BDC: Takes on theater dance
BDC: Jazz for the beginners
BDC: Latin jazz dance
BDC: Tapdance tap tap boom
I hate to exercise, I love to tapTap Dogs
NYC Ballet workout
Crunch: pick your spot pilates
Crunch: fat burning dance party
Crunch: fat burning AB attack
Daily stretch
Pilates for life: pilates on the ball
Pilates for life: Abs and waist
Pilates for life: Abs and butt
Cal Pozo's Learn to dance in minutes: Latin dances
Red hot salsa made simple -2
The quick & dirty guide to salsa - 2 & 3
Learn to swing dance
Chicago
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
The Friend Who Got Away
20 women's true-life tales of friendships that blew up, burned out, or faded away
losing a friend can be as painful and agonizing as a divorce or the end of a love affair, yet it is rarely written about or even discussed.
Foreword XIII You hear the name, and your heart starts to pound, your palms sweat. You catch a glimpse of a familiar face on the street and suddenly you find yourself sideswiped by memories better left forgotten. It may have been years since you last spoke, and yet it all comes back in a moment, the fist giddy rush of talk, the shared confidences and sudden adventures, the certainty that your friendship could survive anything, and the startling heartbreak when it didn't.
..Sometimes we mourn the loss of a friend; other times we celebrate the break, but no matter what, we don't forget it.
The lost of a friendship can be nearly as painful as a bitter divorce or a death.
XVII Among my acquaintances is a woman infamous for the stormy high drama of her female friendships. ... I've never quite dunderstood why she would act that way with her friends, since it's always seemed to met that theatrics of this sort are meant to be the exclusive province of love affairs. That's why we have boyfriends, husbands, families--so we can behave like that. Ou friendships are--or are supposed to be--our most uncomplicated, sustaining, and reassuringly reasonable relationships.
p.24 YOU ARE WITH ME FOR GOOD.
P.119 Her silence is so loud, it breaks my heart.
p.131 Mark Twain wrote in Pudd'nhead Wilson, "The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will alst through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money." I knews that money was the root of all evil. I'd seen families, including my own, split over inheritance. Lifelong relationships devoured.
p.233 Ava didn't believe in regret. My first glimpse of how little she worried over what others thought of her came when ....
p.234 For Ava, if you wanted to be a certain kind of person, all you had to do was act the part. Change came from the outside and burrowed its way in.
p.237 The Best Little Girl in the World (a young adult novel told from the perspective of an anorexic teen)
losing a friend can be as painful and agonizing as a divorce or the end of a love affair, yet it is rarely written about or even discussed.
Foreword XIII You hear the name, and your heart starts to pound, your palms sweat. You catch a glimpse of a familiar face on the street and suddenly you find yourself sideswiped by memories better left forgotten. It may have been years since you last spoke, and yet it all comes back in a moment, the fist giddy rush of talk, the shared confidences and sudden adventures, the certainty that your friendship could survive anything, and the startling heartbreak when it didn't.
..Sometimes we mourn the loss of a friend; other times we celebrate the break, but no matter what, we don't forget it.
The lost of a friendship can be nearly as painful as a bitter divorce or a death.
XVII Among my acquaintances is a woman infamous for the stormy high drama of her female friendships. ... I've never quite dunderstood why she would act that way with her friends, since it's always seemed to met that theatrics of this sort are meant to be the exclusive province of love affairs. That's why we have boyfriends, husbands, families--so we can behave like that. Ou friendships are--or are supposed to be--our most uncomplicated, sustaining, and reassuringly reasonable relationships.
p.24 YOU ARE WITH ME FOR GOOD.
P.119 Her silence is so loud, it breaks my heart.
p.131 Mark Twain wrote in Pudd'nhead Wilson, "The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will alst through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money." I knews that money was the root of all evil. I'd seen families, including my own, split over inheritance. Lifelong relationships devoured.
p.233 Ava didn't believe in regret. My first glimpse of how little she worried over what others thought of her came when ....
p.234 For Ava, if you wanted to be a certain kind of person, all you had to do was act the part. Change came from the outside and burrowed its way in.
p.237 The Best Little Girl in the World (a young adult novel told from the perspective of an anorexic teen)
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
The Bountiful Container
Plants for the bountiful container
Vegetables:
lettuce and other salad greens (arugula, endive/escarole, mache, purslane, radicchio)
*musclun- a collection of greens grown together to produce a variety of tastes and textures. (lettuce, arugula, chervil, dandelion, cress, radicchio, endive, chicories, purslane, mache, orach, komatsuna, mizuna.)
spinach - cold-season crop, quickly fizzles out and bolts when the weather turns hot.
Herbs:
basil, chives, cilantro, dill, fennel, lavender, mint, oregano, parsley, rosemary, sage, thyme, tarragon
Fruits:
blueberries, currants and gooseberries
Vegetables:
lettuce and other salad greens (arugula, endive/escarole, mache, purslane, radicchio)
*musclun- a collection of greens grown together to produce a variety of tastes and textures. (lettuce, arugula, chervil, dandelion, cress, radicchio, endive, chicories, purslane, mache, orach, komatsuna, mizuna.)
spinach - cold-season crop, quickly fizzles out and bolts when the weather turns hot.
Herbs:
basil, chives, cilantro, dill, fennel, lavender, mint, oregano, parsley, rosemary, sage, thyme, tarragon
Fruits:
blueberries, currants and gooseberries
Monday, June 22, 2009
Ten things I wish I'd known -- before I went into the real world
Pinpoint Your Passion
p.4 Be honest with yourself about it. Really thing about what you're interested in. What you enjoy, what captures your imagination and gets your brain going. What YOU want to do--not what you believe your parents or your teachers or society or your four brothers think you should do.
I wanted to make a difference in people's lives, but not through law or business or politics or public service.
p.8 Just because you think you must fulfill other's expectations doesn't mean you have to. Abd here's something shocking: You actually might be wrong. I was.
Trust your gut, no matter what you expecxt your parents or teachers or anyone else will think of your choice.
No Job Is Beneath You
p.11 I don't know anyone who hasn't benefited from a willingness to start at the bottom. Even Bill Gates began by doing odd jobs as a programmer.
p.14 He made me ask myself that very first day wether I could take the heat. Could I keep my eye on the prize way down the road? Did I have a fire in my belly? Because you need that conviction if you're going to be able to brush off criticism and negativity dished out by guys like that. And I kew he wouldn't be the last. So he bruised my ego, so what? I'll use him. I'll learn from him. I'll show him. And I did.
You know, maybe he was right. Maybe I was a brat. When what I want is out of reach, I keep climbing until I get it. I've jad tjat lomd pf deter,omatom somce O was a kid. And when you work that hard to pull yourself up, it really means something when you get there.
p.16 Note, Everything does not come easy. Despite what Mom and Dad told you, you cannot always do anything you set your mind to . I woork with people who can dothings I now know I just cannot do, and I accept it.
p.20 Television is like any other business. You grab whatever you can to move yourself forward.
p.21No job is beaneather you. But alo know that on your way up. you may run into critical and judgmental people. jealous people .... No matter. Shake it off. If they have a problem with you, it's their problem,, not yours. Just shelve your ego, put your head down, and bulldog forward, grinding it out. There is no better way to gain respect--and self-respect--than through hard work.
Who You Work for and with Is As Important As What You Do
p.33 God puts mentors in your path. They may not look like you, sound like you, or be what you expect. But they always know more than you, and that's the whole point. Use them. If you don't find one at the beginning of your career, that's okay. Keep your eyes open. Mentors will cross you path later on. Thjey transmit the lessons you need to learn.
You Behavior Has Consequences
p.37 No one but you is respobnsible for how you conduct yourself. You are not a civtim. The single most important determining factor in your life is you. And it's never too early to get your ethical act together.
p.38morning news business--a meat grinder that chews people up and spits them out.
p.43He said that talent and smarts always win out, that if you're good, you'll get the great job. He said never let a puffed-up ego make your decisions for you. That's a hard one if you're a driven person like me, because chances are you've got a sizable ego, too. He taught me to make sure to have people around me honest enough to tell me when my overreaching ego is about to get the better of me.
p.44When I screwed up, I should admit it, take resp[onsibility for it, not blame it on anyone else, and then move on.
This is a family tradiiton that enriches our spirits, and my husband and I are trying to pass the gift along to our children--so they'll grow up world-centered instead of self-centered, with generous hearts like their grandparents.
My mother also drilled this message into me: "Don't depend on your looks." The world was filled with attractive women, looks come and go, and if I want to achieve anything in life, I'd have to do it with my brains.
Be Willing to Fail
p.49 It's incredibly important to understand that FAILING IS PART OF LEARNING. Fear of failure can paralyze you. If you don't risk looking ridiculous or inept or even stupid sometimes, you may stay secure, but you'll also stay the same. By avoiding failure, you're also avoiding life's richness. And what happens if you fail? It can be liberating. In fact, I've found most people who've achieved great success also have experienced some great defeat.
p.53 "Hasta la vista, baby."
p.56 I went home to LA defeated, demoralized, and depressed--taking a bath in a well of self-piity. But as I've said, I've learned that when you fail, it's important to grow from the experience. Use it. Don't let it define you or destroy you. Most of all, don't let it stop you. Pick your head up, dust off your ego, and do what you're most terrified to do: Get back on that horse and ride.
Superwoman Is Dead ... and Superwoman May Be Taking Viagra
p.63 There are so many areas where I can't claim competence, let alone mastery. But I've learned to do a few things really well in the time I have and to ask for help with the rest. The most important job is not to beat up on myself. I's a no-win situation if, no matter what I accomplish, I tell myself it's not good enough. I have to stop setting myself up to feel inadequate.
The first way is to stop comparing myself--yourself--to anyone else. Comparing how you feel on the inside (bad) to the way someone else looks on the outside (GReat) is a losing proposition. It's an impossible standard. We will always come up short. Women in particular know what I'n talking about: We often compare ourselves to others in order to make ourselves feel bad.
p.64HUMILITY MEANS ACCEPTING YOURSELF--with every plus and minus, every defect and asset, exactly as you are today. It's stepping back and appreciating the whole picture: where you are today, what you've done, what you want to do. Humility mean neither beating the hell out of yourself nor glorifying mediocrity. Today's picture isn't set in stone. It will change. That's self-acceptance.
,,,My dad always drove that point home: "You are you, and you are unique." He says, "Anybody who gets to be with you, work with you, or share your life with you is goddamn lucky." I try to keep that thought with me as I travel down the road. You'll need to remind yourself frequently that you're aworthy human being, because there will be people in your path who'll make it their business to tear you down (and especially if you're a woman, you may want to do it yourself). I keep a little saying on my mirror that I read every morning and evening. It says, "I am creative, I am powerful, and I can handle it."
p.65 So don't set yourself up for failure by trying to win an award in every area of your life. But do set high standards for yousrself.
p.66 The key is to stop concentrating on the negative and turn positive. I try not to strain for a goal that I can't possibly achieve. I reach forward, beyond myself, stretching for the limits of what I can achieve today. I must admit I've learned some of this from my husband, who doesn't get paralyzed or beat himself up when he can't do something. He just keeps at it. And he's always learning something.
p.67 Your life is like a mosaic, a puzzle. You have to figure out where the pieces go and put them together for yourself.
Children Do Change Your Career (Not to Mention Your Entire Life)
p.75 I know that really hitting the bottom means being thrown out on the street with no job and no way to feed your kids. I know there are millions of women in truly dire situations who have only themselves to rely on.
p.78 There are all kinds of good mothers. FGigure out what kind of parent you want to be -- and odn't compare yourself to anyone else.
p.82 Never stop listening to good advice. Never be too smart to ask for help or so arrogant you thing you can do it alone.
Marriage Is a Hell of a Lot of Hard Work
p.87 I married a man who recognized I was an individual first and foremost and that my life aprt from him was as important to me as our life together.
p.88 Marriage isn't just a state of being. It requires time, thought, and attention. It's a million separate actions taken in order to stay with someone, share a life with someone, habve a partnership with someone, appreciate and support someone, cultivate love with someone--actions taken consistently over the long haul.
p.89 "Don't expect or rely on me to make you happy." Well I thought, isn't his grasp of the English language adorable. Who else is supposed to make me happy, if not him? But he was adamant. "You must be happy with yourself first. Be happy with your life separate from what the other person brings to the table." This was serious. He told me he'd be hte icing on the cake, but that I shouldn't excpect him to be the whole dessert. Now, that definitely wouldn't make a good lyric for a romantic love song, but I knew he was right.
And I say here to MEN as well, do not expect a woman to handle and arrange all the noncareer areas of your life for you, as if your job is your only responsibility in the marriage. You can't opt out of all the other areas of your own life.
p.90 There's mo faster way to kill love than to blame the other party for not doing what you ought to do for yourself. To be sure, you can be blissfully happy with a partner, but you can't hold him or her responsbible for making and keeping you happy.
Moving right along to Happily Ever After. Guess what? Not. It's another delusion that ctrreates crazy expectations. I have a really strong marriage, and I'm not a happy little wifey 24 hours a day. Things happen....Life goes up and down, and so does the natural ebb and flow in a relationship.
p.93 Also make sure that you have a great time on your own before you get married. You'll have a great time after you get married, but it's kjust a different kind of great time, if you catch my drift. Enjoy your freedom. Spend as much time as you can getting to know yourself and what you want and need. And then keep your eyes open for that great love to appear--that person who loves you for you.
p.94 Don't expect your prospective mate to be the be--all and end-all -- to have all the same interests, to want to talk about all the same things. No one person can do it all for you. Didn't you ever notice that's why you have a variety of friends? Friends are people who reflect different aspects and interests of your life. For me, there are the other mothers, the work partners, the diet buddies, the gossip hounds, the soul sisters. It's a hand-picked support network tailor-made by me for me --especially important since I have no biological sisters. They help me with the kids, tell me I don't have to be Superwoman, warn me if I'm not being true to myself, and scream that I don't have to lose another five pounds. Girlfriends are the ones who fill in the gaps and pick up the slack left by your primary relationship. That's what friends are for.
Don't Expect Anyone Else to Support You Financially
Laughter
p. 107 People always ask me what attracted me to my husband. It was his sense of humor. Take my advice. Pick your partner not only for the lust, but for the laughter. Trust me. You'll need humor much more than you'll need money, a great job, a fabulous wardrobe, oreven being thin.
p.109 He's just done abetter job managing his time and being able to say no to things he doesn't want to do. (This one is a big issue for most women.) The truth is I know many more men than women who are able to steal time away for themselves.
p.110 Life's awesome responsibilities have a way of creeping up on you, wearing you down, making you dead serious, robbing you of laughter and joy. I hear it from people my age all the time. They say, "I'm not having any fun anymore. I can't remember the last time I laughed till I cried. I can't remember the last time I felt free." They let the joy go.
p.111We felt so bad about ourselves, we washed it away in rivers of laughter. You have to laugh at yourself if you do something stupid or jerky--especially if that's the only way you're going to get a laugh that day at all.
p.113 I've asked myself where I learned to be both so ambitious and driven on the one hand, and so willing to laugh at myself on the other. I think I've figured it out. My mother.
p.114 And I gre up with that voice in my ear -- "Get in there, Maria. Just get in there and do it!" -- and also the sound of laughter, me laughing at my own nerve. The lesson I learned was to take what I do seriously, but not take myself so seriously.
Sometimes when you have a free moment, write down what has given you joy in yourlife. What have you been happiest doing? What's been fun? What has made you laugh till you cried? Keep that paper and look at it every souple of years. You'll be suprised how quickly you forget to do those things, so caught up are you in getting ahead and taking yourself too seriously. When you fella lack of laughs in your life, look at your list and do one of the thins on it. Put some of the joy back in.
p.115 Andf I've been reminding myself about having more humility. I find when I have an accurate picture of myself--and accept and appreciate where I am in my life and where I still want to go--that's when I have the perspective and attitude that allows me to enjoy myself and have a good laugh.
The love and the laughter are what you need most in your life. They'll fil outr all the potholes in the road.
------------------
p.118 Each and every one of you is an awesome, powerful, resilient huamn being capable of living the life you design for youself. It's within you to cave out your own future, create your own destiny. You're in a glorious moment, filled with possibility. Try to keep this feeling of endless possibility alive as long as possible. Whenever you feel it fading, call it back and renew it. That's a gift you can give yourself. You deserve to feel great about your life.
Someone wise once told me that courage is walking through your fear with faith. I wish all of you the faith and the courage to pinpoint your passion. Now go out there, be free, and achieve it.
p.119 "If I could spare you the pain you're experiencing, I wouldn't--because I wouldn't want to deprive you of the strength and wisedom you'll gain from having gone through it and come out the other side."
p.121 I wish I'd known ealier how to say NO. What I'm realizing is that really smart people don't burden themselves with guilt. They're comfortable saying, "No, I can't do one more ting." They just manage their time ery well. They do not do ti all, but whatever they do, they do well. Tis is my goal today.
p.124-5
I wish I'd known how often I'd reinvent myself. .. It reinvigorated me, got me excited again, passionate again. And here I am now, writing yet another book. I really wish I'd known there isn't just one answer to the question "What do you want to be when you grow up?" .. We can reinvent ourselves and find a whole new world out there--or a whole new world within ourselves. Over and over again.
I wish I'd known how to be at peace with myself sooner. .. I don't think I was ever truly proud of myself until one day in April 1999.... After 43 years on this planet, I felt I'd accomplished something. I was being recognized not for my faily or my husband or my looks, but for myself and my own hard owk. It told me I had a right to be proud of myself. Finally.
p.4 Be honest with yourself about it. Really thing about what you're interested in. What you enjoy, what captures your imagination and gets your brain going. What YOU want to do--not what you believe your parents or your teachers or society or your four brothers think you should do.
I wanted to make a difference in people's lives, but not through law or business or politics or public service.
p.8 Just because you think you must fulfill other's expectations doesn't mean you have to. Abd here's something shocking: You actually might be wrong. I was.
Trust your gut, no matter what you expecxt your parents or teachers or anyone else will think of your choice.
No Job Is Beneath You
p.11 I don't know anyone who hasn't benefited from a willingness to start at the bottom. Even Bill Gates began by doing odd jobs as a programmer.
p.14 He made me ask myself that very first day wether I could take the heat. Could I keep my eye on the prize way down the road? Did I have a fire in my belly? Because you need that conviction if you're going to be able to brush off criticism and negativity dished out by guys like that. And I kew he wouldn't be the last. So he bruised my ego, so what? I'll use him. I'll learn from him. I'll show him. And I did.
You know, maybe he was right. Maybe I was a brat. When what I want is out of reach, I keep climbing until I get it. I've jad tjat lomd pf deter,omatom somce O was a kid. And when you work that hard to pull yourself up, it really means something when you get there.
p.16 Note, Everything does not come easy. Despite what Mom and Dad told you, you cannot always do anything you set your mind to . I woork with people who can dothings I now know I just cannot do, and I accept it.
p.20 Television is like any other business. You grab whatever you can to move yourself forward.
p.21No job is beaneather you. But alo know that on your way up. you may run into critical and judgmental people. jealous people .... No matter. Shake it off. If they have a problem with you, it's their problem,, not yours. Just shelve your ego, put your head down, and bulldog forward, grinding it out. There is no better way to gain respect--and self-respect--than through hard work.
Who You Work for and with Is As Important As What You Do
p.33 God puts mentors in your path. They may not look like you, sound like you, or be what you expect. But they always know more than you, and that's the whole point. Use them. If you don't find one at the beginning of your career, that's okay. Keep your eyes open. Mentors will cross you path later on. Thjey transmit the lessons you need to learn.
You Behavior Has Consequences
p.37 No one but you is respobnsible for how you conduct yourself. You are not a civtim. The single most important determining factor in your life is you. And it's never too early to get your ethical act together.
p.38morning news business--a meat grinder that chews people up and spits them out.
p.43He said that talent and smarts always win out, that if you're good, you'll get the great job. He said never let a puffed-up ego make your decisions for you. That's a hard one if you're a driven person like me, because chances are you've got a sizable ego, too. He taught me to make sure to have people around me honest enough to tell me when my overreaching ego is about to get the better of me.
p.44When I screwed up, I should admit it, take resp[onsibility for it, not blame it on anyone else, and then move on.
This is a family tradiiton that enriches our spirits, and my husband and I are trying to pass the gift along to our children--so they'll grow up world-centered instead of self-centered, with generous hearts like their grandparents.
My mother also drilled this message into me: "Don't depend on your looks." The world was filled with attractive women, looks come and go, and if I want to achieve anything in life, I'd have to do it with my brains.
Be Willing to Fail
p.49 It's incredibly important to understand that FAILING IS PART OF LEARNING. Fear of failure can paralyze you. If you don't risk looking ridiculous or inept or even stupid sometimes, you may stay secure, but you'll also stay the same. By avoiding failure, you're also avoiding life's richness. And what happens if you fail? It can be liberating. In fact, I've found most people who've achieved great success also have experienced some great defeat.
p.53 "Hasta la vista, baby."
p.56 I went home to LA defeated, demoralized, and depressed--taking a bath in a well of self-piity. But as I've said, I've learned that when you fail, it's important to grow from the experience. Use it. Don't let it define you or destroy you. Most of all, don't let it stop you. Pick your head up, dust off your ego, and do what you're most terrified to do: Get back on that horse and ride.
Superwoman Is Dead ... and Superwoman May Be Taking Viagra
p.63 There are so many areas where I can't claim competence, let alone mastery. But I've learned to do a few things really well in the time I have and to ask for help with the rest. The most important job is not to beat up on myself. I's a no-win situation if, no matter what I accomplish, I tell myself it's not good enough. I have to stop setting myself up to feel inadequate.
The first way is to stop comparing myself--yourself--to anyone else. Comparing how you feel on the inside (bad) to the way someone else looks on the outside (GReat) is a losing proposition. It's an impossible standard. We will always come up short. Women in particular know what I'n talking about: We often compare ourselves to others in order to make ourselves feel bad.
p.64HUMILITY MEANS ACCEPTING YOURSELF--with every plus and minus, every defect and asset, exactly as you are today. It's stepping back and appreciating the whole picture: where you are today, what you've done, what you want to do. Humility mean neither beating the hell out of yourself nor glorifying mediocrity. Today's picture isn't set in stone. It will change. That's self-acceptance.
,,,My dad always drove that point home: "You are you, and you are unique." He says, "Anybody who gets to be with you, work with you, or share your life with you is goddamn lucky." I try to keep that thought with me as I travel down the road. You'll need to remind yourself frequently that you're aworthy human being, because there will be people in your path who'll make it their business to tear you down (and especially if you're a woman, you may want to do it yourself). I keep a little saying on my mirror that I read every morning and evening. It says, "I am creative, I am powerful, and I can handle it."
p.65 So don't set yourself up for failure by trying to win an award in every area of your life. But do set high standards for yousrself.
p.66 The key is to stop concentrating on the negative and turn positive. I try not to strain for a goal that I can't possibly achieve. I reach forward, beyond myself, stretching for the limits of what I can achieve today. I must admit I've learned some of this from my husband, who doesn't get paralyzed or beat himself up when he can't do something. He just keeps at it. And he's always learning something.
p.67 Your life is like a mosaic, a puzzle. You have to figure out where the pieces go and put them together for yourself.
Children Do Change Your Career (Not to Mention Your Entire Life)
p.75 I know that really hitting the bottom means being thrown out on the street with no job and no way to feed your kids. I know there are millions of women in truly dire situations who have only themselves to rely on.
p.78 There are all kinds of good mothers. FGigure out what kind of parent you want to be -- and odn't compare yourself to anyone else.
p.82 Never stop listening to good advice. Never be too smart to ask for help or so arrogant you thing you can do it alone.
Marriage Is a Hell of a Lot of Hard Work
p.87 I married a man who recognized I was an individual first and foremost and that my life aprt from him was as important to me as our life together.
p.88 Marriage isn't just a state of being. It requires time, thought, and attention. It's a million separate actions taken in order to stay with someone, share a life with someone, habve a partnership with someone, appreciate and support someone, cultivate love with someone--actions taken consistently over the long haul.
p.89 "Don't expect or rely on me to make you happy." Well I thought, isn't his grasp of the English language adorable. Who else is supposed to make me happy, if not him? But he was adamant. "You must be happy with yourself first. Be happy with your life separate from what the other person brings to the table." This was serious. He told me he'd be hte icing on the cake, but that I shouldn't excpect him to be the whole dessert. Now, that definitely wouldn't make a good lyric for a romantic love song, but I knew he was right.
And I say here to MEN as well, do not expect a woman to handle and arrange all the noncareer areas of your life for you, as if your job is your only responsibility in the marriage. You can't opt out of all the other areas of your own life.
p.90 There's mo faster way to kill love than to blame the other party for not doing what you ought to do for yourself. To be sure, you can be blissfully happy with a partner, but you can't hold him or her responsbible for making and keeping you happy.
Moving right along to Happily Ever After. Guess what? Not. It's another delusion that ctrreates crazy expectations. I have a really strong marriage, and I'm not a happy little wifey 24 hours a day. Things happen....Life goes up and down, and so does the natural ebb and flow in a relationship.
p.93 Also make sure that you have a great time on your own before you get married. You'll have a great time after you get married, but it's kjust a different kind of great time, if you catch my drift. Enjoy your freedom. Spend as much time as you can getting to know yourself and what you want and need. And then keep your eyes open for that great love to appear--that person who loves you for you.
p.94 Don't expect your prospective mate to be the be--all and end-all -- to have all the same interests, to want to talk about all the same things. No one person can do it all for you. Didn't you ever notice that's why you have a variety of friends? Friends are people who reflect different aspects and interests of your life. For me, there are the other mothers, the work partners, the diet buddies, the gossip hounds, the soul sisters. It's a hand-picked support network tailor-made by me for me --especially important since I have no biological sisters. They help me with the kids, tell me I don't have to be Superwoman, warn me if I'm not being true to myself, and scream that I don't have to lose another five pounds. Girlfriends are the ones who fill in the gaps and pick up the slack left by your primary relationship. That's what friends are for.
Don't Expect Anyone Else to Support You Financially
Laughter
p. 107 People always ask me what attracted me to my husband. It was his sense of humor. Take my advice. Pick your partner not only for the lust, but for the laughter. Trust me. You'll need humor much more than you'll need money, a great job, a fabulous wardrobe, oreven being thin.
p.109 He's just done abetter job managing his time and being able to say no to things he doesn't want to do. (This one is a big issue for most women.) The truth is I know many more men than women who are able to steal time away for themselves.
p.110 Life's awesome responsibilities have a way of creeping up on you, wearing you down, making you dead serious, robbing you of laughter and joy. I hear it from people my age all the time. They say, "I'm not having any fun anymore. I can't remember the last time I laughed till I cried. I can't remember the last time I felt free." They let the joy go.
p.111We felt so bad about ourselves, we washed it away in rivers of laughter. You have to laugh at yourself if you do something stupid or jerky--especially if that's the only way you're going to get a laugh that day at all.
p.113 I've asked myself where I learned to be both so ambitious and driven on the one hand, and so willing to laugh at myself on the other. I think I've figured it out. My mother.
p.114 And I gre up with that voice in my ear -- "Get in there, Maria. Just get in there and do it!" -- and also the sound of laughter, me laughing at my own nerve. The lesson I learned was to take what I do seriously, but not take myself so seriously.
Sometimes when you have a free moment, write down what has given you joy in yourlife. What have you been happiest doing? What's been fun? What has made you laugh till you cried? Keep that paper and look at it every souple of years. You'll be suprised how quickly you forget to do those things, so caught up are you in getting ahead and taking yourself too seriously. When you fella lack of laughs in your life, look at your list and do one of the thins on it. Put some of the joy back in.
p.115 Andf I've been reminding myself about having more humility. I find when I have an accurate picture of myself--and accept and appreciate where I am in my life and where I still want to go--that's when I have the perspective and attitude that allows me to enjoy myself and have a good laugh.
The love and the laughter are what you need most in your life. They'll fil outr all the potholes in the road.
------------------
p.118 Each and every one of you is an awesome, powerful, resilient huamn being capable of living the life you design for youself. It's within you to cave out your own future, create your own destiny. You're in a glorious moment, filled with possibility. Try to keep this feeling of endless possibility alive as long as possible. Whenever you feel it fading, call it back and renew it. That's a gift you can give yourself. You deserve to feel great about your life.
Someone wise once told me that courage is walking through your fear with faith. I wish all of you the faith and the courage to pinpoint your passion. Now go out there, be free, and achieve it.
p.119 "If I could spare you the pain you're experiencing, I wouldn't--because I wouldn't want to deprive you of the strength and wisedom you'll gain from having gone through it and come out the other side."
p.121 I wish I'd known ealier how to say NO. What I'm realizing is that really smart people don't burden themselves with guilt. They're comfortable saying, "No, I can't do one more ting." They just manage their time ery well. They do not do ti all, but whatever they do, they do well. Tis is my goal today.
p.124-5
I wish I'd known how often I'd reinvent myself. .. It reinvigorated me, got me excited again, passionate again. And here I am now, writing yet another book. I really wish I'd known there isn't just one answer to the question "What do you want to be when you grow up?" .. We can reinvent ourselves and find a whole new world out there--or a whole new world within ourselves. Over and over again.
I wish I'd known how to be at peace with myself sooner. .. I don't think I was ever truly proud of myself until one day in April 1999.... After 43 years on this planet, I felt I'd accomplished something. I was being recognized not for my faily or my husband or my looks, but for myself and my own hard owk. It told me I had a right to be proud of myself. Finally.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Kitchen Harvest
-- Susan Berry
p.28 common pests and diseases
Pests
aphids: spray with insecticidal soap or derris as a last resort.
beetles and weevils: spray with derris
caterpillars: attack the brassica family in particular. Undersplanting cabbages with French marigolds helps to deter cabbage butterflies.
red spider mite
scale insect: spray with insecticidal soap
slugs and snails
whitefly: loves brassicas. Plant Fremcj marigolds nearby pr net the plants.
mildews: spray with sulphur at first signs of disease.
mosaic virus
Organic controls
derris: aphids, beetles, caterpillars, red spider mite
pyrethrum: caterpillars, whitefly, leafhoppers, aphids
insecticial soap: aphids, red spider mite, whitefly
bordeaux mixture: blight
sulphur: powdery mildew
p.98 Bush fruit
There are several types of bush fruit, all of which will do well in containers. You can choose from brambles (Rosaceae family), such as raspberries and blackberries, or currants and gooseberries (Grossulariaceae family).
You will need to provide a suitable support framework for raspberries and blackberries , both of which are best grown against a sunny wall. Use a simple trellis system of posts and wires. The greatest yield of fruit will be obtained if you trian the new canes horizontally along the wires, tying them in with string or twist ties.
p.28 common pests and diseases
Pests
aphids: spray with insecticidal soap or derris as a last resort.
beetles and weevils: spray with derris
caterpillars: attack the brassica family in particular. Undersplanting cabbages with French marigolds helps to deter cabbage butterflies.
red spider mite
scale insect: spray with insecticidal soap
slugs and snails
whitefly: loves brassicas. Plant Fremcj marigolds nearby pr net the plants.
mildews: spray with sulphur at first signs of disease.
mosaic virus
Organic controls
derris: aphids, beetles, caterpillars, red spider mite
pyrethrum: caterpillars, whitefly, leafhoppers, aphids
insecticial soap: aphids, red spider mite, whitefly
bordeaux mixture: blight
sulphur: powdery mildew
p.98 Bush fruit
There are several types of bush fruit, all of which will do well in containers. You can choose from brambles (Rosaceae family), such as raspberries and blackberries, or currants and gooseberries (Grossulariaceae family).
You will need to provide a suitable support framework for raspberries and blackberries , both of which are best grown against a sunny wall. Use a simple trellis system of posts and wires. The greatest yield of fruit will be obtained if you trian the new canes horizontally along the wires, tying them in with string or twist ties.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Book list
10/2009
不可不知的養生智慧 --- 楊維傑
07/2009
Boundaires - when to sat yes, when to say no, to take control of your life
(Un) China: fragile supoerpower
Crops in pots
(Un) The end of the line
(Un) If you had controlling parents
(Un) Money changes everything
Organic kitchen gardening
Real sex for real women
(Un) Shrink yourself- break free from emotional eating forever
Toxic friends, true friends
The Wall Street Journal guide to power travel
中醫養生受益一生
從頭到腳說健康
06/2009
Bobbie Brown beauty
The countiful container
The friend who got away
Kitchen harvest - Susan Berry
Makeup makeovers (scanned)
Ten things I wish I'd known before I went into the real world
When food is love
人體經絡使用手冊 - 蕭言生 （簡）
05/2009
A lion called Christian
All new square foot gardening
Making faces (Kevyn Aucoin )
Face forward (Kevyn Aucoin )
人體復原工程
張步桃美人方
張步桃開藥方
張步桃解讀傷寒論--方劑篇
張步桃解讀傷寒論--雜病篇
04/2009
黃帝內經
黃帝內經養生智慧
針灸經緯
董氏奇穴針灸學
人體使用手冊
人體使用手冊2
不可不知的養生智慧 --- 楊維傑
07/2009
Boundaires - when to sat yes, when to say no, to take control of your life
(Un) China: fragile supoerpower
Crops in pots
(Un) The end of the line
(Un) If you had controlling parents
(Un) Money changes everything
Organic kitchen gardening
Real sex for real women
(Un) Shrink yourself- break free from emotional eating forever
Toxic friends, true friends
The Wall Street Journal guide to power travel
中醫養生受益一生
從頭到腳說健康
06/2009
Bobbie Brown beauty
The countiful container
The friend who got away
Kitchen harvest - Susan Berry
Makeup makeovers (scanned)
Ten things I wish I'd known before I went into the real world
When food is love
人體經絡使用手冊 - 蕭言生 （簡）
05/2009
A lion called Christian
All new square foot gardening
Making faces (Kevyn Aucoin )
Face forward (Kevyn Aucoin )
人體復原工程
張步桃美人方
張步桃開藥方
張步桃解讀傷寒論--方劑篇
張步桃解讀傷寒論--雜病篇
04/2009
黃帝內經
黃帝內經養生智慧
針灸經緯
董氏奇穴針灸學
人體使用手冊
人體使用手冊2
Friday, June 12, 2009
Bobbie Brown Beauty
p.13 Since I was five feet tall, with deep-set brown eyes, dark eyebrows, and brown hair, I didn't feel pretty. I often wonder how many thousands of other young women were (And probably still are) feeling inadequate because they do not conform to some narrow definition of pretty....
As I came into my own I realized the importance of being satisfied with the person that I am and the looks I was given. When I first started in the fashion business I sometimes felt inferior about my height. Now I've decided to make the most out of my small size--I rarely wear heels. Even more than appreciating who I am, I've learned to love myself for it.
p.30 Alpha Hydroxy Acids (AHAS)
lactic / glycol / malic acid.
AHAs eliminate the flaking or redness or sensitivity associated with manual exfoliating (grainy scrubs) and lead to visibly smoother skin.
p.42 Identifying your immutable beauty trait: imperfect perfection
1. Put yourself in an onjective state of mind and identify that which is special about you.
2. Accept the features that you have and learn to feel good about them.
3. Start to play them up.
p.43 Being perceievd as pretty is ultimately about exuding self-confidence. Self-confidence is the most elemental and yet most slusive quotient of beauty. I recognize instantly whether a woman possesses it--how at ease, how comfortable she is in her own skin. Ofetentimes, the women with the most self-confidence seem to have other priorities in lief and do not obsess endlessly about their looks.
If you don't feel good with yourself, nothing else matters.
p.75 Makeup organization
Toss anything that you've had for 2 years or longer.
Check to see if any liquids have separated. If so, dispose of them.
Throw out anything that you have not touched in the past 6 months.
p.76 Expiration dates
Cream cleanser - 1 year
Gel cleanser - 1 year
Cream moisturizer - 1 year
Foundation - 1.5 years
Lipstick - 1-2 years
Mascara - 3-4 months
Powder - 2 years
Shadows - 2 years
p.97 Lasting concealer
You are not using enough concelaer or enough powder. The technique that guarantees long wear is the layering of small amounts of concealer and powder. Do two to three layers for best results.
p.99 Foundation
To set the foundation, take a velour powder puff and use it to press powder over the foundationl this locks the foundation into place and helps prevent oil breakthrough.
Shake foundation bottle vigorously before applying. Even though foundations should not noticeably separate, the heavier parts do tend to drop to the bottom of the container.
p.109 Brows
To create a brow where hair is sparse or nonexistent, use a brow pencil to draw in the brow line. Then go over the line with shadwo, using a brush.
As I came into my own I realized the importance of being satisfied with the person that I am and the looks I was given. When I first started in the fashion business I sometimes felt inferior about my height. Now I've decided to make the most out of my small size--I rarely wear heels. Even more than appreciating who I am, I've learned to love myself for it.
p.30 Alpha Hydroxy Acids (AHAS)
lactic / glycol / malic acid.
AHAs eliminate the flaking or redness or sensitivity associated with manual exfoliating (grainy scrubs) and lead to visibly smoother skin.
p.42 Identifying your immutable beauty trait: imperfect perfection
1. Put yourself in an onjective state of mind and identify that which is special about you.
2. Accept the features that you have and learn to feel good about them.
3. Start to play them up.
p.43 Being perceievd as pretty is ultimately about exuding self-confidence. Self-confidence is the most elemental and yet most slusive quotient of beauty. I recognize instantly whether a woman possesses it--how at ease, how comfortable she is in her own skin. Ofetentimes, the women with the most self-confidence seem to have other priorities in lief and do not obsess endlessly about their looks.
If you don't feel good with yourself, nothing else matters.
p.75 Makeup organization
Toss anything that you've had for 2 years or longer.
Check to see if any liquids have separated. If so, dispose of them.
Throw out anything that you have not touched in the past 6 months.
p.76 Expiration dates
Cream cleanser - 1 year
Gel cleanser - 1 year
Cream moisturizer - 1 year
Foundation - 1.5 years
Lipstick - 1-2 years
Mascara - 3-4 months
Powder - 2 years
Shadows - 2 years
p.97 Lasting concealer
You are not using enough concelaer or enough powder. The technique that guarantees long wear is the layering of small amounts of concealer and powder. Do two to three layers for best results.
p.99 Foundation
To set the foundation, take a velour powder puff and use it to press powder over the foundationl this locks the foundation into place and helps prevent oil breakthrough.
Shake foundation bottle vigorously before applying. Even though foundations should not noticeably separate, the heavier parts do tend to drop to the bottom of the container.
p.109 Brows
To create a brow where hair is sparse or nonexistent, use a brow pencil to draw in the brow line. Then go over the line with shadwo, using a brush.
Monday, June 8, 2009
When food is love
When food is love
- Geneen Roth
p.1 When I was 11, I began dieting, and for the next 17 years I spent the largest prt of every day thinking about what I wanted to eat that I shouldn't and what I should eat that I didn't want. .... By the time I was 28, mpthing mattered to me except being thin.
p.4 Because our patterns of eating were formed by early patterns of loving, it is necessary to understand and work with both food and love to feel satisfied without relationship toeither.
p.10. Being thin meant being happy ...
But it was not politically correct to put one's life on hold and wait for the perfect partner, so I went about creating the kind of life I wanted without one.
p.19 Food was our love, eating was our way of being loved. Food was available when our parents weren't. Fodod didn't get up and walk away when out fathers did. Food didn't hurt us. Food didn't say no. Food didn't hit. Food didn't get drunk. Food was always there. Food tasted good. Food was warm when we were cold and cold when we were hot. Food became the closest thing we knew of love.
p.24 It is my belief that we become compulsive because of wounds from our past and the decisions we made at that time about our self-worth--decisions about our capacity to love and whether, in fact, we deserve to be loved. ...Our father is emotionally distant and we decide that we need too much. ... We make decisions based on our pain and the limited choices we had at that time. We make decisions based on how we made sense of the wounds and what we did to protect ouselves from being more wounded in that environment.
As children we have no resources, no power to make choices about our situations We nbeed our families for food, shelter, and love or else we will die. If we feel that the pain around us is too intense and we cannot leave or change it, we will shut it off. We will--and do--switch our pain to comething less threatening: a compulsion.
As adults, it becomes our task to examine the decisions we made long ago about our self-worth, our capacity to love, and our willingess to be loved, for it is from these ecisions that many of our beliefs about compulsion and love take root.
p.36-7 A 60-year-old woman.... "If I don't eat, I am going to perish." .. "I weigh 70 pounds." .. Her eyes are dark globes of misery, her cheekbones are flat planes of bones that extend so far from her face that they seem unrelted to her cheeks. "I stopped eating 20 yrs ago." "What happened 20 years ago?" I ask. "My daughter died of leukemia. I thought I would perish."
p.39 When the heart of a child is broken, something inexpressible--and up to that moment whole and unquestioned--snaps. And nothing is ever the same. We spend the rest of ourlives trying to minimise the hurt or pretend that it didn't happen, trying to protect ourselves from its happening again, trying to get someone to love us the way we , as that child, needed to be loved.
p.41. I was so alne. I thought my mother was going to die. I thought she was going to leave us, that she wanted to leave us and I couldn't stand how awful it was. I felt like my body was going to break in a million pieces. And I knew I had to go home and take care of the other kids, make supper.
p.61There is nothing boring about being a coimpulsive eater. .. Chaos, intensity, and drama are nbormal in the day-to-day life of a compulsive eater. Suffering is a way of bveing in the world.
It is not uncommon for someone who is not a compulsive eater to think it unfathomable to eat so much that she would be miserable. Why would anyone want to eat that much? What's the point? The point is not the taste or the texture or the smell of food; overwating is a means to give ourselves what we believe we deserve.
p.62 October 11, 1978, 3AM: I awaken with an image of myself slashing each organ in muy body to pieces. With each strike I say,"Good. Again. Harder." I want to destroy myself. I want to eat until I die. The pain seems so deserving/. It is the only way I cam comfortable. Nor sleeping, eating uncontrollably, driving myself to the edge, this feels right.
p.86 Children must deny and ignore what causes them pain. Children must cling lovingly to those who abuse them, because given the choice between an abusive person and no one at all, there is no choice. The difference between someone and no one is the difference between life and death. Children must be ever-faithful, patient, responsive, forgiving, and willing to take horrendous abuse without saying no. Children must build elaborate fantasies that turn the people who abuse and leave them to people who love and adore them. Because fo their ability to fantasize--and to actually believe that what they are fantasizing is or will someday be true--children can endure their suffering.
p.87 When we are children, our parents have cloudless eyes and creamy skin. They are big and strong, they know everything, they are perfect. Parents strengthen this perception by telling us that they are always right and that children should be seen and not heard. We learn to listen and obry. No one teaches us that parents are selfsish. No one teaches us that parents lie. No one teaches us that they need us to complete them as much as we need them to love us. W could not get angry at our parnts; we were not allowed. Instead, when they got drunk and blamed us for their behavior, told us it was because we didnot do the dieshes, we believed them. ...
Those of us who are compulsive eaters believe with a vengeance that if we were thin, our lives would be drastically different. Even those people who have lost weight and been thin six or seven times in their lives persist in believing that when they get thin again, one more thime--just give us one more chance, this time you'll see--they will once and for all be happy.
p.92 A pillocase of M&Ms. 8 days.
The fantasy of the taste of M&Ms is more enchanting thant the taste of M&Ms. The fantasy of being thin is more powerful than being thin. The fantasy of spending yourlife with a partner who is unavailable is more exciting than spending your life with someone who does not love you.
p.126 As adults, we still want what we didn't receive as children, and we want it in the form we didn't receive it it: another person who loves and chrishes us, someone who is completely responsible for our well-being.
Our parents were responsieble for us when we were children, but no one is responsible for u when we are adults. If they weren't there the first time around, no one can ever take their place. Not a lover, not a best friend, not a teacher, not a therapist, not a support group, not anyone. Only you. You are trhe only one who can provide yourself with unconditional love, safety, and constant attention. Only you.
\\p.131 GFriefing si a process that involves denial, blame, angher, loss, desolaton, exhaustion, and--ultimately--acceptance of the wounds, the betrayals, the fact that no one can kiss it and make it better. Griecing about the past is not something you do against your parents; it is something you do for youself, although confronting one's parents can be an essential part of healing for some people.
Nor is grieving to be confused with forgicing those who hurt you. Many people want to fly past grief into forgiverness because grief is so uncomfortable and forgieness is so sweet. ... bUT THERE IS NOTHING HOLY ABOUT FAKING YOUR FEELINGS, AND UNLESS YOU ARE WILLING TO GET ANGRY WITH THE PERSON OR PEOPLE WHO HURT YOU SO THAT YOU ABSOLUTELY KNOW YOU DID NOT DESERVE THEIR ABUSE, FORGIVENESS WILL BE A SHAM. You cannot forgiver anyone with whom you never got angry.
TYhe purpose of grieving is not just to heal. It is not just to understand the pain. It is not just to forgive or to accept it. Healing is the steo between grieving and growing.
p.134 "...that's my mother Im writing about. And I'm sorry if it's going to bring it all up again, but I'm writing about it because for me it never went away."
I don't want to hurt my parents. I want to be with them--and myself--in the fullness of the present. I want to let go of the suffering, not weat it as a banner ofr the rest of my life. But the omly way I know to do that is to acknowledge and grieve about the feelings I locked away the first time around. It seems to me that suffering becomes a banner when you spend you life reacting ot it instead of acknowledging it and letting it go.
p.139 ".... she is honoring her in the best way she knows how: by telling the truth. Her intention is not to hurt Ruth but to clear the way for thier relationship so that they can live in the present moment with each other instead of constantly reacting to the past."
p.145 We are not to blame for what happened to us as children, but we are responsible for what we do with our pain as adults. At sopme point in our lives, we've got to stop being sombody's neglected baby.
p.147 Breaking free from compulsive eating means going against a culture that enccourages us to define our self-worth according to eternals--what we look like, how much wqe weight, how uch money we make. A dres manufacturer said, "We're selling love, not dresses. If we can convincce the buyer that our merchandise will bring them love, we've done our job well." Fat is a multi-billion-dollar industry,. Diet centers and weight-loss programs are getting richer and fatter as they convince us that we should be thinner and thinnner. No one in the weight-loss industry wants to see us braking free.
p. 154 And the lesson fo Moodeul Muggin (self defense) is that we cannoy be kind enough or thin enough or generous engouh, we cannot be sucessful enough or atytractive enough for those who abuse us to stop abusing us. W e cannot make anyone love us. We canno change anyone. It is not our job to hurt someone who has hurt us, to change someone who is self-destructibve, to convinve someone who doesn't lovbe us to love us. As long as our well-being and self-worth are dependent on those around us, we are children hanging on our father's affection, waiting for our mothers to call us 'darling,' our teacchers to tell us we are smart, our friends to include us in their clubs, we are waiting, waiting for engough kindness ot break open the tight bud of our hearts.
p.156 Some people don't heal. They get stuck in one of the stages. It is too frightening to acknowledge what really happened or to connect the fellings with the events.
p.158 A friend of Matt's says that couples enter a relationship madly in love, carrying a suitcase filled with clothes form past relationships, adolescence, childhood. By the time they have been togeher for aouple of years, they have removed all the clothes from their respective suitcases, thrown them on each other, and in utter disbelief exclaimed, "You aren't the person I fell in love with. I hardly recognize you."
We can't look forward without looking back.
We can't have healing relationships in the present wihtout being willing to heal the pain of the past.
p.169 It is not the wound that determines the quality of your life, it's what you do with the wound--how you hold it, carry it, dance with it, or bury yourself under it.
No one knows where dreams are born. And what gives people the grit to follow them.. Lucille Ball's father died when she was 4. Her nmother remarried bur sent Lucille to live with relatives. They put a dog collar around her neck and tied her to a tree in the back yard to keep her from wandering. While her body was tied dow, her mind wandered. She xcreated a friend called Sassafras, who comforted her and told her she would be a famous movie star.
Life is what happens as you live eith the wounds. Life is not a matter of getting the wounds out of the way so that you can finally live. Wounds are never permanently erased. W e are faragile beings, and some days we btreak lall over again. [
p.171 The purpose of heailing is to be awake. And to live while you are alive instead of dying while you are alive. Healing is about being broken and whole at the same time.
p.188 When I was n high school, I looked aty thin girls who had acne or frizzy hair and thought, If I had your body or if you had my skin and straight hair, at least one of us would be pretty. I thought that the onlyu thing wrong with me was that I was fat and if, by some miracle (for which I prayed every single day), I could wake up thin, I would be stunning and happy for the rest of my life.
The way I ate and the way I loved stemmed from the same source: the models of love Iabsorbed from my parents, and the self-image I constructed based on that love.
p.200 The question is not when or if you will meet someone you love; nothing will change when you meet the love of your ilfe except that you will have mnet the love of your life. The work begins when the infatuation ends. And the question is not how glorious it will be to wake up with a warm body beside ou and have someone to go to the movbies with and celebrate holidays with and go to your parents' house with and be youself with. The question si what will you do when it gets hard. How can you trust someone when you've never learned to trust yourself?
Trust yourself.
Laugh easily.
Cry easily.
Be willing to be vulnerable.
When you notice that you are clinging to anything and it's causing trounble, drop it.
Be willing to fail.
Don't let fear stop you from leaping into the unknown..
No act of love is ever wasted.
- Geneen Roth
p.1 When I was 11, I began dieting, and for the next 17 years I spent the largest prt of every day thinking about what I wanted to eat that I shouldn't and what I should eat that I didn't want. .... By the time I was 28, mpthing mattered to me except being thin.
p.4 Because our patterns of eating were formed by early patterns of loving, it is necessary to understand and work with both food and love to feel satisfied without relationship toeither.
p.10. Being thin meant being happy ...
But it was not politically correct to put one's life on hold and wait for the perfect partner, so I went about creating the kind of life I wanted without one.
p.19 Food was our love, eating was our way of being loved. Food was available when our parents weren't. Fodod didn't get up and walk away when out fathers did. Food didn't hurt us. Food didn't say no. Food didn't hit. Food didn't get drunk. Food was always there. Food tasted good. Food was warm when we were cold and cold when we were hot. Food became the closest thing we knew of love.
p.24 It is my belief that we become compulsive because of wounds from our past and the decisions we made at that time about our self-worth--decisions about our capacity to love and whether, in fact, we deserve to be loved. ...Our father is emotionally distant and we decide that we need too much. ... We make decisions based on our pain and the limited choices we had at that time. We make decisions based on how we made sense of the wounds and what we did to protect ouselves from being more wounded in that environment.
As children we have no resources, no power to make choices about our situations We nbeed our families for food, shelter, and love or else we will die. If we feel that the pain around us is too intense and we cannot leave or change it, we will shut it off. We will--and do--switch our pain to comething less threatening: a compulsion.
As adults, it becomes our task to examine the decisions we made long ago about our self-worth, our capacity to love, and our willingess to be loved, for it is from these ecisions that many of our beliefs about compulsion and love take root.
p.36-7 A 60-year-old woman.... "If I don't eat, I am going to perish." .. "I weigh 70 pounds." .. Her eyes are dark globes of misery, her cheekbones are flat planes of bones that extend so far from her face that they seem unrelted to her cheeks. "I stopped eating 20 yrs ago." "What happened 20 years ago?" I ask. "My daughter died of leukemia. I thought I would perish."
p.39 When the heart of a child is broken, something inexpressible--and up to that moment whole and unquestioned--snaps. And nothing is ever the same. We spend the rest of ourlives trying to minimise the hurt or pretend that it didn't happen, trying to protect ourselves from its happening again, trying to get someone to love us the way we , as that child, needed to be loved.
p.41. I was so alne. I thought my mother was going to die. I thought she was going to leave us, that she wanted to leave us and I couldn't stand how awful it was. I felt like my body was going to break in a million pieces. And I knew I had to go home and take care of the other kids, make supper.
p.61There is nothing boring about being a coimpulsive eater. .. Chaos, intensity, and drama are nbormal in the day-to-day life of a compulsive eater. Suffering is a way of bveing in the world.
It is not uncommon for someone who is not a compulsive eater to think it unfathomable to eat so much that she would be miserable. Why would anyone want to eat that much? What's the point? The point is not the taste or the texture or the smell of food; overwating is a means to give ourselves what we believe we deserve.
p.62 October 11, 1978, 3AM: I awaken with an image of myself slashing each organ in muy body to pieces. With each strike I say,"Good. Again. Harder." I want to destroy myself. I want to eat until I die. The pain seems so deserving/. It is the only way I cam comfortable. Nor sleeping, eating uncontrollably, driving myself to the edge, this feels right.
p.86 Children must deny and ignore what causes them pain. Children must cling lovingly to those who abuse them, because given the choice between an abusive person and no one at all, there is no choice. The difference between someone and no one is the difference between life and death. Children must be ever-faithful, patient, responsive, forgiving, and willing to take horrendous abuse without saying no. Children must build elaborate fantasies that turn the people who abuse and leave them to people who love and adore them. Because fo their ability to fantasize--and to actually believe that what they are fantasizing is or will someday be true--children can endure their suffering.
p.87 When we are children, our parents have cloudless eyes and creamy skin. They are big and strong, they know everything, they are perfect. Parents strengthen this perception by telling us that they are always right and that children should be seen and not heard. We learn to listen and obry. No one teaches us that parents are selfsish. No one teaches us that parents lie. No one teaches us that they need us to complete them as much as we need them to love us. W could not get angry at our parnts; we were not allowed. Instead, when they got drunk and blamed us for their behavior, told us it was because we didnot do the dieshes, we believed them. ...
Those of us who are compulsive eaters believe with a vengeance that if we were thin, our lives would be drastically different. Even those people who have lost weight and been thin six or seven times in their lives persist in believing that when they get thin again, one more thime--just give us one more chance, this time you'll see--they will once and for all be happy.
p.92 A pillocase of M&Ms. 8 days.
The fantasy of the taste of M&Ms is more enchanting thant the taste of M&Ms. The fantasy of being thin is more powerful than being thin. The fantasy of spending yourlife with a partner who is unavailable is more exciting than spending your life with someone who does not love you.
p.126 As adults, we still want what we didn't receive as children, and we want it in the form we didn't receive it it: another person who loves and chrishes us, someone who is completely responsible for our well-being.
Our parents were responsieble for us when we were children, but no one is responsible for u when we are adults. If they weren't there the first time around, no one can ever take their place. Not a lover, not a best friend, not a teacher, not a therapist, not a support group, not anyone. Only you. You are trhe only one who can provide yourself with unconditional love, safety, and constant attention. Only you.
\\p.131 GFriefing si a process that involves denial, blame, angher, loss, desolaton, exhaustion, and--ultimately--acceptance of the wounds, the betrayals, the fact that no one can kiss it and make it better. Griecing about the past is not something you do against your parents; it is something you do for youself, although confronting one's parents can be an essential part of healing for some people.
Nor is grieving to be confused with forgicing those who hurt you. Many people want to fly past grief into forgiverness because grief is so uncomfortable and forgieness is so sweet. ... bUT THERE IS NOTHING HOLY ABOUT FAKING YOUR FEELINGS, AND UNLESS YOU ARE WILLING TO GET ANGRY WITH THE PERSON OR PEOPLE WHO HURT YOU SO THAT YOU ABSOLUTELY KNOW YOU DID NOT DESERVE THEIR ABUSE, FORGIVENESS WILL BE A SHAM. You cannot forgiver anyone with whom you never got angry.
TYhe purpose of grieving is not just to heal. It is not just to understand the pain. It is not just to forgive or to accept it. Healing is the steo between grieving and growing.
p.134 "...that's my mother Im writing about. And I'm sorry if it's going to bring it all up again, but I'm writing about it because for me it never went away."
I don't want to hurt my parents. I want to be with them--and myself--in the fullness of the present. I want to let go of the suffering, not weat it as a banner ofr the rest of my life. But the omly way I know to do that is to acknowledge and grieve about the feelings I locked away the first time around. It seems to me that suffering becomes a banner when you spend you life reacting ot it instead of acknowledging it and letting it go.
p.139 ".... she is honoring her in the best way she knows how: by telling the truth. Her intention is not to hurt Ruth but to clear the way for thier relationship so that they can live in the present moment with each other instead of constantly reacting to the past."
p.145 We are not to blame for what happened to us as children, but we are responsible for what we do with our pain as adults. At sopme point in our lives, we've got to stop being sombody's neglected baby.
p.147 Breaking free from compulsive eating means going against a culture that enccourages us to define our self-worth according to eternals--what we look like, how much wqe weight, how uch money we make. A dres manufacturer said, "We're selling love, not dresses. If we can convincce the buyer that our merchandise will bring them love, we've done our job well." Fat is a multi-billion-dollar industry,. Diet centers and weight-loss programs are getting richer and fatter as they convince us that we should be thinner and thinnner. No one in the weight-loss industry wants to see us braking free.
p. 154 And the lesson fo Moodeul Muggin (self defense) is that we cannoy be kind enough or thin enough or generous engouh, we cannot be sucessful enough or atytractive enough for those who abuse us to stop abusing us. W e cannot make anyone love us. We canno change anyone. It is not our job to hurt someone who has hurt us, to change someone who is self-destructibve, to convinve someone who doesn't lovbe us to love us. As long as our well-being and self-worth are dependent on those around us, we are children hanging on our father's affection, waiting for our mothers to call us 'darling,' our teacchers to tell us we are smart, our friends to include us in their clubs, we are waiting, waiting for engough kindness ot break open the tight bud of our hearts.
p.156 Some people don't heal. They get stuck in one of the stages. It is too frightening to acknowledge what really happened or to connect the fellings with the events.
p.158 A friend of Matt's says that couples enter a relationship madly in love, carrying a suitcase filled with clothes form past relationships, adolescence, childhood. By the time they have been togeher for aouple of years, they have removed all the clothes from their respective suitcases, thrown them on each other, and in utter disbelief exclaimed, "You aren't the person I fell in love with. I hardly recognize you."
We can't look forward without looking back.
We can't have healing relationships in the present wihtout being willing to heal the pain of the past.
p.169 It is not the wound that determines the quality of your life, it's what you do with the wound--how you hold it, carry it, dance with it, or bury yourself under it.
No one knows where dreams are born. And what gives people the grit to follow them.. Lucille Ball's father died when she was 4. Her nmother remarried bur sent Lucille to live with relatives. They put a dog collar around her neck and tied her to a tree in the back yard to keep her from wandering. While her body was tied dow, her mind wandered. She xcreated a friend called Sassafras, who comforted her and told her she would be a famous movie star.
Life is what happens as you live eith the wounds. Life is not a matter of getting the wounds out of the way so that you can finally live. Wounds are never permanently erased. W e are faragile beings, and some days we btreak lall over again. [
p.171 The purpose of heailing is to be awake. And to live while you are alive instead of dying while you are alive. Healing is about being broken and whole at the same time.
p.188 When I was n high school, I looked aty thin girls who had acne or frizzy hair and thought, If I had your body or if you had my skin and straight hair, at least one of us would be pretty. I thought that the onlyu thing wrong with me was that I was fat and if, by some miracle (for which I prayed every single day), I could wake up thin, I would be stunning and happy for the rest of my life.
The way I ate and the way I loved stemmed from the same source: the models of love Iabsorbed from my parents, and the self-image I constructed based on that love.
p.200 The question is not when or if you will meet someone you love; nothing will change when you meet the love of your ilfe except that you will have mnet the love of your life. The work begins when the infatuation ends. And the question is not how glorious it will be to wake up with a warm body beside ou and have someone to go to the movbies with and celebrate holidays with and go to your parents' house with and be youself with. The question si what will you do when it gets hard. How can you trust someone when you've never learned to trust yourself?
Trust yourself.
Laugh easily.
Cry easily.
Be willing to be vulnerable.
When you notice that you are clinging to anything and it's causing trounble, drop it.
Be willing to fail.
Don't let fear stop you from leaping into the unknown..
No act of love is ever wasted.
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