, blackout dates, and other restrictions, use your points for the cost of hotels on your trip, and buy airline tickets. You may get more savings from your points that way.
p.94
power buying:
If iI'm planning a multicity trip, will the order I visit cities afffect the price?
Have I checked the reliability of the possible flights?
Power planning: print out directions for places I kow I will be visiting. Even if you are using taxis, you might want MapQuest or Google maps showing the route, so you know if your driver is taking you astry.
p.98 Travel insurance
squaremouth.com, totaltravelinsurance.com, insuremytrip.com
p.112 Critical Packing Rules
Never put valuables in checked luggage.
Never check prescription medicine in your luggage.
Keep an inventory of what you have packed so you know exactly what needs replacing if the bag goes missing.
Note exactly what your bag looks like.
Weigh you bags before heading to the airport.
Check the dimensions of your bags.
p.129 Baggage delay
If you are going to be without your bag for some time, ask the airline for help with incidental expenses and discuss the policy on replacement clothes and other needs. Policies vary. You may think the airline will reimburse you for clothes for a big presentation the next day, but some offer only a bathtoom-amenity for the first 24 bagglage-less hours, then $25 a day for 3 or 4 days.
p.134 If you bag is lost.
Insist on temporary help, such as toiletries or an allowance for clothes. Some airlines won't offer unless asked.
p.168 Bumped
The airline hasd no reason to offer volunteers more than $400. Involuntarily bumped passengers can demand cash for the penalty on the spot, but most don't know that and settle for the vouchers airlines push.
I you do get bumped"
*Get a confirmed seat on the next available flight. Don't settle for standby.
*If you have to stay overnight in a city that's not your home, you are entitled to a hotel room and meals from the airline.
*Always demand cash; the airline can write you a check on the spot. If you voluntarily give up your seat, however, you can't demand cash.
*If you are about to get bumped and you absolutely have to be on that flight, sweeten the pot for passengers with confirmed seats. Throw in some cash.
p.173 If involuntarily bumped, airlines must pay passengers 200% of the fare, including taxes and fees, for that particular flight (not the whote trip), up to a maximum of $800. The compensation is only half as much if the airline can get you to your destination within 2 hours of you original schedule for domestic trips, or 4 hours of your international trips. If the airline can get you on a nother flight arriving within one hour, there's no compensation.
p.176 This is a case where it does pay to ask the gate agent if any upgrades are available--for purchase, rather than for panderring. Seat assignment in premium cabins cab cange quite a bit right up until the door to the airplane closes. Some high-fare customers may not show up, since their tickets usually give them flexibility. Some customers who had won upgrades may have taken an earlier flight or canceled at the last minute. Sometimes seats are reserved for airline crew members or airline executives who end up making other plans. It's worthwhile to check at various points in your wait at the airport if you are hungry for an upgrade--when you get to the airport, when you get to the gate, and just before you board.
p. Make sure you give the flight attendant your final destination, or see if the bag can be "gate checked" so that you can retrieve it on the jetway along with strollers. And when you get a claim check back from the flight attendant, make sure it shows that the bag is checked to a place you want it to go. (SAN instead of SAT, for example)
p.197 During flight
Drink something each hour on a flight.
Move about the cabin periodically. If you can't, exercise your legs while sitting. Most airlines now have exercise suggestions in seatback pockets.
Avoid caffeine and alcohol, which dehydrate.
Doctors advise older passengers to take aspirin to thin the blood.
Consider knee-high compression socks, which aid blood flow in the legs.
p.203 Melatonin is a hormone secreted by the pineal gland in the brain that helps control the body's internal clock. It's released by our bodies based on sunlight--nighttime yields the release of more melatonin.
p.206 Complaint
Never tell an airline you'll never fly them again.
Always tell the airline what you want in compensation and be realistic.
If you want something, be specific.
p.210 DOT complaint: airconsumer @dot.gov
The DOT sends copies of every complaint to the airline involved, so involving DOT may be helpful to consumers frustrated by unresponsive airlines, particularly hard-to-each foreign carriers. DOT officials decide if the complaint falls into a category requiring government investigation.
p.254 The best perks
Cathay Pacific's Hong Kong first-class lounge, called The Wing, has been voted the best first-class lounge in the world by companies that survey travelers. The lounge includes a noodle bar, library, and a bath facility dubbed "the Cabanas."
In frankfurt, Lufthansa's first-class terminal is a separate facility that doesn't look atr all like an airport ternimal. Eith leather seats in the lobby, halogen light, cocktail glasses filled with nuts, and jazz playing in the backfround, there's nary a "Lufthansa" sign visible. On arrival, a valet takes your luggage and parks you car. An attendant greets you, walks you through a private security and immigration check and tells you when it's time to leave. You can enjoy a bubble bath with a rubber ducky or have a smoke in a cigar room. There's gourmet restaurant with white tablebloths and waiters. And a few minutes before departure, you are driven to your airplane in your choice of a Mercedes or Porsche for abording up the staircase used by baggage handlers and pilots, bypassing the herds and hordes completely. Lufthansa says about 300 passengers per day use the ternimal, which employs 200 people. The facility opened in 2005 and Lufthansa says that in its first 2 years, sales of first-class tickets increased more than 40 percent.
Lufthansa gound that the lounge has prompted passengers to arrive twice as early for flights than the airline planned--ninety minutes instead of an anticipated 45 minutes. Some come hours ahead to enjoy the restaurant and bar with 80 kinds of whiskry. On New Year's Eve, a couple with first-class tickets came to dine, then canceled their tickets for a full refund and left the airport. It was so successful that Lufthansa opened a similar first-class terminal in Munich.
Air France "L'Espace Premiere" service at CDG. a brass hotel cart for baggage and personalized greeting by airline attendants who study passenger lists in advance. One attendant escorts a Premiere customer through a special first-class security line and takes the passenger to a Premiere lounge, where a French immigration officer in plainclothes does a passport check. First-class passengers can arrive only 30 minutes before international flights and still make a flight.
Virgin Atlantic Airways: "Clubhouse" has a free beauty salon, offering facials, haircuts, massages, and other pampering by appointment.
p.258
American Airlines has special concierge handling called 'Five Star" service availabl e at LAX and JFK where an airline representative meets you, shuttles you through check-in and security screening, and on to a gate or into an airport club. The airline sets up the service for movie studio VIPs, and American doesn't advertise the service. You won't find mention of it on the airline's Web site, but it is available to anyone in the know. 877-578-2702.
Private firms offer similar services to the public as well as the rich and famous. Airport Assistance Worldwide (888-444-4919) or www.airportassistance.com) is based in LA but lists the more than 140 airports where it has agents available worldwide. Basic service can be arranged for as little as 95 dollars, plus tips. The agents will meet clients at the curb and help them get to a lounge or gate, carry bags, watch children while you make a pit stop or whatever else you need them to do. Often they have greased the wheels a bit with airlines--good concierges know airlines agents and will be ready with boarding passes, baggage tags, and anything else needed for the trip. Using the service allows you to bypass any check-in lines, and perhaps even bypass security lines. The concierge may just look official or be pushy, moving clients to the front of lines without any conscience just by appearing authorized to do it.
p.262 We often get wrapped up in the expense of travel, in opening the wallet at every turn and spending far more than we are accustomed to paying for food and services at home. But travel is an adventure, and I often think people could enjoy it a lot more if they didn't worry about being frugal all the time. Sure, you have to watch money when you travel, but you can make the trip far more enjoyable if you spend a bit more in wise ways. Treat yourself--there are way to get the star treatment without paying outrageous prices.
p.265 Hotel upgrades are available to those who ask. Hotel industry experts say that rather than trying to be aggressive about upgrades, hotel employees respond better to indirect, low-key requests. "Gee, I'm so tired.... Last time I was here I got to stay in one of your suites and it made my day.... Not any chance you might have a suite available is there?" You get the idea.
If you hare checking in for a long stay, don't expect an upgrade. The best chances for an upgrade often come when you check in lsate for short stays--there's little chance the hotel is going to sell the empty suite at that point.
p.268 Did it make sense to boko a hotel $20 cheaper if you spend $30 in cab fare during your trip? The lack of smart shopping can leae you overpaying for a subpar property.
p.274 Most of the hotel industry does care about customer service, and your best bet--always--is to ask. If a room isn't to your liking, you can often be moved, repaired, or even upgraded.
p.288 Cruise
shoretrips.com
cruisecritic.com
cruisemates.com
p.300 Web sites
For shopping
AirlineConsolidator
BookingBuddy
CheapoAir
Cheaptickets
ExpertFlyer
Farecast
FareCompare
Lessno
SquareMouth
USACA
Yapta
For flight info and tracking
FlightArrivals
FlightExplorer
FlightStats
FlightView
Fly.FAA.Gov
FlyteComm
For frequent-flier program help
AwardGrabber
FlyerTalk
FrequentFlier
InsideFlyer
MilesMaven
Yapta
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
(Un) When you eat at the refrigerator, pull up a chair
up to p.9
p.xix Throughout the book, I have used feelings of being "fat" interchangeably with feelings of being incompetent, unattractive, unworthy, out of control, valueless, invisible. Our culture links fatness with an entire world of undesirable qualities, and unfortunately, women struggle with their weight do the same.
p.3 Of course, thereis another option: disengaging from the alluring drama of feeling fat and its attendant swwops of emotion. (Which is not the same as bingeing or giving up.) Feeling fat is like Krazy Glue; it takes a herculean effort to separate from it.
p.4 The problem is that it also cuts us off at the knees. When you feel fat--no matter what you weight--you take a pair of sciessors to your life and cut it down to the size you think it's supposed to be in order for you be loved and accepted.
p.8 I've gained and lost over a thousand pounds in my life. I've been anorexic, sixty pounds overweight, and every point in between. (I've been on all kinds of diet...) .. All of them worked for a week, a month, even a year. And then every single one of them stopped working.
When you feel fat and ugly, the thought of going on a diet is incredibly seductive. You watch those breezy, thin women pull out the waist of their pants on the Jenny Craig ads. Or you read the latest article about "Ten Butt Busters to Blast into Bikinis" and you decide that if only you could blast your butt, everything would be fine. A burst of hope fills you with inspiration, energy, willpower. Soon you will be pulling out the waist of your tight jeans. You're going on a diet!
Don't.
p.xix Throughout the book, I have used feelings of being "fat" interchangeably with feelings of being incompetent, unattractive, unworthy, out of control, valueless, invisible. Our culture links fatness with an entire world of undesirable qualities, and unfortunately, women struggle with their weight do the same.
p.3 Of course, thereis another option: disengaging from the alluring drama of feeling fat and its attendant swwops of emotion. (Which is not the same as bingeing or giving up.) Feeling fat is like Krazy Glue; it takes a herculean effort to separate from it.
p.4 The problem is that it also cuts us off at the knees. When you feel fat--no matter what you weight--you take a pair of sciessors to your life and cut it down to the size you think it's supposed to be in order for you be loved and accepted.
p.8 I've gained and lost over a thousand pounds in my life. I've been anorexic, sixty pounds overweight, and every point in between. (I've been on all kinds of diet...) .. All of them worked for a week, a month, even a year. And then every single one of them stopped working.
When you feel fat and ugly, the thought of going on a diet is incredibly seductive. You watch those breezy, thin women pull out the waist of their pants on the Jenny Craig ads. Or you read the latest article about "Ten Butt Busters to Blast into Bikinis" and you decide that if only you could blast your butt, everything would be fine. A burst of hope fills you with inspiration, energy, willpower. Soon you will be pulling out the waist of your tight jeans. You're going on a diet!
Don't.
(UN) Rebuilding when your relationship ends
p.260 Many times the children remain strong and supportive to the paresnt until the paresnts get their acts together. Finally, when the children perceive their parents are strong enough, they take their turn at working through the adjustment process.
p.261 What the children are really saying might be "You've adjusted and are strong enough that I can now work through my process. I need to cry, to be angry, and act out my hurt. I think you've finally ready to handle me while I work through my pain."
p.261 What the children are really saying might be "You've adjusted and are strong enough that I can now work through my process. I need to cry, to be angry, and act out my hurt. I think you've finally ready to handle me while I work through my pain."
Unfinished (Un)
The anxiety and phobia workbook
The emotionally abusive relationship
Rebuilding when your relationship ends (divorce)
When you eat at the refrigerator, pull up a chair
The emotionally abusive relationship
Rebuilding when your relationship ends (divorce)
When you eat at the refrigerator, pull up a chair
Monday, July 20, 2009
Crops in pots
p.114 Blueberry
acidic soil: craneberries underplanting blueberries.
blueberry in the center of the pot, cranberries evenly space around it.
p.112 Currant
red currant underplanted with low plants.
p.137 Vegetables
arugula, endive,
Salad leaves: amaranths, corn salad, mustart leaves, para cress, summer purslane.
spinach, sorrel, swiss chard, winter/land cress
p.151 Herbs
basil, black cumine, borage, coriander, cumin, dill, fennel, french tarragon, lavender, lemon grass, oregano, mint, parsley, rosemary, sage, thyme.
acidic soil: craneberries underplanting blueberries.
blueberry in the center of the pot, cranberries evenly space around it.
p.112 Currant
red currant underplanted with low plants.
p.137 Vegetables
arugula, endive,
Salad leaves: amaranths, corn salad, mustart leaves, para cress, summer purslane.
spinach, sorrel, swiss chard, winter/land cress
p.151 Herbs
basil, black cumine, borage, coriander, cumin, dill, fennel, french tarragon, lavender, lemon grass, oregano, mint, parsley, rosemary, sage, thyme.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Real sex for real women (2-2)
Know your mind
You brain is your biggest sex orgain. You mind and your emotional health are intimately tied to your libido.
p.52 Sex is a natural and healthy part of being human, though it does attract labels--from ourselves and from others. But trying a new sex position or act does not make a woman a slut. You can play the whore in the bedroom, or act naive.
p.54 Self-esteem and happiness depend on self-acceptance. Look in the mirro every day, and repeat this mantra until it becomes part ofyour being: " I am in charge of my actions. I control my own happiness. I accept and love myself."
If you want to enjoy a healthy sex life, it is vital your man knows you find him attractive. Lift his confidence. Write yourself a mental note to compliment your partner every day. It is also important to compliment his sexual prowess. Many men associate manhood with being a knowckout in bed, so praise him on his staying power or ginital appearance.
Focus on the good things. Accentuate the positive in your relationship and ignore the negative. In other words, thanking your partner for his compliment will remind him to do it more often.
p,66Mismatched libido
Long-term couples can't expect their libido to be constant. If you notice your partner seems less interested in sex than usual gently askt hem about it. There's no replacement for direct communication, even in the oldest and most familiar of relationships.
p.70 Releasing your inner vixen.
Our sexy selves often go into hiding because we are too shy or self-conscious to give our sexuality free rein. To bring your vixen back to the surface, you have to leeave your comfort zone. Challenge yourself: try a bold new move in the bedroom, or a new design on your pubic hair. Embrace--and flaunt--the fact that you are sexy.
1.Play the flirt
A little flirty smile at your doorman or waiter is harmless, and it boosts your confidence throughout the day. Flirt with your partner--send him an x-rated email, caress his bottom as you pass in the hall, show him a little thigh, or a lot of cleavage.
2. Seduce him
Run him a hot bubble bath when he gets home and then climb in beside him.. Scrub his body, wash his hair, then lead him to the bedroom and offer him sex the wy he likes it most.
Trust in lingerie
Make sexiness part of your daily routine. You'll find that you feel different about yourself when you are wearing sexy underwear instead of granny panties.
--------------------------------------------------------
Know your relationship
As both of you grow and change, you might find your relationship changes, too. The challenge is to keep your relationship fresh and sexy throughout life's many stages.
p.74
In long-term relationships, couples still have to work hard to preserve the romance in their relationship. Keep your sex life vibrant by tring opositions or techniques, and taking the time to flirt with, seduce, and romance each other. Fantasy, erotica, and sex toys may help to keep it exciting.
Get the romance back
1. Pursue adventure
Your initial feelings of excitement when you first met your lover canot be duplicated, but they can be imitated. When people engage in adventurous activities such as bungee jumping, riding roller-coasters, skiing, or even watching a scary movie, their brains emit dopamine and adrenaline, which are similar to the chemicals emitted during infatuation. By participating in these types of activities with your partner, you get to spend quality time together and benefit from the surges of excitement and attraction.
2. Stay sexy
3. Make a date
All long-term couples benefit from setting a date night and spending quality time together outside the home.
-------------------------------------------
Connecting with your relationship
All relationships take work, so it makes sense that the most important relationship in your life should require the most owrk and commitment. "Happily ever after" is the stuff of fairy talkes.
Make a commitment to reality. Your relationship isn't going to be a fairy tale. There will be times when you are not attracted to your partner, times when you want to kill him, and times when the sex isn't great.
Once two people are in a commited relationship, they tend to let certain aspects of their lives fall away--sex and excitement are som,etime among them. By the time your relationship hits the 2-3 year mark, you need to put in some effort and use a little imaginatio to recreate the passion and romance of your early relationship. This might mean regular weekends away or makrking a "sex night" on the calendar.
Romance is not a single event, ut an ongoing attitude. When sitting in the car, reach over and touch his thigh. Post a sexy promise on his pillow. These small things add up to something much bigger.
Preserve a little mystery. Keep things interesting.
Make your relationship a haven for laughter, silliness, and fun. Whether it is the private nickname you call him, his shower songs, or your special jokes during sex, intimacy is created through these little secrets.
p.92 Communicating needs and desires
Effecting change in your sex life. POstive change always begins with proactive efforts. Too often, women take a back seat when it co,mes to their relatiomnships and their sexual pleasure, assuming that their partners will know what they need and that the sparks will fly on their own. Unfortunately, this is hardly ever the care
In order to create a positive change in the bedroom and in your relationship, you need to step up and take the reins. Now is not the time to be self-conscious or self-doubting--only you know what you want, and what you need. If you want more romance, don't be shy about initiating a little sexual magic to seduce your partner to your way of thinking. Along with the willingness to put in the time and effort, you also need to be honest with your partner. Let him know your needs. After all, he isn't a mind reader.
----------------------------------------
Arousal and orgasm
Kissing is an important bonding mechanism.
Regular touch will naturally increase intimacy. Making nonerotic touch an everyday part of your relationship--playing with your partner's hair, or tickling their back.
Wrestle for it --rolling and play-fighting under the covers can be highly sexual, especially if you are nude. Any actiity that increases your heart rate and gets you into physical contact will be good for your sex life.
Try out different things. Experiment with sensations of hot, cold smooth, and rough. Try rubbing a piece of ice across your partner's bare torso, or heat things up by placing warmed sones on his back.
Touchy-feely foreplay: use a blindford and thens et out to tantalize his senses. Trickle a little honey over hs lips and then lick it off. Heat up your mouth with earm water or tea, then use your hot lips and tongue to caress and lick his hot spots. Take a silk scarf and rub it over his face and his hands, and massage his penis and testicles. Rub your naked breasts and genitals over his face, chest, and penis. Finally, drape your hair--or use a feather wand or boa--over hsi body and use it to tickle and caress his throat and face. Take off the blindfold, then use your new sensory knowledge to heat things up during sex.
p. 108 Sensual massage is intended to help couples connect intimately with each other, stimulate the senses, and set the mid free.
Erotic massage. Kiss, touch, and massage to crete an all-over-body sensory experience. Focus on obvious hot spots like the genitals, breasts, and bottom, but also target the inner thighs, lower abdomen, and other sensitive places.
p.114 Understanding arousal
Women are often aroused through mental stimuli, such as flirtatious conversation or seductive reading material. Men, on the other hand, prefer visual or physical stimuli, such as the sight or touch of bare skin.
Female arousal: An underlying facto rin female arousal is that sex begins way before the bedroom. In other words, if nothing sounds sexier to you than a long bath, a nice dinner, and freshly laundered sheets, you are probably a woman. It might not be easy for him to understand, but sometimes the sexiest thing your partner can do is to help you cut down on your to-do list, so that you can have the space, time and energy to really focus on sex.
Women ca n take up to 30 minutes to reach their arousal peak. So take your time and make sure that forplay in on target. Men often don't realize that women need extra stimulation to reach a state of arousal where they can achieve an orgasm.
If yuo are seeking a change in the bedroom--such as the addition or removal of a certain technique or position--use positive reinforcement instead of complaints. Any type of positive reinforcement is sure to stick in your partner's head and help him to focus more directly on what gets you feeling aroused--and he won't even realize that the whole thing was your idea.
p.118 Female orgasm
The clitoris is hypersensitive after orgasm, so indirect clitoral stimulation can make you most likely to climax again.
Women are capable of having three different types of orgasm, depending on the stimulation.
Hot spots include the clitoris, G-spots, and cervix, and they are each capable of bringing their own type of pleasure to play. The clitoral organs is perhaps the most commonly known (and achieved) type of orgasm. In addition, some women experience an intense viginal orgasmn. This occurs (for some women_ when the G-spot and cervix are stimulated. You'll need to find the right angle and may need deep penetration. A blended orgasm is the best of both worlds, and usually occurs when a woman's vagina and clitoris are stimulated at the same time.
Sex-giving exerciseL without exercise, vagina can lose elasticity and strength--which means that your sexual response and orgasms can be negatively affected.
One of the easiest ways to heighten your orgasms is to tighten your pelvic muscles and strengthen your pelvis floor through Kegel exercises.
You can also purchase weighted and non-weighted vaginal exercisers to insert into your vagina to exercise your pelvic floor muscles. These are perfect tools for women who want to strengthen their prlvic floor after childbirth.
Vaginal tone and pelvic floor strength can also be perfected through a regular workout of your transverse abdominals.
p.120 Male arousal: He will also adore being seduced by you, so don't always leave it to him to initiate sex. Next time you're in the mood, don't stifle your natural urges; instead, pay him the greatest compliment by telling him that you want him right then.
Indulge yourself with some sexy underwear, then invite your man to a private viewing. If you've been togehter a while, ask him to undress you as it will reawaken the thrill of the first time. Tomake it more exciting tell him that che can only use his teeth.
Touch feels different when it happens somewhere other than the usual location. Takng your man to the shower or hot tub will heighten his sexual pleasure when you massage his hot spots under water. Using different vibrations from the shower head can also be arousing.
p.124 Mutual orgasm
The best positions for couples to achieve a mutual orgasm are probably those where one or both of you have a free hand. Maximum arousal is key, so caress your clitoris while he penetrates you with his penis. It will increase his pleassure, as he will love seeing you being so free and open. If his hands are available, ask him to reach down and rub your clitoris or your perineum.
Make it different. Using a few props can take your usual lovemaking positions to the next level in pleasure. Sex toys, a well-placed chair, a couple of pillows are all you need. Try making love in different places. Any place or position that changes the angle of penetration and creates new sensations will feel exciting and orgasmic.
p.132 Hand-play for her
Indirect stimulation of clitoris is often the most arousing, cince direct touch can feel too intense, and can sometimes be almost painful.Encourage him to gently stimulate you clitoris with his fingers through your panties, or use his entire hand torub across the enxpanse of the vulva--since your clitoris is covered by the labid you willfeel sensations less directly.
Hand-play for him
It can be intimidating to perform manual sex on a man--after all, most men are already experts at self-stimulation themselves.
When men masturbate they tend to forgo a slow and sensual build up in facor of fast intense penis stimulation--the time taken from first touch to ejaculation may sometimes be amatter of seconds. So, by slowing things down and making hand-play seductive , you can offer your lover an entirely differnt manual experience to the one he is used to. Lingering strokes on erogenous zones such as his belly and inner thighs--both tantalizingly close to his penis--will tubo charge his arousal levels and by the time you touch his penis he'll be thoroughly warmed up.
p.190 Erotica
Written erotica is a big turn0on for many women. While men enjoy looking at top-sehlt magazines, enjoying the sexy pictures and minimal text, women are more likely to enjoy reading erotica and imagining the visual content themselves. Try reading erotica solo to luxuriate in sexual scenes and the ideas they evoke. Then, when you want to spice things up with your partner, bring out some of your favorite racy matieial and read him the X-rated bits. Or get into the habit of reading him an erotic bedtime story.
-----------------------------------------------
p.251 Resources
Books
For women only
Passion prescription
The five languages
Conscious loving
Getting the love you want
Guide to getting it on
Women's bodies, women's wisdom
How to be a great lover
Kama Sutra for 21st-century lovers
Tracy Cox's Kama Sutra
Websites
bermancenter.com
the-clitoris.com
delauraberman.com
veginaverite.com
Erotica
Femme productions candidaroyalle.com
Herotica books
Nancy Friday books
p.193 Keeping sex sexy
If you always make love in the same way, ror you don't get as turned on as you used to, do something about it. Come up with some sexy ideas that you want to try, and present them playfully to your partner. It could revamp your relationship s well as your sex life.
You brain is your biggest sex orgain. You mind and your emotional health are intimately tied to your libido.
p.52 Sex is a natural and healthy part of being human, though it does attract labels--from ourselves and from others. But trying a new sex position or act does not make a woman a slut. You can play the whore in the bedroom, or act naive.
p.54 Self-esteem and happiness depend on self-acceptance. Look in the mirro every day, and repeat this mantra until it becomes part ofyour being: " I am in charge of my actions. I control my own happiness. I accept and love myself."
If you want to enjoy a healthy sex life, it is vital your man knows you find him attractive. Lift his confidence. Write yourself a mental note to compliment your partner every day. It is also important to compliment his sexual prowess. Many men associate manhood with being a knowckout in bed, so praise him on his staying power or ginital appearance.
Focus on the good things. Accentuate the positive in your relationship and ignore the negative. In other words, thanking your partner for his compliment will remind him to do it more often.
p,66Mismatched libido
Long-term couples can't expect their libido to be constant. If you notice your partner seems less interested in sex than usual gently askt hem about it. There's no replacement for direct communication, even in the oldest and most familiar of relationships.
p.70 Releasing your inner vixen.
Our sexy selves often go into hiding because we are too shy or self-conscious to give our sexuality free rein. To bring your vixen back to the surface, you have to leeave your comfort zone. Challenge yourself: try a bold new move in the bedroom, or a new design on your pubic hair. Embrace--and flaunt--the fact that you are sexy.
1.Play the flirt
A little flirty smile at your doorman or waiter is harmless, and it boosts your confidence throughout the day. Flirt with your partner--send him an x-rated email, caress his bottom as you pass in the hall, show him a little thigh, or a lot of cleavage.
2. Seduce him
Run him a hot bubble bath when he gets home and then climb in beside him.. Scrub his body, wash his hair, then lead him to the bedroom and offer him sex the wy he likes it most.
Trust in lingerie
Make sexiness part of your daily routine. You'll find that you feel different about yourself when you are wearing sexy underwear instead of granny panties.
--------------------------------------------------------
Know your relationship
As both of you grow and change, you might find your relationship changes, too. The challenge is to keep your relationship fresh and sexy throughout life's many stages.
p.74
In long-term relationships, couples still have to work hard to preserve the romance in their relationship. Keep your sex life vibrant by tring opositions or techniques, and taking the time to flirt with, seduce, and romance each other. Fantasy, erotica, and sex toys may help to keep it exciting.
Get the romance back
1. Pursue adventure
Your initial feelings of excitement when you first met your lover canot be duplicated, but they can be imitated. When people engage in adventurous activities such as bungee jumping, riding roller-coasters, skiing, or even watching a scary movie, their brains emit dopamine and adrenaline, which are similar to the chemicals emitted during infatuation. By participating in these types of activities with your partner, you get to spend quality time together and benefit from the surges of excitement and attraction.
2. Stay sexy
3. Make a date
All long-term couples benefit from setting a date night and spending quality time together outside the home.
-------------------------------------------
Connecting with your relationship
All relationships take work, so it makes sense that the most important relationship in your life should require the most owrk and commitment. "Happily ever after" is the stuff of fairy talkes.
Make a commitment to reality. Your relationship isn't going to be a fairy tale. There will be times when you are not attracted to your partner, times when you want to kill him, and times when the sex isn't great.
Once two people are in a commited relationship, they tend to let certain aspects of their lives fall away--sex and excitement are som,etime among them. By the time your relationship hits the 2-3 year mark, you need to put in some effort and use a little imaginatio to recreate the passion and romance of your early relationship. This might mean regular weekends away or makrking a "sex night" on the calendar.
Romance is not a single event, ut an ongoing attitude. When sitting in the car, reach over and touch his thigh. Post a sexy promise on his pillow. These small things add up to something much bigger.
Preserve a little mystery. Keep things interesting.
Make your relationship a haven for laughter, silliness, and fun. Whether it is the private nickname you call him, his shower songs, or your special jokes during sex, intimacy is created through these little secrets.
p.92 Communicating needs and desires
Effecting change in your sex life. POstive change always begins with proactive efforts. Too often, women take a back seat when it co,mes to their relatiomnships and their sexual pleasure, assuming that their partners will know what they need and that the sparks will fly on their own. Unfortunately, this is hardly ever the care
In order to create a positive change in the bedroom and in your relationship, you need to step up and take the reins. Now is not the time to be self-conscious or self-doubting--only you know what you want, and what you need. If you want more romance, don't be shy about initiating a little sexual magic to seduce your partner to your way of thinking. Along with the willingness to put in the time and effort, you also need to be honest with your partner. Let him know your needs. After all, he isn't a mind reader.
----------------------------------------
Arousal and orgasm
Kissing is an important bonding mechanism.
Regular touch will naturally increase intimacy. Making nonerotic touch an everyday part of your relationship--playing with your partner's hair, or tickling their back.
Wrestle for it --rolling and play-fighting under the covers can be highly sexual, especially if you are nude. Any actiity that increases your heart rate and gets you into physical contact will be good for your sex life.
Try out different things. Experiment with sensations of hot, cold smooth, and rough. Try rubbing a piece of ice across your partner's bare torso, or heat things up by placing warmed sones on his back.
Touchy-feely foreplay: use a blindford and thens et out to tantalize his senses. Trickle a little honey over hs lips and then lick it off. Heat up your mouth with earm water or tea, then use your hot lips and tongue to caress and lick his hot spots. Take a silk scarf and rub it over his face and his hands, and massage his penis and testicles. Rub your naked breasts and genitals over his face, chest, and penis. Finally, drape your hair--or use a feather wand or boa--over hsi body and use it to tickle and caress his throat and face. Take off the blindfold, then use your new sensory knowledge to heat things up during sex.
p. 108 Sensual massage is intended to help couples connect intimately with each other, stimulate the senses, and set the mid free.
Erotic massage. Kiss, touch, and massage to crete an all-over-body sensory experience. Focus on obvious hot spots like the genitals, breasts, and bottom, but also target the inner thighs, lower abdomen, and other sensitive places.
p.114 Understanding arousal
Women are often aroused through mental stimuli, such as flirtatious conversation or seductive reading material. Men, on the other hand, prefer visual or physical stimuli, such as the sight or touch of bare skin.
Female arousal: An underlying facto rin female arousal is that sex begins way before the bedroom. In other words, if nothing sounds sexier to you than a long bath, a nice dinner, and freshly laundered sheets, you are probably a woman. It might not be easy for him to understand, but sometimes the sexiest thing your partner can do is to help you cut down on your to-do list, so that you can have the space, time and energy to really focus on sex.
Women ca n take up to 30 minutes to reach their arousal peak. So take your time and make sure that forplay in on target. Men often don't realize that women need extra stimulation to reach a state of arousal where they can achieve an orgasm.
If yuo are seeking a change in the bedroom--such as the addition or removal of a certain technique or position--use positive reinforcement instead of complaints. Any type of positive reinforcement is sure to stick in your partner's head and help him to focus more directly on what gets you feeling aroused--and he won't even realize that the whole thing was your idea.
p.118 Female orgasm
The clitoris is hypersensitive after orgasm, so indirect clitoral stimulation can make you most likely to climax again.
Women are capable of having three different types of orgasm, depending on the stimulation.
Hot spots include the clitoris, G-spots, and cervix, and they are each capable of bringing their own type of pleasure to play. The clitoral organs is perhaps the most commonly known (and achieved) type of orgasm. In addition, some women experience an intense viginal orgasmn. This occurs (for some women_ when the G-spot and cervix are stimulated. You'll need to find the right angle and may need deep penetration. A blended orgasm is the best of both worlds, and usually occurs when a woman's vagina and clitoris are stimulated at the same time.
Sex-giving exerciseL without exercise, vagina can lose elasticity and strength--which means that your sexual response and orgasms can be negatively affected.
One of the easiest ways to heighten your orgasms is to tighten your pelvic muscles and strengthen your pelvis floor through Kegel exercises.
You can also purchase weighted and non-weighted vaginal exercisers to insert into your vagina to exercise your pelvic floor muscles. These are perfect tools for women who want to strengthen their prlvic floor after childbirth.
Vaginal tone and pelvic floor strength can also be perfected through a regular workout of your transverse abdominals.
p.120 Male arousal: He will also adore being seduced by you, so don't always leave it to him to initiate sex. Next time you're in the mood, don't stifle your natural urges; instead, pay him the greatest compliment by telling him that you want him right then.
Indulge yourself with some sexy underwear, then invite your man to a private viewing. If you've been togehter a while, ask him to undress you as it will reawaken the thrill of the first time. Tomake it more exciting tell him that che can only use his teeth.
Touch feels different when it happens somewhere other than the usual location. Takng your man to the shower or hot tub will heighten his sexual pleasure when you massage his hot spots under water. Using different vibrations from the shower head can also be arousing.
p.124 Mutual orgasm
The best positions for couples to achieve a mutual orgasm are probably those where one or both of you have a free hand. Maximum arousal is key, so caress your clitoris while he penetrates you with his penis. It will increase his pleassure, as he will love seeing you being so free and open. If his hands are available, ask him to reach down and rub your clitoris or your perineum.
Make it different. Using a few props can take your usual lovemaking positions to the next level in pleasure. Sex toys, a well-placed chair, a couple of pillows are all you need. Try making love in different places. Any place or position that changes the angle of penetration and creates new sensations will feel exciting and orgasmic.
p.132 Hand-play for her
Indirect stimulation of clitoris is often the most arousing, cince direct touch can feel too intense, and can sometimes be almost painful.Encourage him to gently stimulate you clitoris with his fingers through your panties, or use his entire hand torub across the enxpanse of the vulva--since your clitoris is covered by the labid you willfeel sensations less directly.
Hand-play for him
It can be intimidating to perform manual sex on a man--after all, most men are already experts at self-stimulation themselves.
When men masturbate they tend to forgo a slow and sensual build up in facor of fast intense penis stimulation--the time taken from first touch to ejaculation may sometimes be amatter of seconds. So, by slowing things down and making hand-play seductive , you can offer your lover an entirely differnt manual experience to the one he is used to. Lingering strokes on erogenous zones such as his belly and inner thighs--both tantalizingly close to his penis--will tubo charge his arousal levels and by the time you touch his penis he'll be thoroughly warmed up.
p.190 Erotica
Written erotica is a big turn0on for many women. While men enjoy looking at top-sehlt magazines, enjoying the sexy pictures and minimal text, women are more likely to enjoy reading erotica and imagining the visual content themselves. Try reading erotica solo to luxuriate in sexual scenes and the ideas they evoke. Then, when you want to spice things up with your partner, bring out some of your favorite racy matieial and read him the X-rated bits. Or get into the habit of reading him an erotic bedtime story.
-----------------------------------------------
p.251 Resources
Books
For women only
Passion prescription
The five languages
Conscious loving
Getting the love you want
Guide to getting it on
Women's bodies, women's wisdom
How to be a great lover
Kama Sutra for 21st-century lovers
Tracy Cox's Kama Sutra
Websites
bermancenter.com
the-clitoris.com
delauraberman.com
veginaverite.com
Erotica
Femme productions candidaroyalle.com
Herotica books
Nancy Friday books
p.193 Keeping sex sexy
If you always make love in the same way, ror you don't get as turned on as you used to, do something about it. Come up with some sexy ideas that you want to try, and present them playfully to your partner. It could revamp your relationship s well as your sex life.
Real sex for real women (2-1)
Sex is what separates lovers and friends. It is what makes a marriage more than just a partnership and parenthood ...
Those of us who have encountereed a lackluster sex life know that lack of passion can kill a relationship. Even when everything else is on track... poor secual pleasure can throw a wrench in your relationship dynamic.
That being said, great sex doesn't happen overnight, and if we were honest, most of us would hav to admit that life is not always perfect between the shhets. Whether you aren't getting enough foreplay or you feel your partner isn't adventurous enough, there is peobably something about your sex life that you like to improve.
... I know that you're unbelievably busy. I know that some days you barely have time to eat a decent meal, let alone don complicated lingerie and cook a candlelit dinner for your partner. .. I'm going to help you figure out your own suxal needs and become acquanted with your own suxal potential. ... You might have to contront some of your fears and face down some of your insecurities. ...
-------------------------------------------------------------
Sex Matters
p.11 Sex is a fundamenatal part of humanity and your sexuality is an essential part of your womanhood. Learn how to harness your sexual energy and use it to become a creative and happy person. To dony our ties to sexuality and our need or sexual fulfillment is to deny our existence. ... Understanding and accepting your sexuality will lead you to pleasure, confidence, and a fulfilling, intimate relationship with your lover.
p.12 Woever you are,. whatever your circumstances or age, sex is vital to your emotional well-being, self-esteem, health, and relationships.
If you understand your sexuality, you accept your sexual feelings, are able to express your desires to your lover, and find that sex adds intimacy to your relationship.
p.14 The true "Afterglow" of sex might be that you feel more beauftiful and loved after a great session with your lover, and those positive feelings spur you on to greater achievements in your career and personal endeavors.
The problem is that some women don't put a high value on their sexuality. Male pleasure often takes precedence in the bedroom, and even the bravest of owomen may fear asking for something different or new from their partner. Women worry their partner might be offended or think they are being bossy and dominerring; wore,they think their sexual demands suggest the extent of heir experience in th bedroom. Consequently, some women never find out whtt arouses them.
If you want to reclaim your sexuality and enjoy a healthy sex life, you will need a few tools. Confidence in yourself is mandatory, so spend time caring for your body and finding out how it works.
Your sexual needs evolve depending on your circumstances, and should be kept under review. In other words, if you and your partner are still making the same moves in your 50s that worked in your 20s, don't be surprised if your sex life is not as satisfying as it could be.
p.16 Male sexuality. Keeping high levels of intimacy, talking to your man about his feelings, and making him feel good about himself will enhance your emotional and, consequently, exual connection. So you both need to express your sexual desires.
This is important, because most men also need to know they are satisfyng their partner. Sexual performance is a vital part of a man's self-esteem, and sexual longevity and prowess are key issues for most men. However, a man's need to satisfy his partner can sometimes create anxiety and tension in the bedroom--while he feels under pressure to be a great lover, his partner worries that she must have an orgasm to avoid huring his feelings. ... Tell him you want to relax and enjoy sensations. Let him know that it is not the orgasm but the intimacy and connection to the person she is having sex with that determines a woman's sexual satisfaction.
p.18 Male and female sexual differences
When a man sees a sexy image--such as their partner beding over to clean the bath or a glimpse of her naked flesh--he is aroused and may respond by pressing himself against her and wanting sex urgently. Women can also be aroused by visual stimuli, but tend to need more kinesthetic ones--such as stroking, kissing, and cuddling--to reach a point of wanting to have sex.
Men love the immediacy of a rousal and the seduction of their owman into the bedroom. Women, on the other hand, tend to enjoy the prolonged intimacy of cuddling, stroking , and kissing. Men tend to wake up with an erection, whereas women tend to prefer nighttime sex after they have relaxed, or had a bath.
Women take longer to become aroused and achieve orgasm because we are not as goal-oriented as men. Women's brains have evolved to be more adapted to multitasking, and this means we cannot zoon from zero to 50 in under 5 minutes. ... It also means that enjoying sex can be a bit of a strugglw for us. It is harder for us to detach from our worries and simply enjoy sex. .. Men find it easier to disengage from their worries and revel in the pleasure of sex, which is why it is important for our partners to understand that we need foreplay and extra time to enjoy sex.
p.20 Sex and intimacy
Sex and intimacy are closely loinked in our brains, but men and women respond differently to intamacy. Many men can't feel intimate with their partner unless their sex life is satisfying, but many women can't enjoy sex without intaimacy. For men, sex feeds intimacy, and for women, intimacy feeds sex. These sexual differences can be disruptive to your relationship so it is important to rourish your sex lfie with intimacy.
First love to familiarrity
When you first met your lover, chances are you were overwhelmed with sensations of excitement, bliss, and somoldering desire. When you fall in love , your brain releases chemicals such as serotonin, adrenaline, and oxytocin. These chemicals create feelings of excitement and passion. As time goes by, and you become more comfortable together, your desire wanes and you stop having as much sex. This phase also tends to involve a loss of spark.
This happens because, over time, your brain becomes accustomed to these chmicals and requires more hormone to create hte initial high.
p.22 Making time for sex.
If, like many women, you place sex at the bottom of your to-do list, it might be time to review your priorities to make time for sex in your life.
1. Delegate: extend your time.
Prioritize your task. Use technology to make your life easier.
Talk to your partner about sharing a few of the household chores--maybe he won't do than as you would, but the laundry gets done adn the bdes made. Delegate a few home respomsbilitie to your kids.
2. Decrease: simplify
Make your life easier wherever and whever possible.Learn t o say "no" more often. Sute up boundaries to protect your emotonal and physical well-being. Don't agree to host every family function or oliday part at your place.
3. Disengage: recconect with you
For many women, a lack of time isn't the nly problem--we find it hard to relax, too, even when we do have a few moments to ourselves. Ths is where exercise is helpful. Take 5 minutes every day to sit calmly, breathe deeply and calm your mind.
Quit waiting for the perfect life
What personal happiness or fulfillment are you delaying for perfection? Now is the absolute best time to seek your own happiness. It means stop living for the future and live for today. Don't delay your happiness until some non-existent utopia finds you. Focus on the present..
Rediscover your single self
It means finding time to reconeect with the woman you used to be--the one your partner fell in love with. Make time for old interests, forgotten girlfriends, and grooming rituals. Have a spa or beauty treatment. Look at photographs of yourself and your partner and reminisce about when you first met. Lie down and daydream about having sex just the way you want it. Activities such as these recharge your independence and reconnect you to your femininity.
p.26 Sec file: Making time for sex.
Make an inflexible, must-keep appointment in which she would spend 5 hours a week on "me" time. This could be having her nails done, watching television, going for a walk, reading a book, or taking a nap.
Couples should plan a romantic getaway. Although family trips build great memories, parents also need adult-only breaks in which they can get out of parenting mode and back into being partners and lovers.
Spend "alone" time together every day. This could simply be sharing a glass of wine or talking over a meal. Share time and connect emotionally again. Don't fall into the trap of talking about work or domestic issues.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Know Your Body
To get in tune with your sexuality,, you first need to connect with your body and appreciate the beauty of your womanhood, inside and out. Fears and anxieties about your body will only hold you back. A clear understanding of how your sexual responses work will help, and a positive genital self-image will enhance your love life. Self=knowledge and effective techniques for self-pleasure will also teach you what stimulation you need from your sex life, and how to get it.
The first step to a healthy sex life is a good anatomy lesson: get to know the dimensions of your genitals, and explore how different areas repond to stimulation. Knowledge is power, so let us apply that power to sex.
p.34 Female anatomy
As with most women, your two labia majora will probably be of different sizes, like your breasts. They are rich in blood vessells and nerve endings.
Many women enjoy hhaving their labia rubbed, sroked, touched, and licked. When aroused, the labia fill with blood and become swollen, causing your genitals to tighten on your partner's penis.
The labia minora, or inner labia, are very sensitive to touch and oral stimulation. When aroused, the labia minora secrete sebum, which luubricates the vagina.
The labia minora come in many different colors, sizes, and shapes, and this is completely natural, healthy, and sexy.
The clitoral head is filled with many rich nerve endings--more than any other part of the body, apart from the lips. Many women prefer their clitoris to be stimulated indirectly--through material or the labia--rather than via direct pressure, sice it is often a super-sensitive part of their anatomy.
Surrounding the urethra is the periurethral sponge, which is also rich in nerve endings. Many women find it arousing to stimulate the area around the urethra.
Stronger vaginal muscles lead to better orgasms, but only the first third of the vagina is sensitive--good news for men who worry their penis is not large enough to please.
G-spot is located about 2 inches inside the vagina. To find it, insert a finger and hook it toward your belly button, as if gesturing for omeone to come closer. You will find a spongy bump that some women compare to feeling the tip of their nose. When the G-spot is stimulated, you might feel an urge to urinate--one way of knowing you've found it. This feeling generally passes.
The perineum is located between the vaginal opening and the anus. It is filled with tiny nerve endings, which feel wonderful when pleasured. The perineal sponge, which is located unerneath the perineum, is also filled with numerous nerve endings, and many women find it very arousing when pressure is applied to this area.
p.40 Connecting with your body. And the sexist women are those who are comfortable in their skin, confident in their sexuality, and uninhibited in the bedroom. Remember that your sex appeal is all of you--the way you walk and talk, your expressions, and your body language.
Pass on your positive views about your body to your daughters and granddaughters, adn they will fgrow up in a much more positive environment, which embraces all types of beauty.
p,46 Masturbatin for women
Masturbation is a natural aprt of human sexuality, and an important facet of a healthy sex life. Regular orgasn help decrease stree, increase genital blood flow, and promote a better sexual response. You have sexual needs that require satisfying, and masturbation is a relable path to fulfilment, as well as educating yourself about your body. Masturbation will also help you learn about your sexual response--knowledge that you can use to enhance lovemaking sessions with your partner.
Contrary to many people's beliefs, masturbatino is a healthy sexual behavior. However, many women feel uncomfortable about it. But whoever you are, whether you admit it or not, everybody masturbates.
Zeron in on your erogenous zones--breasts, nipples, inner thighs, torso, and stomach. Discover what body part sends chills down your spine. Gently tickle and caress your inner thighs, massage your breasts, and stimulate your nipples. Listen to your body and discover what erotic zones raise your heart rate and get you excited.
Try rubbing different parts of your genitals. Experiment with different typles of movement--up and down, back and forth, round and round.
p.48 Masturbation for men.
Masturbaiting is a pleasurable solo purrsuit for a man, but it also has the benefit of improving the sex you have with him. This i sbecause regular self-love sessions build up his stamina and result in more powerful and prolonged orgasms. And being open with your partner about your self-love practices can bring you closer together.
If you and your partner have never spoken about your sexual needs or preferences, then talking about masturbation will open the door to other sexual discussions.
Those of us who have encountereed a lackluster sex life know that lack of passion can kill a relationship. Even when everything else is on track... poor secual pleasure can throw a wrench in your relationship dynamic.
That being said, great sex doesn't happen overnight, and if we were honest, most of us would hav to admit that life is not always perfect between the shhets. Whether you aren't getting enough foreplay or you feel your partner isn't adventurous enough, there is peobably something about your sex life that you like to improve.
... I know that you're unbelievably busy. I know that some days you barely have time to eat a decent meal, let alone don complicated lingerie and cook a candlelit dinner for your partner. .. I'm going to help you figure out your own suxal needs and become acquanted with your own suxal potential. ... You might have to contront some of your fears and face down some of your insecurities. ...
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Sex Matters
p.11 Sex is a fundamenatal part of humanity and your sexuality is an essential part of your womanhood. Learn how to harness your sexual energy and use it to become a creative and happy person. To dony our ties to sexuality and our need or sexual fulfillment is to deny our existence. ... Understanding and accepting your sexuality will lead you to pleasure, confidence, and a fulfilling, intimate relationship with your lover.
p.12 Woever you are,. whatever your circumstances or age, sex is vital to your emotional well-being, self-esteem, health, and relationships.
If you understand your sexuality, you accept your sexual feelings, are able to express your desires to your lover, and find that sex adds intimacy to your relationship.
p.14 The true "Afterglow" of sex might be that you feel more beauftiful and loved after a great session with your lover, and those positive feelings spur you on to greater achievements in your career and personal endeavors.
The problem is that some women don't put a high value on their sexuality. Male pleasure often takes precedence in the bedroom, and even the bravest of owomen may fear asking for something different or new from their partner. Women worry their partner might be offended or think they are being bossy and dominerring; wore,they think their sexual demands suggest the extent of heir experience in th bedroom. Consequently, some women never find out whtt arouses them.
If you want to reclaim your sexuality and enjoy a healthy sex life, you will need a few tools. Confidence in yourself is mandatory, so spend time caring for your body and finding out how it works.
Your sexual needs evolve depending on your circumstances, and should be kept under review. In other words, if you and your partner are still making the same moves in your 50s that worked in your 20s, don't be surprised if your sex life is not as satisfying as it could be.
p.16 Male sexuality. Keeping high levels of intimacy, talking to your man about his feelings, and making him feel good about himself will enhance your emotional and, consequently, exual connection. So you both need to express your sexual desires.
This is important, because most men also need to know they are satisfyng their partner. Sexual performance is a vital part of a man's self-esteem, and sexual longevity and prowess are key issues for most men. However, a man's need to satisfy his partner can sometimes create anxiety and tension in the bedroom--while he feels under pressure to be a great lover, his partner worries that she must have an orgasm to avoid huring his feelings. ... Tell him you want to relax and enjoy sensations. Let him know that it is not the orgasm but the intimacy and connection to the person she is having sex with that determines a woman's sexual satisfaction.
p.18 Male and female sexual differences
When a man sees a sexy image--such as their partner beding over to clean the bath or a glimpse of her naked flesh--he is aroused and may respond by pressing himself against her and wanting sex urgently. Women can also be aroused by visual stimuli, but tend to need more kinesthetic ones--such as stroking, kissing, and cuddling--to reach a point of wanting to have sex.
Men love the immediacy of a rousal and the seduction of their owman into the bedroom. Women, on the other hand, tend to enjoy the prolonged intimacy of cuddling, stroking , and kissing. Men tend to wake up with an erection, whereas women tend to prefer nighttime sex after they have relaxed, or had a bath.
Women take longer to become aroused and achieve orgasm because we are not as goal-oriented as men. Women's brains have evolved to be more adapted to multitasking, and this means we cannot zoon from zero to 50 in under 5 minutes. ... It also means that enjoying sex can be a bit of a strugglw for us. It is harder for us to detach from our worries and simply enjoy sex. .. Men find it easier to disengage from their worries and revel in the pleasure of sex, which is why it is important for our partners to understand that we need foreplay and extra time to enjoy sex.
p.20 Sex and intimacy
Sex and intimacy are closely loinked in our brains, but men and women respond differently to intamacy. Many men can't feel intimate with their partner unless their sex life is satisfying, but many women can't enjoy sex without intaimacy. For men, sex feeds intimacy, and for women, intimacy feeds sex. These sexual differences can be disruptive to your relationship so it is important to rourish your sex lfie with intimacy.
First love to familiarrity
When you first met your lover, chances are you were overwhelmed with sensations of excitement, bliss, and somoldering desire. When you fall in love , your brain releases chemicals such as serotonin, adrenaline, and oxytocin. These chemicals create feelings of excitement and passion. As time goes by, and you become more comfortable together, your desire wanes and you stop having as much sex. This phase also tends to involve a loss of spark.
This happens because, over time, your brain becomes accustomed to these chmicals and requires more hormone to create hte initial high.
p.22 Making time for sex.
If, like many women, you place sex at the bottom of your to-do list, it might be time to review your priorities to make time for sex in your life.
1. Delegate: extend your time.
Prioritize your task. Use technology to make your life easier.
Talk to your partner about sharing a few of the household chores--maybe he won't do than as you would, but the laundry gets done adn the bdes made. Delegate a few home respomsbilitie to your kids.
2. Decrease: simplify
Make your life easier wherever and whever possible.Learn t o say "no" more often. Sute up boundaries to protect your emotonal and physical well-being. Don't agree to host every family function or oliday part at your place.
3. Disengage: recconect with you
For many women, a lack of time isn't the nly problem--we find it hard to relax, too, even when we do have a few moments to ourselves. Ths is where exercise is helpful. Take 5 minutes every day to sit calmly, breathe deeply and calm your mind.
Quit waiting for the perfect life
What personal happiness or fulfillment are you delaying for perfection? Now is the absolute best time to seek your own happiness. It means stop living for the future and live for today. Don't delay your happiness until some non-existent utopia finds you. Focus on the present..
Rediscover your single self
It means finding time to reconeect with the woman you used to be--the one your partner fell in love with. Make time for old interests, forgotten girlfriends, and grooming rituals. Have a spa or beauty treatment. Look at photographs of yourself and your partner and reminisce about when you first met. Lie down and daydream about having sex just the way you want it. Activities such as these recharge your independence and reconnect you to your femininity.
p.26 Sec file: Making time for sex.
Make an inflexible, must-keep appointment in which she would spend 5 hours a week on "me" time. This could be having her nails done, watching television, going for a walk, reading a book, or taking a nap.
Couples should plan a romantic getaway. Although family trips build great memories, parents also need adult-only breaks in which they can get out of parenting mode and back into being partners and lovers.
Spend "alone" time together every day. This could simply be sharing a glass of wine or talking over a meal. Share time and connect emotionally again. Don't fall into the trap of talking about work or domestic issues.
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Know Your Body
To get in tune with your sexuality,, you first need to connect with your body and appreciate the beauty of your womanhood, inside and out. Fears and anxieties about your body will only hold you back. A clear understanding of how your sexual responses work will help, and a positive genital self-image will enhance your love life. Self=knowledge and effective techniques for self-pleasure will also teach you what stimulation you need from your sex life, and how to get it.
The first step to a healthy sex life is a good anatomy lesson: get to know the dimensions of your genitals, and explore how different areas repond to stimulation. Knowledge is power, so let us apply that power to sex.
p.34 Female anatomy
As with most women, your two labia majora will probably be of different sizes, like your breasts. They are rich in blood vessells and nerve endings.
Many women enjoy hhaving their labia rubbed, sroked, touched, and licked. When aroused, the labia fill with blood and become swollen, causing your genitals to tighten on your partner's penis.
The labia minora, or inner labia, are very sensitive to touch and oral stimulation. When aroused, the labia minora secrete sebum, which luubricates the vagina.
The labia minora come in many different colors, sizes, and shapes, and this is completely natural, healthy, and sexy.
The clitoral head is filled with many rich nerve endings--more than any other part of the body, apart from the lips. Many women prefer their clitoris to be stimulated indirectly--through material or the labia--rather than via direct pressure, sice it is often a super-sensitive part of their anatomy.
Surrounding the urethra is the periurethral sponge, which is also rich in nerve endings. Many women find it arousing to stimulate the area around the urethra.
Stronger vaginal muscles lead to better orgasms, but only the first third of the vagina is sensitive--good news for men who worry their penis is not large enough to please.
G-spot is located about 2 inches inside the vagina. To find it, insert a finger and hook it toward your belly button, as if gesturing for omeone to come closer. You will find a spongy bump that some women compare to feeling the tip of their nose. When the G-spot is stimulated, you might feel an urge to urinate--one way of knowing you've found it. This feeling generally passes.
The perineum is located between the vaginal opening and the anus. It is filled with tiny nerve endings, which feel wonderful when pleasured. The perineal sponge, which is located unerneath the perineum, is also filled with numerous nerve endings, and many women find it very arousing when pressure is applied to this area.
p.40 Connecting with your body. And the sexist women are those who are comfortable in their skin, confident in their sexuality, and uninhibited in the bedroom. Remember that your sex appeal is all of you--the way you walk and talk, your expressions, and your body language.
Pass on your positive views about your body to your daughters and granddaughters, adn they will fgrow up in a much more positive environment, which embraces all types of beauty.
p,46 Masturbatin for women
Masturbation is a natural aprt of human sexuality, and an important facet of a healthy sex life. Regular orgasn help decrease stree, increase genital blood flow, and promote a better sexual response. You have sexual needs that require satisfying, and masturbation is a relable path to fulfilment, as well as educating yourself about your body. Masturbation will also help you learn about your sexual response--knowledge that you can use to enhance lovemaking sessions with your partner.
Contrary to many people's beliefs, masturbatino is a healthy sexual behavior. However, many women feel uncomfortable about it. But whoever you are, whether you admit it or not, everybody masturbates.
Zeron in on your erogenous zones--breasts, nipples, inner thighs, torso, and stomach. Discover what body part sends chills down your spine. Gently tickle and caress your inner thighs, massage your breasts, and stimulate your nipples. Listen to your body and discover what erotic zones raise your heart rate and get you excited.
Try rubbing different parts of your genitals. Experiment with different typles of movement--up and down, back and forth, round and round.
p.48 Masturbation for men.
Masturbaiting is a pleasurable solo purrsuit for a man, but it also has the benefit of improving the sex you have with him. This i sbecause regular self-love sessions build up his stamina and result in more powerful and prolonged orgasms. And being open with your partner about your self-love practices can bring you closer together.
If you and your partner have never spoken about your sexual needs or preferences, then talking about masturbation will open the door to other sexual discussions.
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